Thorsons
An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF www.harpercollins.co.ukThis edition published by Thorsons 2016 FIRST EDITION Text © FXCK FEELINGS LLC 2016 Cover design © HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2016 A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library FXCK FEELINGS LLC asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books. This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subjects addressed in the publication. It is sold with the understanding that the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical, health, or any other kind of personal professional services in the book. The reader should consult his or her medical, health, or other competent professional before adopting any of the suggestions in this book or drawing inferences from it. The author and publisher specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book. Find out about HarperCollins and the environment at www.harpercollins.co.uk/greenSource ISBN: 9780008140564 Ebook Edition © February 2016 ISBN: 9780008140588 Version: 2015-11-16
For the previous generation, Claire and Dr. Jacob Bleiberg, and Beatrice and Jacob Bennett. Tough lives couldn’t stop them from sticking to their values and working hard so that our lives could be so much easier.
And for friend, mentor, and legendary mensch Dr. Ted Nadelson, who taught us that the best way to help people accept what’s tough about life is to make them laugh.
There’s no “should” or “should not” when it comes to having feelings. They’re part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control. When we can believe that, we may find it easier to make constructive choices about what to do with those feelings.
—Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Epigraph
Introduction: What’s Your Goal?
Chapter One Fuck Self-Improvement
Taking Back the Reins of Your Life (After a Stampede)
Getting to the Root of Your Problem . . . and Tearing It Out
Becoming a More Positive Person
Stop Fucking Up
Curing Yourself of Addiction
Chapter Two Fuck Self-Esteem
Fighting the Loser’s Curse
Unleashing the Power of Persuasion
Standing Up to Bullies
Overcoming the Stigma of Disability
Saving Your Kid’s Self-Esteem
Chapter Three Fuck Fairness
Defending Your Right to Live in Safety
Getting Closure After Childhood Abuse
Getting a Square Deal
Clearing Your Name
Getting Justice and/or Closure
Chapter Four Fuck Helpfulness
Easing Others’ Sorrow
Rescuing the Addicted
Protecting Victims of Injustice
Brokering Peace at Home
Raising the Downtrodden
Chapter Five Fuck Serenity
Stop Hating the Ones You Love
Accepting the Inescapably Annoying
Facing Fear
Healing Heartache
Accepting Enmity
Chapter Six Fuck Love
Finding Someone
Getting to Commitment
Changing for Love
Enjoying Healthy Sex
Salvaging Lost Love
Chapter Seven Fuck Communication
Nurturing Closeness
Airing Trauma
Venting Anger
Life-Changing Conversation
Chapter Eight Fuck Parenthood
Not Ruining Your Baby
Stopping Constant Parent/Child Conflict
Raising a Jerk
Living with a Learning Disability
Rebuilding Divorce-Damaged Parenting
Chapter Nine Fuck Assholes
Fucked by Your Nearest and Dearest Asshole
My Parent, the Asshole
Rising Up from an Asshole Takedown
Saving Assholes from Their Shit
Living and Working with Inescapable Assholes
Bonus Chapter Ten Fuck Treatment
Getting Treatment
Getting Your Fill of Treatment
Getting Treatment for the Unwilling
Afterword: Well, Fuck Me
Suggested Bibliography
List of Searchable Terms
Acknowledgments
About the Authors
About the Publisher
Introduction
What’s Your Goal?
Most people read self-help books, or come to see shrinks, because they can’t solve their problems after trying very, very hard to do it themselves. This is true whether they feel depressed, anxious, ill-treated, burdened with self-destructive behaviors, hurt by an unhappy relationship, too fat, too thin; you name it. They come expecting advice or treatment that will reduce symptoms, ease painful feelings, strengthen self-control, or mend broken relationships. Basically, they want a cure. These expectations are stoked by the public faces of therapy, particularly those telegenic, first-name-basis self-help gurus like Drs. Phil, Drew, Laura, Nick, etc.
F*ck Feelings offers a more realistic approach from a medically trained, practicing psychiatrist who, over a forty-year clinical career, has treated hundreds of patients with intractable mental illness, bad habits, and troubled relationships—Dr. Lastname. That was the alias used by your authors—Dr. Michael Bennett, the aforementioned Harvard-educated psychiatrist, and his daughter Sarah Bennett, a writer who spent years writing sketch comedy at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York—as we developed our collaborative technique at our website, fxckfeelings.com.
Observing the difference between what people expect from therapy and what they are actually likely to achieve, I, Dr. Bennett, came to believe that people use the very act of coming for help—and their overbelief in a cure for their problems—to deny the fact that there is much about life, others, and their own personalities that is beyond anyone’s power to change. They would rather see themselves as failures or as partially developed seekers who cannot properly begin their lives until they have found an answer that has so far eluded them. Clinging to the belief that they can be cured, they want to know what they or any prior therapists did to block them from achieving their treatment goals. Unfortunately, many therapists, eager to help patients realize these wishes, support their false hopes. I am not one of them.
F*ck Feelings explains that, in most cases, you have not failed and do not need to try harder or wait longer for improvement to begin; instead, you need to accept that life is hard and your frustrated efforts are a valuable guide to identifying what you can’t change. After urging you to accept whatever it is you can’t change—about your personality, behavior, spouse, kid, feelings, boss, country, pet, etc.—the F*ck Feelings approach shows you how to become much more effective at managing life’s impossible problems, instead of vainly and persistently trying to change them. If you’re willing to accept what you can’t change, we have many positive suggestions for improving the way you manage the shit on your plate—beginning with not wasting time repeating what hasn’t been working.
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