Timothy Lea - Timothy Lea's Complete Confessions

‘Shall I open the windows?’ I say hurriedly. ‘It’s a lovely day again.’

‘It’s all right. I’m not going to cry. I’m sorry.’ She puts down the bedclothes and smiles up at me. ‘Are you married?’

‘Blimey no. I mean, I’ve nothing against marriage of course. It’s just that I don’t think I’m ready for it.’

‘I should think you’re more married than I am.’ I don’t know what she means and my expression telegraphs it. ‘I’m sorry,’ she continues, ‘I wasn’t trying to be abstruse.’

Just as well, I think, because I don’t know what it means.

‘I mean,’ and then she pauses.

‘Yes?’ I say helpfully.

‘My marriage hasn’t worked out quite the way I thought it would.’

‘Oh well, it’s early days yet. I’ve heard it takes a little getting used to. They say the first ten years are the worst.’ Her lip starts to tremble again. ‘I was only joking, of course.’

‘Sex.’ The word comes out of her mouth like a bullet.

‘Would you like it on your lap?’ I swallow hard. ‘I mean, the tray, of course.’

‘I haven’t. We’ve not–’

‘I’ll pour you some coffee, shall I?’

‘He’s always taking photographs.’

‘I’ve noticed. Careful, you’re spilling your grapefruit.’

‘He said he respected me.’

‘That’s very nice.’

‘I’ve never–’

‘That’s not so unusual. I mean–’

‘Neither has he.’

‘Oh.’

The juice from her grapefruit segments has leaked on to the toast and she is looking out of the window as she talks as if speaking into a tape recorder.

‘I’d better take that before you spill everything.’

‘Oh, sorry. I don’t really feel hungry anyway.’

‘Where is he now?’

‘Roger?’

‘Yes.’

‘It sounds stupid but I think he’s gone home to mother.’

‘He’s left you?’

‘Not permanently. No, he was upset. We were both upset. I am upset. He’s coming back, I think. Oh, I don’t know.’ She looks as if she is about to burst into tears again.

‘Because you can’t–er–I mean, because you–er–haven’t got it together yet?’

‘ “Is there something wrong with us?” I’ve read books about it. Every magazine you pick up is full of articles about it.’ She suddenly looks me straight in the eyes. ‘I’m sorry. You must think I’m mad talking to you like this.’

‘No, no. That’s fine. It must be very trying for you.’

‘I feel that if I don’t tell somebody about it, I’ll go mad. I can’t talk to my mother. She wouldn’t understand and it would make her unhappy.’

‘You’ve talked to your husband about it?’

‘I’ve tried to, but you see, it’s difficult, because–he can’t, he hasn’t been able to.’ She blushes furiously.

‘It’s probably nerves,’ I say. ‘There have been times when I was all tensed up and I couldn’t–er–you know–’

‘Get it together?’ She manages a smile.

‘That’s right.’

‘But–forgive me asking this. You can tell me to mind my own business if you like–the first time you made love, was it so difficult? I’m assuming that you’re not a virgin.’

‘No, I’m not,’ I say looking at the ceiling. ‘Well, let me see. It was a bit different for me because the bird I was–I mean, the lady in question was what you might call experienced.’ You might also have called her a raving nympho but I don’t want to labour the point. I can still remember us writhing amongst the potato peelings, the rain bashing down outside the kitchen window, my squeegee propped against the broom cupboard–happy days! ‘I don’t imagine,’ I go on, ‘that you have ever? No, of course, you said you hadn’t. And probably not, how shall I put it, fiddled about much either?’

‘My hymen has never been ruptured.’

‘I’m very glad to hear it,’ I say. I mean, it does sound nasty, doesn’t it? My Uncle Harry had a lot of trouble when his–’

What I’m trying to say is that I am still a complete virgin,’ says the bird.

‘Oh. Yes. Well that can be a problem. I don’t think I’ve ever–er–had the pleasure with a virgin, if you know what I mean.’

‘Never?’

‘No, not never. Your husband is one, too, isn’t he?’

‘Yes.’

‘Very ticklish. Like you say. You get the idea there aren’t many around these days. I know that’s wrong, of course. I’ve read those surveys in the Sundays. Most girls are still virgins when they get married, aren’t they? It must be the circles I move in, I suppose.’

‘So you can’t help me?’ Her face goes even redder. ‘I mean, with advice.’

‘Not speaking from experience, no.’

Suddenly, I get an idea which would have occurred to any sane bloke about ten minutes before. I sit down on the bed and put my foot in her saucer of marmalade. That was not the idea, I hasten to add. Just a typical bit of Lea misfortune. I push the tray under the bed with my heel and rub the gunge off against the side of the bedside table.

‘I would like to help you, though,’ I say. ‘I don’t think it would be very difficult, really I don’t.’

I look into her soft, brown eyes and she turns her head away.

‘If you mean what I think you mean, I couldn’t. It would be adultery. I couldn’t commit adultery on my honeymoon.’

‘Don’t look at it like that,’ I say hurriedly. ‘What I’m suggesting is a step towards a complete marriage. That’s what you want, isn’t it?’

‘Yes, but it seems so underhand.’

‘There’s nothing underhand about it. You’d be doing it for him, really.’

The more I think about it, the more I am convincing myself that it is a marvellous idea. She is a very cute little chick and there is only one of her. Sidney is right. I am getting a bit brassed off with all this group activity. Also, I would be performing a public service–in a manner of speaking. That’s always a nice way to wrap up a bit of in and out.

‘But me being a virgin. That’s not all the trouble. He doesn’t seem to be able to–’

‘First things first,’ I say comfortingly. ‘Let’s get you sorted out then we can think about him. I’m certain that once you know what it’s all about, you’ll be able to help him.’

It sounds such good sense doesn’t it? I wonder if I could volunteer to give it away on the National Health?

‘But I don’t know you. I mean you’ve been very kind and nice but–’

‘What could be better? You don’t want to know me. Just look on me like some kind of doctor who’s about to give you an examination.’

I squeeze her hand tenderly and pull her towards me. ‘You make it sound so convincing,’ she says apologetically. ‘Oh, I did look forward to it so much before we got married.’

‘It’s not always easy at first,’ I say, kissing her gently on the cheek. ‘It’s like learning to ride a bike. You have to be prepared to fall off a few times.’ On reflection that does not seem the best way I could have put it but it is too late to rephrase it now.

‘Oh,’ she says. ‘You’ve got a hairy chest. Just like Roger.’

‘Just think of me as Roger,’ I purr, sliding my arm round her waist. ‘Close your eyes and imagine that he’s come back and is sliding into bed beside you.’

‘Do you mind drawing the curtains a bit?’

‘Nobody can see.’

‘I know but I feel happier when it’s a bit dark. I’m shy, you see.’

She is sitting there obediently with her eyes closed so I half draw the curtains, turn the key in the lock, and whip my clothes off so quickly that one of my fly buttons rolls under the wardrobe.

‘That’s a very pretty nightdress,’ I murmur as I slide in beside her. ‘Very pretty.’