Tracy Corbett - The Summer Theatre by the Sea - The feel-good holiday romance you need to read this 2018

‘I would be grateful if phones could be turned off,’ Jonathan said, looking around for the culprit. ‘Distractions are not welcome in the sanctuary of creative space.’ He gave a theatrical bow. ‘Much obliged.’

Barney switched his phone to silent, noticing another text from his mother. The frequency of ‘call me’ messages was increasing. The topic of conversation never varied. When was he coming home? When would he be resuming his medical training? If the questions never changed, neither would his answers.

Once all the mimes had been critiqued by the director, who’d frowned the whole way through Barney and Kayleigh’s very un-Shakespearean offering of a ‘pair of clowns camping’, he signalled for quiet. ‘Please join me now in a vocal warm-up.’ He puffed out his chest and walked around the room. ‘Breathe in for the count of four …’

There was something surreal about standing in a circle, breathing in unison. Tony looked relaxed, Nate looked focused, Paul’s efforts were half-hearted, and Daniel sounded like he was doing yoga, letting out a low hum with each breath – whilst Kayleigh sounded like she was having an orgasm, panting like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally .

Jonathan stopped behind Glenda and placed his arms around her middle. ‘Feel your diaphragm expand … two … three … and contract … two … three …’

Glenda started giggling. ‘Jonathan, I didn’t know you had it in you. Naughty man.’ She wiggled her bottom and winked at Tony, who was standing opposite her in the circle. Her dirty laughter resulted in a disgruntled look from Sylvia, who pursed her coral-pink lips – the colour as stark as her salmon trousers.

If Glenda favoured the natural look, her neutral linen clothes creased and loose-fitting, Sylvia’s style could only be described as an homage to Dolly Parton.

‘What’s her problem?’ Glenda said, pretending she didn’t know that Sylvia had the hots for Tony. Tormenting Sylvia seemed to be one of Glenda’s favourite pastimes. She was a nice enough woman, who helped out in the community and undertook lollipop-lady duties at the primary school, but there was something hard about her too. Barney couldn’t put his finger on what, but he wouldn’t want to cross her, put it that way.

‘Excellent.’ Jonathan clapped his hands, encouraging everyone to breathe normally. ‘Now, I’d like everyone to sing the note of C.’

Before he could twang his tuning fork, Kayleigh, Glenda and Sylvia had let rip, their collective sound on a par with a cat Barney had once helped escape from a drain.

Thankfully, Kayleigh ran out of breath and the sound improved. As the seconds ticked by, it became clear that an unspoken competition was taking place between the two rival women. Each getting louder, trying to outdo the other, as their note reached its crescendo.

Sylvia’s face grew redder.

Glenda began to physically shake.

Freddie and Florence started laughing, which set Barney off. It was childish, but he couldn’t help it. He felt a momentary pang of remorse when Lauren told her kids off for being rude. But he felt better when he heard Paul snort and Tony start chortling.

Finally, Sylvia broke off, almost collapsing from a lack of oxygen. Glenda whooped and punched the air, only curtailing her celebrations when Jonathan glared at her. ‘If you two ladies have finished?’ He struck his tuning fork against the table.

As with the breathing exercise, some people found it embarrassing, some hard to pitch, others like Freddie and Florence sang out as though they didn’t have a care in the world, just as eight-year-olds should do. Florence began twirling on the spot. Freddie followed suit. Barney thought ‘what the heck’ and joined in, followed by Tony, and then a smiling Lauren. It wasn’t long before everyone was twirling, singing horribly off-key and letting go of their inhibitions. Even Paul looked better by the time Florence had made herself so dizzy she’d fallen over and everyone had run over to check she was okay. That was the thing about community. Everyone cared.

Barney glanced at Glenda. Or if they didn’t, they at least pretended to.

Jonathan gave up on the warm-up. ‘My ears can stand no more.’ He minced over to the front of the stage. ‘Let us begin reading through the script. But first, I would like to share with you my vision for the show.’

Barney sat down next to Paul, who was busy checking his phone. ‘Everything okay, mate? You seem distracted?’

Paul switched his phone to silent. ‘My brother’s getting married.’

As Jonathan spouted on about ‘blue-filtered lighting for the forest scenes’, Barney lowered his voice. ‘That’s a good thing, isn’t it? I thought you got on well with Will?’

Paul shrugged. ‘I do, of sorts.’

‘Then what’s the problem?’ Barney ignored Jonathan’s complicated explanation of swivelling set changes.

Paul chewed on his lower lip. ‘Dusty’s not invited.’ He waited until the director had moved on to the topic of rehearsal schedules. ‘Apparently, his fiancée is unwilling to have a drag queen ruin her special day. If I don’t agree, then I’m not invited to the wedding either.’

Barney frowned. ‘That’s a bit harsh. When’s the wedding?’

‘September.’

‘Then you have four months to make them see sense. No way should you miss your brother’s wedding over something so narrow-minded.’

‘Have you finished, gentlemen?’ Barney realised that Jonathan was looking at them. ‘I hate to interrupt such an in-depth conversation, but I am trying to direct a masterpiece here.’

Barney squirmed. ‘Sorry.’

Jonathan nodded curtly, rubbing a smudge away from his glasses. ‘Now, let us start with our lovers plotting to run away together. It will give everyone an opportunity to see how Shakespeare should be done.’ He gestured to where Daniel was sitting. ‘If you would oblige?’

Never one to turn down a chance to show off, Daniel sprung from his seat, followed by a reluctant-looking Nate, who was also in the scene in his role as Demetrius.

Ignoring Daniel’s yoga hums, and attempting to ‘focus’, Nate addressed Lauren. ‘“Relent, sweet Hermia; and, Lysander, yield thy crazed title to my certain right.”’ Nate turned to look at the director. ‘I have no idea what any of this bollocks means.’

Daniel smirked. ‘That much is obvious.’

Jonathan removed his glasses, pinning Nate with a glare. ‘Then I suggest you make full use of the notes section at the back of your script.’ He smiled at Daniel. ‘As you were.’

Daniel obliged. ‘“You have her father’s love, Demetrius – let me have Hermia’s.”’

Jonathan lifted his hand. ‘Wonderful diction, Daniel.’

Daniel gave a theatrical bow. ‘Why thank you, kind sir.’ He glanced at Nate. ‘One tries.’

Nate mumbled, ‘Knob,’ under his breath.

Daniel approached Lauren. ‘“My love is more than his.”’ He pointed to Nate. ‘“My fortunes every way as fairly ranked. I am beloved of beauteous Hermia.”’ He sneered at Nate, who was now looking really pissed off. ‘“Why is your cheek so pale, my love? How chance the roses there do fade so fast?”’ Taking Lauren’s hand, he kissed her on the cheek. ‘“The course of true love never did run smooth.”’

His dramatic delivery was met with a round of applause, accompanied by the sound of a phone buzzing.

Nate turned to Barney and mouthed, ‘Smug git.’

Barney’s laughter faded when he realised that Paul was looking sheepish. ‘Sorry, I thought it was my phone vibrating, and I answered it.’ As if passing over an explosive device, he handed Barney his mobile. ‘It’s your mum.’

Bollocks.

As he took the phone and headed outside to face the music, Barney heard Lauren deliver her next line. ‘“By all the vows that ever men have broke …”’