Annie Proulx - Bad Dirt - Wyoming Stories 2

“What in God’s name do the boys do here? Must be bored to devilment,” he told himself. He walked unchallenged around the building, got back in his truck, and left.

Back in his office he telephoned the director of the home and had a long conversation. Two Saturdays later, Orion Horncrackle, in red-shirted uniform, sat in a folding chair in a cold room in company with eleven fidgety boys, ages fourteen to seventeen, one of them Creel Zmundzinski.

“I know, boys,” he said in the voice he used when talking to obstreperous horses, “that most a you think life give you a raw deal, cheated you out a parents and a home place. But you know what? That has happened to many thousands and thousands a kids and they raised theirselves up pretty good. They turned out decent. They made a mark in the world. I’m here because I want a tell you that you’re not as much orphans as you think. You was born in a wonderful, wild place and I think that if you let Wyomin, your home state, and its wildlife stand in for your human parents you will do pretty good. I’m goin a help introduce you to your new folks. We will be goin up in the mountains on little trips and everbody will have to pull his weight or he won’t come another trip.”

“You mean like a bunch a deer will be like our mother and father?” The kid had a face like a pumpkin with incipient peach fuzz.

“Well, in a kind a way. You can learn a lot from deer.”

“What about birds? I want a eagle for my dad,” said Crossman, catching the idea.

“More like a skunk for you, ” said Creel, but suddenly they all began naming animals they wanted for relatives.

A very thin kid who looked half-Indian said, “Do we get to ride horses?”

“Aha! What’s your name? Ramon? Right to the point. You know, it used a be you could rub a magic lamp and a genie would stick his head out a the spout and you’d say, ‘Bring me couple good horses,’ but them genie lamps are pretty much gone now. I’m goin a have to scratch for horses and they probably won’t be the best horses in the world but I agree with you, horses are necessary, even if they are mules. And I’ll get them.”

He gave each of them a map of the state and talked about the Big Horns, the Sunlight Basin, the Buffalo Plateau of his own youth, the Wind River range, Towogotee Pass, Sheep Mountain, Elk Mountain, the Medicine Bow. He talked about pronghorn, mountain lion, the great elk, badgers and prairie dogs, about eagles and hawks, meadowlarks. Yellowstone Park, he said, was mostly in Wyoming and they would surely go there. He gave each of them a field guide, Mammals of Wyoming.

Late in the afternoon the director came tapping at the door and blurted at the boys, “Now, say thank you and goodbye to Warden Horncrackle. Time for you boys to do your compulsory exercise. Mr. Swampster is waiting in the gym. Now get cracking!”

Creel jabbed his elbow into Crossman’s ribs and whispered, “He don’t know he’s talkin a the son a the Moose King.”

“Yeah, and the son a the Gold Eagle.”

“Shut up back there and get goin.” To Orion Horncrackle the director said, “I doubt you can do much with this bunch. They’re hardheaded.”

“Troublemakers, too, I bet,” said Horncrackle in his mild voice.

Creel Zmundzinski was not the only one who slept that night with his map and Mammals of Wyoming under his pillow, nor was he the only St. Francis kid who went on to a career in wildlife service.

“What! Hunting license! For your information, as a man of the cloth I’ve often received the kindly nod of local game wardens,” the Reverend Jefford J. Pecker roared in his clogged-nose voice.

“That must a been in California. Sir, you are in Wyomin now and it’s different. Just start down the trail in front of me. I am goin a write you a ticket for poachin.” Creel Zmundzinski found it difficult to be civil to the man.

Ten minutes of outraged protest followed by a sniveling plea to be allowed to ride his ATV to the bottom as he had a medical condition did not move Creel Zmundzinski.

“What medical condition is that? You look pretty healthy to me.”

“What! You’re not a doctor now, are you?” screamed the man. “I have a heart condition! And a bad leg! I have nephritis!”

Creel Zmundzinski waited, and at last Reverend Pecker began walking, turning around every five minutes or so to give Creel a pithy and short sermon illustrated with many vivid phrases. Creel noticed his bad leg kept changing from left to right. It was no doubt tiring to maintain a fake limp. Every now and then Creel urged Dull Knife, his dun gelding, forward a little so that he nudged the reverend.

As they left the meadow the calf’s bawling sounded loud and pathetic. Zmundzinski muttered, “Hope you make it, kid,” knowing the calf didn’t have a chance. When they were halfway down Creel called a sudden halt.

“Back up the trail,” he said.

“What!” But the fellow walked fairly briskly up the trail, no doubt thinking they were going back for his ATV. It came to him as depressing news that the warden now insisted he carry one of the moose quarters down the trail, but still leave the ATV behind.

“What? I can’t do that! That’s a hundred fifty pounds of fucking meat!”

“I’ll help you load up, Reverend Pottymouth,” said the warden kindly.

“Pecker!” shrieked the furious preacher. “My name is Pecker!” “You bet,” said Creel.

It took a long time to get to the bottom of the trail as the hunter kept sagging against trees and claiming he had to rest.

“All right, now back up for the other one.”

“What! You’re going to pay for this, you rotten red shirt asshole. I know some people. I’ll see your head on a platter. I’ll have you fired and I’ll have your boss fired and I’ll make sure he knows why he was canned. Because of you.”

In the gravel pullout Creel allowed the man to drop the second load of meat in the back of the state truck. Dirty and bloodstained, the preacher stood on a slightly depressed patch of gravel near the far end of the pullout. As soon as he caught his breath he began listing the reasons Creel should not write him a citation. Those reasons included the painful pangs of conscience that would certainly cause Creel grief later, the lawsuit the reverend intended to file against Wyoming Game & Fish, and the reverend’s powerful friends who would make life a constant misery for a certain redheaded warden whose ancestors were undoubtedly related to Torquemada, Bill Clinton, and the Pope. Creel continued to write.

“You fucking hear me? You shithead warden, you’re going to burn in Hell!” shouted the excited man, and he stamped his feet and jumped in frustration and rage. Tendrils of smoke rose in a circle around him.

“What?” he said as the gravel sagged beneath his feet. There was a sound like someone tearing a head of lettuce apart. The gravel heaved and abruptly gaped open. The hunter dropped down into a fiery red tube about three feet across that resembled an enormous blowtorch-heated pipe. With a shriek the preacher disappeared. The whole thing had happened in less than five seconds.

Immediately the entrance to the hot conduit closed up and the gravel of the turnaround looked undisturbed and solid except for a slightly soot-darkened circular depression marking the fatal entrance. There was a faint sulfurous odor, not unlike that of the tap water in Zmundzinski’s trailer kitchen back in Elk Tooth. The horse shivered but stood his ground.

“My God,” said Creel to Dull Knife. “Did that happen? Did we see that?” He walked gingerly toward the circular depression. He thought he could hear a distant and faint sizzling sound. He bent over and held his hand just above the gravel where the Reverend Pecker had stood only minutes before. It was definitely warm. He found a twenty-pound rock and dropped it on the spot. The gravel seemed to stir a little, but no fiery hole opened up. After half an hour of puzzled examination and deep thought he gave up and drove home in the dark. He didn’t know what had happened, but it had saved a lot of paperwork.