Jessica Adams - Girls’ Night In

‘What, like up the bum?’

‘I just don’t understand it. Every time I meet a nice girl she goes screaming in the opposite direction.’

‘Yeh, that happens to me too.’

‘ After she’s met Fluffy. But I’m just … I just need to meet a girl who shares my interests, you know what I mean.’

‘If I met a girl who shared my interests,’ reflected Spoons gloomily, ‘we’d just wank all the time. I’d never see her.’

Suddenly, outside the shop, loud yells were heard and there came the sound of a car crashing. The shop bell tinkled. Spoons and Doug looked at each other and raised their eyebrows.

Into the shop strode a dramatically beautiful woman, all shiny black hair and slashed red lipstick. She was wearing a long, expensive and unnecessarily fiddly coat which looked designer. However, none of these things screamed attention to themselves quite as much as the eight-foot boa constrictor draped round her neck like a – ahem – boa.

‘What a beauty!’ said Doug and Spoons both at once.

‘Thank you,’ said the woman, flushing.

‘We meant the boa,’ said Spoons.

‘I know,’ said the woman.

Spoons nudged Douglas unnecessarily hard.

‘Get off with her!’ he whispered loudly.

‘Can I help you, madam?’ said Doug, gulping.

‘It’s Jumbo,’ she said. ‘We’re new in town. I’ve come to buy him everything he needs – no expense spared. Also, do you know of anywhere I could get a fake sun-tan around here?’

Doug and Spoons’ eyes grew as round as a cross-section of the rare Australian ring snake.

Her name was Maia, and she had been brought up in Indonesia. She took to the Fluffster immediately, coiling him round her little fingers like a rope trick. The Fluffster, however, didn’t take to Jumbo AT ALL and scuttled back to the safety of Doug’s inner pocket after realizing he was – at this age at least – being pretty comprehensively out-snaked.

Maia was a primary school teacher, but had had to leave her last school after an incident she didn’t seem to want to talk about too much; although now, six to eight weeks on, there were still definite signs of distension in Jumbo’s belly.

Doug was in love.

‘Would you, ahem …’

Maia had wandered out of the solarium covered only in a very slinky towel and Jumbo, which reminded Doug all too pleasantly of Nastassja Kinski. Spoons was gulping and quietly trying to stop hyperventilating in the background.

‘Yes?’ she purred.

Doug sighed. Asking girls out wasn’t normally one of his problems. It was usually about the six-hour mark that his troubles started … but this one had him floored.

‘I mean, if you’re new in town …’

It occurred to him for a second that Doncaster probably didn’t have a great deal to offer somebody this exotic. Maia, however, smiled widely.

‘Oh, could you show me around? Do you know any good chip shops?’

Behind him, Spoons made a high-pitched whining sound.

Doug wandered up on time to Harry Ramsden’s. Jumbo appeared to have a long piece of leather string coming out of his mouth attached to another woman’s hand. She looked a bit shellshocked, and Maia appeared to be giving her two hundred pounds.

‘Just two,’ she said to the shocked waiter as they swept into the restaurant. ‘Jumbo’s already eaten.’

Maia launched ahead, just as Doug noticed Chloë getting up to leave with a clutch of squealing girlfriends. She raised her eyebrows at him.

‘Playing with the big boys now, I see.’

He stopped.

‘Look, Chloë, I’m sorry about the other night …’

‘Oh, don’t worry about it at all. I’m clearly just not slimy enough for you.’

‘Snakes aren’t slime – Oh, forget it. And I am sorry.’ He’d forgotten how pretty she was. She looked like a dancer, even just pulling her coat on.

‘Well, if I ever start up a tarantula collection, I’ll ring you.’

‘Douglas! Our table’s ready!’

Chloë smiled and walked out of the restaurant, giving him an extremely wide berth.

‘Spoons, please, just stop panting like a dog. You’re steaming up the cases.’

‘I just … Oh, please tell me. Please .’

‘There’s nothing to tell. We talked a lot about snakes and the shop. Entirely, in fact, about snakes and the shop. She’s thinking about opening up a branch in Melton Mowbray.’

‘That’s brilliant! Global entrepreneurs, definitely. Er … were you feeling her up whilst you were doing it?’

‘ No . To be honest, I wouldn’t have felt entirely secure vis-à-vis Jumbo and my right hand.’

‘What – you mean you didn’t score?’

‘Nope.’

Spoons slumped.

‘Fuck! Dougie, I could have taken her out and managed that.’

‘I’m just … I mean, she’s everything I’ve ever wanted – she’s bright, she’s beautiful, she loves members of the reptile family …’

‘She tans …’

‘She tans …’

‘And the problem is, exactly?’

The bell tinkled. Maia stalked in looking like a Bond girl in a tight red leather jacket, Jumbo practically caressing her left breast. She looked breathtaking.

‘Darling, which football team do you support?’

‘Ehm, Newcastle. Why?’

‘I thought so …’ Maia drew a team strip and two tickets out of her bag. ‘And here – I bought an extra sock and cut the foot off so that Fluffy can wear a strip too.’

Doug reached out his hand and held Spoons up before he fainted.

‘Where’s the office? I’ll go and put it there for you, and you can try it on when you’re not scooping out gecko poo.’

‘Ehm, uhm, it’s through the back …’

She sashayed off and vanished.

‘If I were you I’d take one of those little garter snakes over there and use it as a WEDDING RING,’ predicted Spoons.

‘I would too,’ said Mr Nebbington, who came in every day to stare at the animals in a vaguely disconcerting way for hours on end.

Fluffy popped out of Doug’s pocket. He was obviously just looking around – but it looked weirdly like he was shaking his head, that was all.

‘What’s she doing in the office?’ asked Spoons, fifteen minutes later. ‘Maybe she stripped naked and is rolling herself in butter and Smarties,’ he added thoughtfully.

‘Hmm,’ said Doug, and went through to have a look. Maia and Jumbo were hunched over what looked like a huge pile of files. He cleared his throat, and she straightened up guiltily.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Ehm … actually, I was looking for a catalogue. I, ehm, want to buy Jumbo a little cowboy hat.’

‘Are you sure that’s wise?’

She shrugged. ‘Well, he ate the beret.’

Doug looked back at the papers. ‘I’m not sure …’

‘No, definitely not – Ooh, look! My shoelace is untied!’

Before Doug had a moment to think, she stretched fully over from the waist, bending away from him. Her skirt hitched up and up …

Doug shook his head. His life didn’t usually feel much like a porn film. He had, in fact, not quite believed that woman actually ever behaved like this. But the fact was, unless she was wearing a very bizarrely patterned pair of knickers, Maia didn’t have any pants on. He wondered briefly if she’d possibly just forgotten, but his reliable trouser snake rather thought otherwise.

She turned her head up to him coquettishly from somewhere near the floor.

‘Will I get to see you tonight?’

‘Uh-huh-huh huh, ehm, r ather !’

He watched a part of her beginning with ‘b’ sashay out the door. And, sadly, it wasn’t her brain.

The problem, thought Doug to himself as he put on his tie, was … could this maybe be perhaps just a little too perfect? It was like ordering a pizza and getting a five-course banquet delivered to your door, made up of all your favourite foods – say, in Doug’s case, five different types of pizza. He wasn’t quite sure what he’d done to deserve it.