Jenny Colgan - Looking for Andrew McCarthy

‘I’d ask him lots of important questions about life and how the culture of the 1980s changed us all. That’s why we’re all going. It’ll be an educational trip into our past, to help us understand ourselves.’

There was a long silence.

‘You’re absolutely sure,’ said Siobhan finally, ‘that you wouldn’t try and have sex with him.’

‘Yup,’ said Ellie.

‘Isn’t he gay, anyway?’ said Arthur.

‘He’s so not,’ said Siobhan, Julia and Ellie simultaneously.

‘Okay,’ said Julia. ‘Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t ask him to marry you.’

Ellie sighed and looked at the floor.

‘Look. Just because he is not an unattractive man does not mean this isn’t an important quest for all of us. Come on guys. It would be brilliant. Don’t you see? It would just properly close our twenties. Try and move on. And it will be something brilliant we could all do together. All of us, once and for all, before we all settle down and do a George and Annabel.’

‘Can I come?’ piped up Colin.

‘No.’

‘So,’ said Siobhan slowly. ‘Let me just make sure I’ve got this straight. You want us all to take one month off work and travel thousands of miles on some wild goose chase to try and find a boyfriend for you who was famous fifteen years ago and may well be dead for as much as anyone knows where he is.’

‘But he’s an eighties God!’ said Ellie.

‘I’m going to have to get a move on,’ said Siobhan heading for the door. ‘Got a busy day tomorrow.’

‘You’ve only been here five minutes!’

‘I know. Think what a month would be like. If you’re looking for a good way to end your twenties, why don’t you do the last year of Club 18–30?’

Ellie looked at her. ‘But it would be so good for you! Help you work out what to do about, you know, Patrick.’

A silence fell in the living room. They knew Siobhan well and, fussy about almost everything, she didn’t ever take kindly to people peering too deeply at her personal things. The Hedgehog had crossed over the line even by referring to the fact that Siobhan’s boyfriend had turned invisible.

Siobhan went very white.

‘What’s wrong with me and Patrick?’

Ellie gulped. ‘Well, you just never seem to see him.’

‘That’s because we’re both working hard. Everything’s fine .’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Ellie grudgingly.

‘I agree with Arthur. You’re just making up problems for yourself – and for everyone else.’ Siobhan opened the door.

‘Maybe next year we should all just go to a restaurant for the Hedgehog’s birthday. Goodnight everyone.’

Ellie waited until the door had slammed shut. ‘Well, you’re not invited.’

‘Don’t you think you’re getting a bit obsessed by this Brat Pack thing?’ Julia said to Ellie gently.

‘No! It’s not like I’m still wearing the button badges.’

‘Hi Fidelity High!’ started playing on the stereo. Julia winced slightly.

‘If we were in California anyway,’ said Arthur carefully, ‘we could probably go to San Francisco, couldn’t we?’

‘What’s in San Frass-isco?’ said Colin.

‘Um … lots of trams,’ said Arthur.

‘Oh, that sounds great .’

‘Well, you’re not coming. Oh God, and I can’t really anyway. I’m saving up for an Eames chair.’

‘You’d rather have an Eames chair than a big adventure?’

‘Mmm,’ said Arthur. ‘Not sure.’

Arthur was a fabric sourcer for an avant-garde designer who made dresses out of industrial waste. He absolutely loved his job but it paid practically nothing.

‘Fine,’ said Ellie standing up. ‘You’re right. Let’s keep the status quo completely. Nobody move. Nobody change. See you all at my ninetieth birthday party. I’ll still be in the bathroom, because I won’t be able to get out of the bath of my own accord.’

‘Don’t be like this,’ said Julia. ‘We’ll think about it.’

‘No, you’re right. I should just give up, conform. Maybe if I had a new pair of expensive high heeled shoes my life would be entirely fine again.’

‘Come on,’ cajoled Julia pouring another glass of wine. ‘We could watch a video. Even Mannequin , if you like.’

‘Ah, no, I say no way,’ said Arthur. ‘In fact, that would probably be the least persuasive thing you could possibly do.’

‘Looks like you had a brilliant night,’ slurred Big Bastard, wandering in later half-cut. Ellie was hunched on the sofa, watching Mannequin by herself, the others having made it up until the entrance of Holly Wood, and wondering how many Pringles you could eat before you burst your own colon.

‘Shut up Big Bastard.’

‘Where are my KitKats then?’

‘A big mouse took them and ran away.’

‘Uh.’ He looked at her squinty-eyed.

‘What?’ said Ellie. ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’

He must have sensed her unhappiness, she thought. God, talk about taking your comfort where you could find it. She prepared to unburden herself to him.

‘You know, I feel like I’ve had a really tough time recently, and I don’t quite know why …’

‘I can’t believe we’ve lived in this flat for a year and never shagged,’ said Big Bastard thoughtfully.

Ellie’s mouth dropped open.

‘That’s because I’ve seen what you let go down the shower plughole,’ she said, furious that she had been expecting even an ounce of sympathy from this lout.

‘D’ya want to?’ he said, sitting down next to her and draping an enormous meaty arm over her shoulders.

‘Of course not!’ She shook him off. ‘And anyway, what about Carmel?’

‘Yes, she’s a bit skinny, but. Not like you.’

‘Oh I see. Excuse me while I go and scrub the toilet bowl with your toothbrush, you big moron.’

‘You’ll be back,’ he sneered. ‘Won’t be able to resist a bit of big beef loving.’

‘Why don’t we see how many things I’d rather do than that?’ yelled Ellie, heading for the bathroom.

‘Number one: cutting off my own fingers.

‘Number two: pooing my pants on the tube.

‘Number three: watching my dad have sex. With your dad.’

She took his toothbrush and ran it round the toilet rim.

‘Number four: moving to Afghanistan.

‘Number five: going camping with Anne Widdecombe.’

She dropped the toothbrush in the lavatory, and fished it out distastefully.

‘Number six: smuggling heroin through Thailand …’

‘You’ll be back,’ yelled Big Bastard. ‘You’re desperate for it.’

‘… up my chuff. Number seven: eating an old man’s dandruff.’

‘You love me really.’

‘Number eight: retaking my maths A-level.

‘Number nine: being sick and eating it.’

‘Oh, I’ve done that. It’s not too bad.’

‘Number ten: being eaten by a SHARK.’

‘Goodnight Hedgehog.’

‘Goodnight Big Bastard.’ She set his toothbrush back in the stand. ‘And hello amoebic dysentery,’ she whispered to herself. ‘And don’t think I’m going to be here to look after you, because I am going to be far, far away.’

The computers were down again at Julia’s office. It was Friday, so she certainly deserved to be kicking back, she thought, kicking back.

‘Aren’t you even thinking about it?’ she said to Arthur, toying with her phone card.

‘ God yeah,’ said Arthur. ‘I’ve always wanted to go to San Francisco. I don’t feel my cowboy hat has had quite the adventures it deserves.’

‘Yeah, right. And also of course you’re the most boring monogamous man in the world.’

Arthur liked to think of himself as the dashing gay blade around town as opposed to someone who got endless crushes on people and treated them really, really nicely for ages. Especially Colin, who still lived with his parents.