Paullina Simons - Tully

Those years , thought Tully. It was as if I disappeared off the face of the earth. I did all the usual things; I went to school, I did my homework, I learned how to dance and made some new friends, and hung out and smoked, and danced in dance clubs and won some money to buy myself clothes. I occasionally slept and occasionally saw Jennifer and Julie. But I don’t myself know how I made it through those years. Certainly nothing worth repeating to this crazy person sitting next to me on the sofa.

Jennifer rolled her eyes. ‘Forget it. Tell me, do you think you love Robin? Honestly.’

Tully looked over at Jennifer’s shadow in the dark room.

‘I don’t particularly want to lose him,’ she said. ‘Is that love?’

‘Tully, have you ever loved any of the boys you’ve been with?’

Tully did not hesitate. ‘No,’ she replied. ‘I haven’t. Not one. Not even remotely.’

‘Is that why you don’t cry at the end of Love Story ?’ asked Jennifer. ‘Because you can’t imagine what it would be like to love someone?’

Tully patted Jennifer’s leg. ‘Who said I don’t cry at the end of Love Story ?’

‘Tull, I’ve never in twelve years seen you cry.’

‘I don’t,’ said Tully, a brittle rock inside her chest, ‘cry much.’

‘Not even in front of me?’

‘Obviously not,’ said Tully, then giving in a little. ‘I try sometimes to…imagine loving somebody like that.’

‘Like Oliver loves Jenny?’ she asked.

‘No,’ said Tully, squeezing Jennifer’s leg. ‘That I understand. Because I love Jenny, too. I know what it’s like to love Jenny.’ Tully smiled. ‘I want to know what it’s like to love Oliver. ’

Tully saw Jennifer press the tips of her fingers hard to her eyes and not let go, and Tully nearly wanted to press her own fingers to her eyes, to press out the image of Jennifer suppressing her demons.

They sat there silent and unmoving in the dark. Tick tock, tick tock. Tick. Tock. Tick.

‘I want to go home, Jen,’ said Tully.

‘Come upstairs with me,’ Jennifer said. ‘Please.’

Tully went upstairs. And gasped when she saw Jen’s room: usually immaculate, it was now an unbelievable mess.

‘My God, Jennifer! Who lives here now? Not you!’

‘Well, I’ve been too busy to clean up.’

‘Busy. Of course,’ said Tully.

They sat on the bed next to each other. Jennifer looked at her feet and then pressed her fingertips to her eyes again, hard.

Tully sat on the unmade bed, next to her.

‘It’ll be all right, Mandolini,’ Tully said, feeling desperately helpless, nearly angry, when it came to all of Jennifer’s unreachable, untamable animals, baring their teeth at Tully’s meaningless comforts. Her words sounded dull and void even to herself. ‘Forget it…forget him, Jennifer Lynn Mandolini,’ whispered Tully. ‘Please. Forget him.’

But inside, Tully thought, Who cares about him? There is a whole life to be destroyed by or excited by. A whole fucking life.

Far off, Tully heard Jennifer speak.

‘What was that poem you wrote, Tully? Remember?’

‘No,’ Tully said quickly. ‘I wrote a couple of poems. The summer poem?’

‘I don’t know the summer poem,’ Jennifer said. ‘The disconsolate poem.’

Tully cleared her throat.

‘ I used to sing

I used to be

Disconsolate, alone, yet free

Now that my soul has been encased

Whatever will become of me…?’

Jennifer closed her eyes. ‘That’s nice,’ she said. ‘Now tell me the summer poem.’

Tully moved slightly away on the bed. ‘Maybe some other time, okay, Jen?’

‘Okay, Tully,’ said Jennifer.

Tully’s heart gripped and ripped as she listened to Jennifer’s erratic breathing. A small scared thought ran darkly through her like a roach surprised by light. How’s Jen ever going to handle anything if she cannot handle something even this minor? Jen had always suspected there would come a time when she would be called upon to deal and wouldn’t be able to. No, I told her, don’t be absurd. Don’t be silly. Everything that happens only makes you stronger. Remember what Nietzsche said? ‘All that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. ’ But yet, here she is, weaker than ever, and I cannot find the right words.

‘I want to go home, Jenny,’ said Tully finally.

Jennifer let Tully drive the Camaro home. They opened all the windows to let the wind in. The March air was cool, but it smelled like spring. As if everything were about to bloom.

‘Car handles well,’ said Tully.

‘Tully, you’ve never driven anything in your life,’ said Jennifer. ‘What do you know about handling?’

‘That’s not true,’ said Tully. ‘Robin lets me drive his Corvette.’

‘Yeah, in the parking lot,’ said Jennifer. ‘I’m sure you’re a real speed demon in the parking lot.’

At the Grove, the girls stood on the porch facing each other. ‘Jennifer,’ Tully said. ‘I’m going to ask you something, and I want you by God to answer me. Jennifer, are you screaming for help?’

Tully could hear Jennifer’s belabored breathing.

‘What a brave question, Tully,’ she finally said.

‘Give me a brave answer, Jennifer, don’t buy time, tell me right now, are you?’

‘No, Tully,’ Jennifer replied. ‘I’m not.’

‘Promise?’

‘I swear on our friendship.’

Tully stood right in front of Jennifer, looking brokenly at Jennifer’s thin face. After a moment, Tully’s right hand went around Jennifer’s head. Tully brought Jen’s face close and kissed her hard on the lips, pulled away, and then kissed her again.

‘Mandolini, I love you,’ Tully said, drained and in pain.

‘And I you, Tully.’

Friday, March 23, in school, Tully, Jennifer, and Julie sat together at lunch – a rare event. Jennifer usually sat with her cheerleader pals even though cheerleading season was long over. Tully thought Jennifer seemed brighter. The heaviness that clung to Tully lifted a little. That Friday night, the girls went to see The Deer Hunter.

‘I think it will win Best Picture,’ predicted Jennifer on the way home.

‘I think Coming Home will win,’ said Julie.

‘Oh, you’re joking!’ Tully laughed. ‘They couldn’t have been more heavy-handed in that film if they had tied you to a post and beat you over the head repeatedly with a ‘War is b-b-b-a-a-a-a-d-d-d’ shovel.’

‘Oh, and here, killing Nick in the last five minutes of the movie, when we were all thinking he was gonna make it, what is that, huh? That’s not heavy-handed?’

‘I didn’t think he was gonna make it,’ said Jennifer, keeping her eyes on the road. ‘I thought from the beginning he would die. He wanted to be so strong,’ she said evenly. ‘He wanted to be as strong as Michael, but he just wasn’t, no matter how he tried, and he tried really hard. In the end, he just lost faith.’

‘Yeah, but Stephen made it,’ said Julie. ‘And he was the weakest of the bunch.’

‘Stephen never even tried to be strong,’ said Jennifer. ‘It wasn’t important to him like it was to Nick. To Stephen, Michael was so far out in the stratosphere, to be respected certainly, but never to be understood. But Nick wanted to be as strong as Michael and in the end was shattered by his own weakness.’

Julie waved her off from the backseat. ‘I don’t think Michael was so strong. I think he pretended to be strong.’

Jennifer shook her head. ‘No. He was strong through and through. He was invulnerable.’

‘Nobody is invulnerable, Jen,’ said Tully thickly. ‘It’s a myth.’

‘I think you’re reading too much into it, Jen,’ Julie said.