Vanessa Jones - Twelve

I love Edward though, I’ll love him always, and how else would I have any of our walks, which are usually perfect? how else would I have him? I’m not really cross about any of these things – so what is it that I’m cross about? Somewhere I’m laughing at myself sulking but what makes me sulk more is that I just wish one part of me would win, would be it, would be me.

No one remembers who Louisa was, but her garden is a tropical paradise of waxy leaves and stupidly beautiful flowers, and you can’t hear the traffic from here. As we go in Edward says, ‘It’s all just going over. We should have come two weeks ago. Never mind.’

‘Never mind?’

‘I rather like it like this. Everything fermenting on its stalk.’

‘I’d have preferred it spectacular and two weeks ago.’

‘But there’s something so decadent – don’t you think? – about it, and I like the smell.’

‘Of rotting flowers?’

‘Perhaps I was a maggot in a former life,’ and then, ‘What’s that?’

‘I’m not playing.’

‘Only cos you don’t know.’

‘I do know.’

‘What is it then?’

‘An iris.’

‘No, it’s a gladioli. Come on, we’re going to our bench.’

I wonder with how many others of his friends Edward refers to this as ‘our bench’. I’m trying not to. Admittedly not that hard. It looks onto a pond from which you get a double dose of colour – first on the bank, then reflected in the water. He sits down. He never sits up straight. He says, ‘You’re right, it would have been spectacular two weeks ago.’

I say, ‘A garden takes such a lot of work and it’s all over so quickly. Bud bloom rot, it slightly freaks me out.’

‘Yes. But then it starts all over again.’

‘I know. It’s a wonder nature doesn’t get bored.’

‘Like you, you mean?’

I say, ‘I spent all last winter looking forward to summer, and now it’s August, and I’m going to spend all next winter doing the same.’

‘Well I’m sure you’re going to be doing other things as well. Let’s not get too dramatic.’

‘You know how when you’re a child, time seems to go really slowly? I’ve always wondered why that is. I mean, surely time should go more quickly then, when everything’s new and exciting, and slowly now when everything’s predictable and the same.’

‘I said that to you.’

‘No you didn’t.’

‘I said that to you the last time I was bored.’

‘Well, you should be flattered that I think it’s worth repeating.’

‘Yes – and here’s something else for you that’s worth repeating: Boredom is one thing that time doesn’t heal. You can get bored of being miserable or bored of longing for something that you can’t have, but you can’t get bored of being bored.’

‘So?’

‘So spur yourself into action. Make some effort, Lily. Do something.’

‘Like what? Anything I do will only be a temporary measure. Everything’s a temporary measure and that’s what’s depressing.’

‘Well, get used to it,’ he says, ‘You’re in for the duration.’

No doubt I’ve missed the point he’s making, but our conversation has made up my mind. I get home, I find the piece of paper and I do it immediately. When I tell him who I am Colin says, ‘I didn’t think you’d call.’

I say, ‘Neither did I.’

‘I don’t blame you,’ he says, ‘you must have thought I was a nutter.’

‘You still could be,’ I say.

He says, ‘The thing is, I was in the same carriage as you a few days before. I never thought I’d see you again – and when I did …’

‘How bizarre,’ I say.

‘Yes,’ he laughs, ‘how bizarre.’

It’s always a little unnerving when someone’s shared a moment with you of which you’re unaware. Once from the top deck of a bus stuck in traffic I saw Josh ambling along the pavement. He’d become one of a multitude of strangers making their way to various destinations, and, not aware that he was being watched, was showing himself to me so carelessly, so entirely, it felt rude to be observing – but I couldn’t look away. I’ve never told him. You always fancy yourself invisible, don’t you? going about your business, thinking your own thoughts, but Colin watched me in the carriage. And this is why it’s startling: here I’m the narrator, there I’m just the extra, entering and exiting stage right, stage left but suddenly we’re meeting: Centre Stage.

At this time of the year there’s a fairground set up in the middle of town. A merry-go-round made of horses (they’re boring), a big wheel, a roller coaster, waltzers, slot machines, ducks to shoot, toys to win and massive sticks of miraculous candyfloss. This is the place Colin has chosen for our first date. Ten out of ten for originality. The thing that’s worrying me is I can’t remember what he looks like, I’m not sure I ever knew. I’ve arranged to meet him by the 2p jackpots, but I’d quite like to know which one he is before he knows it’s me so I’ve got the choice to slip away … It’s quite exciting though. I’m taking my phone in case of emergency and Josh is to call it every two hours to check on me. He’s slightly excited too. We’ve laughed, he’s said, ‘You’re going under cover.’

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