Felix Baron - The Secret Sex Lives of Wanda Mitty

The three looked at each other sheepishly. One said, ‘George was drunk.’

‘And so are you,’ Henry observed. ‘And now George is on the floor.’

The three tossed bills onto the table. Two of them lifted George by his armpits and dragged him out, followed by the third.

Wanda wrapped her arms around her hero’s arm. ‘That was magnificent ,’ she told him.

Lucinda, Martha and Kitty all added their praise, but it was Wanda who got to hold him close. Under his sleeve, his arm was massive and unyielding.

The maître d’ bustled up to their table. ‘I am so sorry, Mr Chandler. I had no idea they were already drunk before they came in. I’ll ban them from the premises, of course.’

‘Not your fault,’ Henry assured him. ‘Better clear their table and take care of the broken glass, right?’

‘Of course! Immediately!’ He hustled away.

Wanda said, ‘The least he could have done after that incident is comp you our meals, Henry.’

Martha laughed. ‘He couldn’t very well do that, you silly girl. Henry owns this restaurant. He won’t be given a bill.’

Henry fixed Wanda’s mother with a look that Wanda hoped would never be aimed at her. ‘Martha, unless someone had told her, how could Wanda be expected to know that? In other circumstances, she’d be absolutely right. It would have been totally appropriate.’

Martha looked down, blushing. She mumbled something that might have been an apology to Wanda.

What a man! He tackles hooligans without blinking and he defends her against her mother, a much more courageous feat. How could a girl not love a man like that? And, as for doubting his masculinity, how utterly ridiculous that was!

After brunch, Henry had a meeting. Martha and Lucinda decided to take in some art galleries, or so they said, between giggles. Wanda had her suspicions. Kitty was at a loose end and obviously hinting, so Wanda asked her if she’d like to help her shop for Western gear, for the upcoming long weekend. It turned out that Henry’s childhood friend knew exactly where to shop for stretch-fit jeans and denim short-shorts, plus a couple each of clinging micro- and hobbling-tight maxi-skirts that she promised would ‘drive him crazy with lust’ when combined with check shirts that tied to leave her midriff bare and high-heeled Western boots.

‘How does Henry look when he’s “driven crazy with lust”?’ Wanda asked Kitty, nervous about the answer.

‘You’ll see,’ was the calm reply. ‘He doesn’t go all red and slobbering, like some men, but you’ll see it in his eyes, if you haven’t already.’

‘So you’ve seen what he looks like “in heat”?’ Wanda asked.

Kitty slapped Wanda’s rear. ‘No need to be jealous, Wanda. He and I have double dated, not as a couple but as the other halves of other couples, if you get me.’

Wanda nodded, unsure.

‘You didn’t think he was a virgin, did you?’

‘Of course not.’

‘And nor are you, right? Sauce for the goose, as they say. Anyway, not to worry. I’ve seen him look at you in ways I’ve never seen him look at any other woman. I could almost envy you.’

‘Why don’t you?’

‘He’s my cousin, silly!’

‘You two wouldn’t be the first cousins …’

‘Nor the last. Let’s change the subject. Do you have your trousseau picked out, yet? I’m sure that there’s lots left on that credit card.’

So they shopped for undies that Wanda was going to have to hide from her mom, though, once she and Henry were married, it’d only be his approval she’d have to worry about. Wanda treated Kitty to a couple of things, mainly because the girl didn’t so much as hint that she expected it.

She found that she warmed to Kitty, even though …

She blurted, ‘My mom seems to think that Henry is very conservative in his ways. Is that true?’

Kitty pondered. ‘In some ways. You don’t know him that well, do you?’

‘No. It’s been kind of a whirlwind courtship. We haven’t had a lot of time alone together yet.’

‘All the more fun exploring each other’s little ways once you’re married, then.’

‘I hope so. I really hope so.’

‘Cheer up. Time for a cocktail before you have to go home?’

‘As I’m out without my mom for a change, I’ve time for two!’

Wanda felt sure that the slightest hint from her would have had them in bed together that very afternoon, but that, no matter how tempting, would make her life far too complicated. Still, if her worst fears about Henry proved correct, Kitty would make a lovely consolation prize. Henry had proved his masculinity but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t the stuffed shirt that her mom seemed convinced he was.

When she got back to the apartment she shared with her mother, her mom’d had at least a couple of cocktails herself, so Wanda was able to smuggle her secret purchases up to her bedroom. Let sleeping moms lie. There was a huge carton sitting on her bed. Wanda loved presents. She tore the box apart like a lion tears at an antelope, or, it occurred to her, like a very horny woman tears the pants off her lover.

She uncovered a giant teddy bear. It stood tall enough to come up to her nipples when its hind paws were on the floor. There was no doubt that it was a female bear. Its silky plush fur was pink. It had upswept eyelashes that were a good two inches long, a pink bow on top of its head and a tiny pink tongue that poked out between its ursine lips.

It couldn’t have a male name, so it wasn’t ‘Teddy’. Wanda decided that she’d call it ‘Edwina’, which she’d then abbreviate to ‘Teddy’. Obviously, it was not only female, it was also a lesbian bear. That’d be much more fun.

Wanda went downstairs to check on her mom. She was still asleep on the couch with a silly grin on her face. Wanda covered her with a throw, had a quick goodnight gin and tonic, and went back up to shower.

With her mom fast asleep downstairs, it was OK for Wanda to leave the bathroom naked, still towelling herself dry. One day, she hoped, she’d do the same in front of Henry. And he’d approve heartily. Of course he would. For him, she’d dance with her towel serving as a fan-dancer’s fan, or she’d even prance like a pony, like this … She high-stepped, pointing her toes, twirling and skipping to amuse her husband, her lover, her friend.

Oops! She was fantasising again, but this time about Henry. That was new. Did it mean that she was making progress? She’d have to ask Dr Sullivan when she saw him.

Edwina, ‘Teddy’, was waiting in Wanda’s bedroom, sitting up in the old rocking chair. Wanda bowed with a flourish, flinging her towel aside.

‘Lovely body!’ the bear told her in a deep but certainly feminine contralto.

‘Thank you, Teddy. I only have one bed, I’m afraid. Do you mind if we share? No? Come on, then. Oh – and I don’t have any nightclothes that would fit you, Teddy, my dear. Still, it’s just us girls, so that’s all right.

Wanda’s was a double bed but Teddy was quite bulky so they had to snuggle close, face-to-face. Wanda said, ‘Goodnight, Teddy,’ and pecked her bear on the lips. That, of course, poked the animal’s tiny pink tongue between Wanda’s lips. She’d assumed it was made of some sort of fabric but it didn’t feel at all like cloth. It felt like some sort of rubbery material, complete with a texture that mimicked taste buds.

Hm.

Wanda kissed again, a little sucking kiss. Teddy groaned appreciatively. Unfortunately, the way her toy had been made, really deep kisses weren’t possible, but tongue-tip to tongue-tip was nice, in a teasing sort of way. Wanda snuggled in closer. Teddy’s left leg flopped up over Wanda’s right leg. A furry right leg insinuated itself between Wanda’s smooth thighs. Plush tickled Wanda’s tummy. She wriggled, drawing her bear in even closer. Furry pubes pressed against peach-fuzz ones. Wanda gave a little bump. Teddy, perhaps helped by Wanda’s hand on her rump, pushed back.