Paullina Simons - Tully

‘Of course. Why shouldn’t I be?’

Tully patted Jennifer’s shoulder. ‘Jennifer, you’re not playing ball. Want to talk?’

‘Tully, there’s really nothing to talk about.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Tully. ‘There never is. You forget who you’re talking to. Still, though,’ she said, using one of Robin’s phrases. ‘Something you want to tell me?’

‘Nothing to tell, Tully,’ said Jennifer sadly. ‘Wish there was.’

Taking a deep breath, Tully said, ‘Jennifer, have you slept with him?’

Jennifer didn’t answer, and then began to cry. Tully was speechless. Crying! She touched Jennifer’s hair and managed only, ‘Please, please.’ Crying, my Lord, over what? I cannot believe, just cannot, is she really crying over –

‘Oh, Tully,’ Jennifer sobbed, sitting up against the wall. Tully sat up, too. Oh, Tully? What the hell was Oh, Tully? Jennifer was smearing tears all over her face with her fist, like she used to when she was young, but God, it had been since about then that Jen last cried in front of Tully. ‘You just don’t understand.’

‘Then explain it to me,’ said Tully softly.

‘It’s nothing like you think.’

Tully thought Jen was wrong there. Tully was afraid it was exactly as she thought.

‘Jennifer, my God, but are you crying over him ?’ Tully, shaking her head, got up for a box of tissues, sat on the edge of the bed and gently wiped Jennifer’s face. It was minutes before Jennifer was collected enough to speak.

‘Jennifer,’ Tully said. ‘You’re fucking crazy. Have you slept with him?’

‘No, Tully, I haven’t,’ said Jennifer. ‘But do you know why I haven’t? Do you know why? Because he hasn’t asked me. He hasn’t asked me!’ she cried. ‘And if he had asked me, I would say, When? Now? And if he asked me to jump before I did it, I would say, How high, Jack Pendel, how high? Here I am, a virgin till I die, as you say, and I would give it to him faster than I could say Jack.’

Tully was at a complete loss for words as she wiped Jennifer’s face. At a loss, and helpless, too. Helpless in part because she did not understand her. Tully Makker just did not see what the problem was.

‘So go after him, Jen, go after him. You want him. Tell him you want him. Let him know you want him. They get it after a while, they do, believe me.’

‘Oh, Tully, you really don’t understand, do you? It’s not a matter of going after him, don’t you see?’ Jennifer began to cry again. ‘Don’t you see that if he wanted me, he would’ve seen by now what’s so plain to me and to everyone else? He would’ve seen it. But he doesn’t see it because he doesn’t feel the same way.’

Tully disagreed. ‘Jen, he doesn’t get it because he is a football jock.’

‘No, Tully, he doesn’t get it because he doesn’t love me. When you don’t love somebody you never get how they feel. You don’t even look for it.’

‘Hmm,’ said Tully. ‘I know plenty of people who love each other and still don’t get how they feel.’

Jennifer waved her off. ‘Who do you know, Makker?’

Tully wavered. ‘Well, your parents, for one. Julie’s too.’

Jennifer was still crying. Tully coughed and switched tactics. ‘Jenny, okay, so he doesn’t get it,’ she said. ‘For whatever reason. So you just say fuck you and move on. That’s it. Just move right on,’ said Tully, making a sweeping motion with her hand. ‘Move right on to Palo Alto,’ she added. ‘Where there are so many Jack Pendels, where there will be so many Jack Pendels dying to steal your heart and with it your bikini, you will have to buy twenty just to keep up. Bikinis, I mean.’

‘Tully, you just don’t get it, do you?’

‘Honestly, Jen?’ Tully said apologetically. ‘No, I don’t. See? I don’t get it, but we love each other.’ Tully was trying to make a little light of it, but Jennifer hit at Tully impatiently.

‘It’s not the same, now, is it?’ said Jennifer.

‘It’s not?’ said Tully.

‘Well, of course it’s not!’ exclaimed Jennifer. ‘Makker, that’s why I don’t want to talk to you sometimes. You’re just so obtuse.’

Tully saw in Jennifer’s face that thing, that crazy crazy thing. She is so far out there that where she is, not even I can reach her.

‘Don’t you understand, Tully?’ Jennifer said. ‘I love him, I love him.’

‘You do ?’ said Tully distastefully. ‘So, okay. So, un-love him.’

‘Tully, you don’t – you just can’t – just stop loving the people you love.’

‘You can’t? Why the hell not?’

‘I don’t know, I can’t,’ said Jennifer brokenly. ‘He is my first love. My very first. And I will never stop loving him.’

Tully sighed and tried to reason with her. ‘Jen, I know, but everyone says that. Everyone feels that way, that we will never stop loving someone, that we will never love anyone else, that we can never feel more than we do right now, but yet…we do, somehow, stop loving. We do get over it. Don’t we? We have to. We must. Otherwise, how could we go on?’

‘Tully, I know you, of all people, are skeptical. I don’t expect you to understand. I just know the way I feel about him and have felt about him for a long time. I will never love anyone else for the rest of my life.’

Tully patted Jennifer’s head. ‘And it may be a very short life indeed, Mandolini, because if you don’t stop crying, I’m going to have to kill you.’

Jennifer laughed a little and wiped her face with her arm.

‘I love when you do that,’ said Tully, handing her a tissue. ‘You look soooo attractive.’

The girls settled back into bed. Jennifer faced the wall and Tully lay down beside her.

‘I’m hot, Tully, I’m very hot. Can you blow on my forehead?’ Jen said, turning around. And Tully did, while Jennifer whispered with closed eyes that trickled tears. ‘Why do I love him, Tully, why? For what good and damned reason do I love him?’

‘Because he is beautiful and he moves well?’ said Tully.

‘You think he is beautiful?’ exclaimed Jennifer.

‘No,’ said Tully quickly. ‘You think he is beautiful.’

Jennifer closed her eyes again. ‘I shut my eyes and I see his face,’ she whispered. ‘I see his face as it talks and laughs, I see only his face and nothing else. Not even you, Makker, not even you. You know? I don’t even see Palo Alto anymore. Just him. My God, Tully, what’s happening?’

‘You’ve taken complete leave of your senses,’ Tully said gently.

Jennifer continued to cry, but softer and slower, and Tully continued to wipe her face and blow on her forehead, but softer and slower. Finally Jennifer fell asleep, but Tully did not.

She lay perched on her elbow, tenderly blowing on Jennifer’s face for a long time, remembering the first time she had met her. Julie had introduced them. And Julie had met Tully by finding her wandering on the street not far from Lowman’s Hill Elementary School, where Tully attended kindergarten. Tully had gotten lost again – accidentally on purpose – and Angela Martinez brought the five-year-old girl home. Tully played with Julie while Angela called the police. ‘Oh, it’s that Makker kid again,’ the cops said when they arrived. ‘She’s always getting lost, once a week, about. One day she’ll wander out onto the turnpike and that will be the last we’ll see of her. She’ll just keep going. She’s a spunky little kid. We’ll drive her home now.’

Oh, no, Julie and her mother had objected. Let her play. We’ll take her home. They fed Tully dinner: burritos and tacos. Tully had never eaten such delicious food.

Angela was worried that Tully’s parents might be going out of their minds looking for her. Tully wanted to tell the nice woman that was not a problem, but Angela found out soon enough when she brought Tully home and Hedda said, ‘Have you been out again? What did we tell you? Stay in the yard.’