Martha Sears - The Fussy Baby Book - Parenting your high-need child from birth to five

Edited by Caroline Deacon

Cover

Title Page the fussy baby book Parenting your high-need child from birth to age five Dr William Sears and Martha Sears, R.N. Edited by Caroline Deacon

A word from Dr Bill and Martha a word from dr bill and martha We want to both congratulate and encourage you on being blessed with a high-need child. Having a challenging child will bring out the best and worst in you; we wish to help this life-changing experience bring out the best. Parenting a high-need child is like attending a continuous life-enrichment seminar. From the moment these infants exit the womb, in one way or another, they announce, “Hi, Mum and Dad. You’ve been blessed with an above-average child, and I need above-average parenting. If you give it to me, we’re going to get along fine; but if you don’t, we’re going to have a bit of trouble down the road.” And these babies have the persistence required to hold up their end of this bargain. Right from the start these children make it clear they need more! The good news is they also give more to everyone who cares for them. This book is about children who are challenging and the parents who guide them. Besides insights that we have gained from parenting our own high-need children and from counselling hundreds of parents in our paediatric practice, sprinkled throughout this book you will find testimonies from parents who have survived and thrived with their high-need children – kids you would like. We let the experts speak for themselves. Parenting a high-need child will be one of the most difficult journeys of your life. It will also be one of the most rewarding. William and Martha Sears San Clemente, California May 1996

I: the journey begins I the journey begins Parenting is a journey. Parenting a high-need child is a journey where you unwittingly end up in uncharted territory. Before your baby’s birth you imagine what the journey will be like. You buy guidebooks. You listen to friends who have taken similar trips. It’s exciting. Your baby is born and the journey begins. Suddenly your trip isn’t going as planned. Your child is not following the guidebooks. He takes you on a different journey, one that you might not have chosen and certainly not the one you had anticipated. Initially, you resent this change in travel plans. The road is bumpy. It is lonely. And it’s costing you much more energy than you had budgeted. But you’ve purchased a non-refundable ticket, so you must go on. While your friends are seeing all the popular sights, your child pulls you off the usual paths, down side roads, and into places where you’re forced to carve some new trails on your own. The trip is tiring and challenging. You have difficulty sharing your discoveries with your friends; they haven’t been where you’ve been or seen the world through your child’s eyes. Before long, though, you will gradually begin to realize how much richer your life is and how much wiser you are for having experienced this special journey.

chapter 1: hayden – our high-need child

How She Acted

How We Felt

What to Call Her

Our High-Need Child Grew and Changed

Her Discipline Needs Were Higher

Our Needs Versus Her Needs

How We Grew – the Payoff

chapter 2: profile of a high-need baby

Intense

Hyperactive

Draining

Feeds Frequently

Demanding

Awakens Frequently

Unsatisfied

Unpredictable

Supersensitive

Unable to Be Put Down

Uncuddly

Not a Self-Soother

Separation-Sensitive

chapter 3: your baby’s cry – what it means, how to listen

An Infant’s Cry – The Perfect Signal

Should Baby Cry It Out?

Should You EverLet Baby Cry?

Mellowing Baby’s Cries

chapter 4: creative ways to soothe a fussy baby

Motions that Mellow

Sounds that Soothe

Sights that Delight

Touches that Relax

chapter 5: feelings shared by parents of high-need children

Doubtful

Alone

Defensive

Resentful

Thrilled and Scared

Controlled

Critical

Tied Down

Inadequate

Lost

Worried

Disillusioned

Manipulated

Confident and Comfortable

Proud

Vindicated

Connected

chapter 6: seventeen survival tips for parents of high-need children

Consider Yourself

Allow Baby Some Frustration

Make Sleep a Priority

Be Positive

Be Patient

Focus on the “Biggies”

Realize Your Child Is Unique

Don’t Compare

Get Out

If You Resent It, Change It

Get Help

Job-Share

Plan Ahead

Take the Long View

Get Behind the Eyes of Your Child

It’s No One’s Fault

Study Your Child

chapter 7: mother burnout

Martha’s Experience

What Fuels Mother Burnout?

What to Do About It

Avoiding Mother Burnout Altogether

chapter 8: helping the high-need child go to sleep and stay asleep

Why High-Need Children Sleep Differently

Parenting Baby to Sleep

Keeping Baby Asleep

Alternatives for the All-Night Nurser

chapter 9: feeding high-need children

The Benefits of Breast-Feeding

Problems Mothers Who Breast-feed May Encounter

Formula-Feeding Fussy Babies

High Needs – High Nutrition

Grazing

chapter 10: hidden causes of fussiness in infants

Food Sensitivities

Gastroesophageal Reflux

Ear Infections

Anaemia

Urinary Tract Infections

II: the high-need child grows up

chapter 11: the high-need thrill ride

The Ride Begins

1. Little Need for Sleep

2. High Need for Mum

3. High Sucking Need

4. Hyper-Responsive to Stimuli

5. Hyper When Hungry

6. Highly Creative

7. Resisting Authority

8. Stubborn

9. Negative

10. Opinionated

11. High Need for Affirmation

12. “It’s Not My Fault!”

Where Do I Go to Resign?

chapter 12: disciplining the high-need child

Get Connected to Your Child – Early

Study Your Child

Think Kid First

Provide Structure, Set Limits

Know When to Say Yes and When to Say No

Command Respect

Help Your Child Learn Empathy

Give Choices

Let Your Child Know What You Expect

Shaping Is More Important than Controlling

chapter 13: how to talk to and listen to the high-need child

Understand Your Child’s Viewpoint

Getting Your Child’s Attention