Khurrum Rahman - Homegrown Hero - A funny and addictive thriller for fans of Informer

It was far from perfect‚ but for now it was all I needed. I could have easily moved in with Stephanie and Jack into their comfortable home in Osterley‚ and that remained the eventual plan. I know that she would like that‚ and Jack would be absolutely thrilled to have me always there playing Dad. However‚ for the time being I was enjoying living on my own after having lived with my Khala for the last twenty years. She was my mother’s elder sister. They were both originally from Pakistan‚ but while mother had moved to Afghanistan‚ my Khala had built a life in England. Both following their husbands in the name of marriage.

Khala brought me up with more love than I could ever have wished for. I owed her everything‚ but eventually I’d had to get out and do my own thing. Even though I’m thirty-six‚ she was horrified at the thought of me moving out.

‘People will talk‚’ she had proclaimed when I finally found the courage to tell her. ‘They will say that I kicked you out.’

I didn’t patronise her‚ she was right. In our community‚ people did talk. The textbook thought process was: Thirty-six. Not married. Not living at home with his parents. Something terrible must have happened!

I had to go though. I had to find a way of making things work with Stephanie and Jack – and I couldn’t do that living at home with my Khala. She wasn’t happy when I left home‚ so God only knew what her reaction would be when she found out that I have a white girlfriend who has a son from a previous relationship. For now‚ that had to be my secret.

*

I glanced at the time on my phone‚ considered pouring myself a small shot but decided to wait for Shaz who had just texted his arrival. He was downstairs ordering a bucket of hot wings. I shifted along the the two-seater as I heard his footsteps approach my door‚ which was left on latch so I wouldn’t have to get up.

‘You know what I don’t understand?’ Shaz opened with‚ as we touched fists. I could tell from his eyes that he was already high. ‘If you’re gonna hit a deer‚ would you get out of your car to check if it’s alright?’

‘You got skins?’ I asked‚ before he unloaded whatever was on his mind.

‘It’s a fucking deer‚’ he said‚ flinging a packet of king size silver Rizla and a small ziplock bag of skunk onto the coffee table. He placed the bucket of chicken on top of it and I knew that he would very soon be searching for the gear. ‘And then‚ and then ‚ he goes to the boot of his car and finds something to put the deer out of its misery‚ as his bird who‚ by the way‚ is wearing a posh frock‚ ’cos they’re on the way to a dinner party in the middle of a fucking forest‚ looks on from the passenger seat. I mean what the fuck does he know about whether the deer is suffering? For all he knows‚ it could just have a sore fucking head‚ it could be right as rain in a bit. That shit is just wrong‚ taking a metal cross spanner to the deer’s head and going to town on it‚ whilst he gets soaked in deer blood just to impress his girl!’

‘The match is about to start in a minute‚ Shaz. Is there a point to all this?’

‘Just this film I was watching. It won two Oscars! Shit‚ what was it called again? Whatever! The point is... what’s my point?’ He shuffled out of his puffa jacket and sat himself next to me.

‘Why didn’t he just run the deer over?’ I know Shaz‚ I know how he thinks.

‘Yes! Why didn’t he just run the deer over? If he really wanted to put it out of its misery‚ drive back and forth over the fucker until it’s finally dead. There was no need to bludgeon it to death! I swear they give out Oscars like penny sweets these days.’

I liked Shaz. He liked to talk and I liked to listen to him muse about the unimportant things in life. It was one of the reasons that I was desperate to find the remote control. Frequently I needed to pause live television so he could spill whatever random nonsense that popped into his head.

I first met Shaz – Shahzad Naqvi‚ when I started working at Kumar’s Property Services. The first few months I was kept in the office carrying out basic admin as Kumar inducted me. Shaz had been there for almost a year and had graduated to viewings. He would check back to the office twice a day‚ and I’d smell the alcohol on him. I’d see the red in his eyes. It’d make me furious that a Muslim would behave in such a manner.

After my induction‚ Kumar sent me out to shadow and learn from Shaz. Every lunch time‚ Shaz would take me to The Rising Sun pub.

A pint for him... a lemonade for me.

I couldn’t help myself‚ I couldn’t let it be. I had to ask. ‘Are you not a Muslim?’

‘Course I’m a Muslim. Fuck‚ man! Kind of question is that?’

He took a sip of beer‚ wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve‚ and before I could question the contradictory action‚ he beat me to it.

‘I take it you don’t drink‚ Imy. Sup to you‚ yeah. That’s your business. I ain’t hurting no-one. My parents bought me up right and correct‚ mate. I know the difference between good and bad. Everything else... Well‚ it’s just noise.’

Shaz took another sip‚ waved his empty glass and winked at the barman.

‘Why you lookin’ at me like that?’ He grinned. ‘I pray too‚ yeah‚ before you ask. Every night‚ in bed‚ a direct line to the man upstairs. I say whatever’s on my mind. A thanks‚ a wish‚ world fucking peace‚ whatever! That’s how I pray. I ain’t saying other Muslims are wrong‚ but personally I don’t think that I was put on this Earth to bow down five times a day‚ reciting Arabic prayers that I don’t quite understand and – with all due respect – most other Muslims don’t understand either. Going through the same motion day in day out. You know what they’re thinking as their heads are bowed? What ’ s on TV tonight? Where ’ d I leave my sunglasses? What time ’ s the gym closing? Tell me that ain’t true. Look... It’s like this‚ I know I ain’t Muslim of the year and when I do go and God judges me‚ I probably won’t get to sit at the top table with the Mashallah crew. I’ll most likely be in the nosebleed seats‚ with a pillar blocking my view! But trust me‚ yeah‚ I ain’t going to hell. Way I see it‚ we’ve been given the gift of life. Live it‚ man‚ you’ll be alright. You hear me?’

I heard him. It was all I could think about. I managed to convince myself that if I picked up a glass‚ smoked a little weed‚ there was no way I’d ever be suspected. It was the perfect cover. But really‚ I wasn’t convincing anybody.

I easily fell in love with the lifestyle. I easily fell in love with having a choice. I easily fell in love with a girl.

Soon after‚ when Shaz and I went to the pub it was;

A pint for him… and a pint for me.

Now Shaz was a regular feature‚ and he was also the funniest person that I knew – mostly unintentionally. He helped me find laughter that had been absent for years.

Like me‚ he was a Muslim‚ and like me he wasn’t much of one.

He rested one foot up on the edge of the coffee table. ‘Let’s take a moment or two to admire my new desert boots.’ He said. And in that instant… I was back there again.

*

Most of what I remembered from growing up in Afghanistan was my impatience to grow up. In fact‚ just before all it kicked off‚ my biggest concern was that I was done with being nine. I had been counting down the days until I hit the all-important double figures. In my village in Afghanistan‚ ten was a big deal; ten brought you a certain amount of respect‚ responsibility and power. Ten was being a man. Though‚ whichever way I chose to look at it‚ the truth was‚ at ten‚ I was still a child. And at that moment‚ when everything changed‚ I had never before felt more like a child.