Kate O’Mara - Good Time Girl

‘Ugh!’ Nicky exclaimed in disgust. ‘Brambles has farted! What a pong!’

‘Nicky,’ protested Sukie feebly.

Geoff decided to be firm. ‘Kindly get on with your breakfast and if you can’t say anything pleasant, don’t say anything at all – and you don’t need that.’ He deftly removed the sugar packet that Sukie had obligingly found and put on the table. He crossed to the kettle, which had just boiled, and poured water onto instant coffee in a cracked mug.

‘Is it a studio day?’ asked Sukie. ‘I’ve lost track.’

‘No, it is not a studio day,’ Geoff said with elaborate politeness. ‘It is a read-through day. We are reading through the next two episodes.’

‘Well, let’s hope to God they’re better than last Sunday’s horror,’ said Sukie calmly.

‘Thank you for those few words of encouragement and support,’ replied Geoff satirically, after a brief pause. ‘I appreciate your keen interest in my work and I’m gratified to learn that you rate my talent as an actor so highly.’

‘It’s got nothing to do with your talent as an actor,’ she retorted. ‘I’m just saying that the episode was bloody awful, that’s all.’

Nicky decided he could make a useful contribution to the conversation. ‘Timpson Minor said it was stupid,’ he said, then clapped a hand over his mouth, realizing that ‘stupid’ could hardly be classified as ‘pleasant’ and said hurriedly, ‘His sister loves it. She’s six.’

‘That’s about the age group it’s aimed at,’ Sukie agreed. ‘And as for that bimbo what’s her name, Patsy? Yes, Patsy Hall. Where on earth did they find her?’

Geoff lowered his head to hide the fact that he was blushing furiously. He had been having an intermittent fling with Patsy ever since she’d joined the series. He was aware that she was totally talentless, but she smelt, felt and tasted delightful. He decided to employ double bluff tactics.

‘Oh come on, she’s not that bad.’

‘She’s appalling.’ Sukie poured herself some tea. ‘She can’t act, she can’t move, she can’t speak and, worst of all, she has absolutely no class!’

‘I think she’s one of Hugh’s mistakes,’ Geoff said lamely.

‘I really think you should have a word with Hugh. He may be losing his grip.’

‘Have I met him?’ asked Geoff, abruptly changing the subject and addressing his son – ‘this Timpson turd?’

‘Geoff,’ Sukie remonstrated.

‘No, Dad, his parents are very rich. I’d hardly bring him back here, would I?’ asked Nicky, giving his father a pitying look.

‘Oh that’s nice, isn’t it? Are you suggesting that your home is not good enough for turdfeatures Timpson?’ enquired Geoff icily.

‘Geoffrey, please,’ interposed Sukie.

‘Dad,’ said his son calmly, ‘if you can’t say anything pleasant, don’t say anything at all.’

‘I shall say what I bloody well please,’ said Geoff venomously. ‘You can tell Timpson Minor from me that I think he’s a pain in the arse.’

‘Who’s a pain in the arse?’ panted Ben, as he came in through the back door clad in running gear. ‘Hi, Dad.’

‘Hello, Ben,’ said his father, surprised. Ben was fifteen and as laid-back as Nicky was energetic. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I live here, remember?’ replied his son easily.

‘I meant, why aren’t you at school, and what are you doing in your tracksuit?’

‘Marathon practice,’ replied Ben briefly. ‘Who’s a pain in the arse?’

‘Ben,’ said Sukie sternly.

Nicky filled him in. ‘I was telling Dad that Timpson Minor thought Sunday’s episode of The Old Bastards was stupid.’

‘Nicky!’

‘Well yes,’ said Ben, ‘but he only said that because Timpson Major said it.’

‘Who the hell do these Timpsons think they are?’ Geoff asked in a voice rising with sarcasm and disbelief. ‘Are they experts in the field of the television dramatic critique or what?’

‘No, of course not, Dad,’ replied Ben equably, ‘but on this point you must admit it’s a fair assessment.’

‘Did you see Sunday’s episode?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘I never watch it, Dad, you know that. They all watch it at school. Unfortunately.’

‘I saw it,’ said Sukie, still thinking of Patsy. ‘It stank!’

Geoff looked stunned for a moment. Then, with all the dignity he could muster, he said, ‘Did it? Did it indeed? Well, I should like to point out to you all that this stinking programme pays the mortgage, buys the food, provides for your future, supplies your sports equipment, pays for your holidays …’

‘Feeds the cat,’ Nicky suggested helpfully.

Geoff glared at him. ‘Feeds the cat,’ he conceded. ‘Er, buys, er …’

‘Buys Mum’s clothes,’ prompted Nicky, determined to help his father out.

Sukie glanced down at her fading jeans and sagging tee shirt. ‘What clothes?’ she asked.

‘Thank you, I can manage to quote from this litany of advantages without your assistance,’ Geoff remarked to Nicky. Then, turning to his wife, he said, ‘Are you aware that there is a pile of dirty washing in the middle of the floor?’

Sukie regarded the offending heap with mild interest. ‘Yes, as a matter of fact, I was going to ask you if you could add a laundry service to your list of things that that crass TV series makes possible?’

‘Crass?’ enquired Geoff politely.

‘What’s crass?’ asked Nicky.

‘Oh come on, Geoff, you must admit it is pretty dire.’

Geoff rose to his feet without a word and left the kitchen.

‘Nice one, Mum,’ observed Nicky.

‘What are you going to eat, Ben?’ asked his mother.

‘Beans on toast,’ replied Ben immediately, ‘but I’ll get it.’

‘Can I have some?’ chimed in Nicky.

Geoff reappeared carrying a script and a jacket. ‘I am going out now,’ he announced. ‘I may be some time. I am, in fact, about to make the same sort of heroic gesture as that remarkable man Captain Lawrence Oates. I am going to compromise my integrity, jeopardize my career, sacrifice my dignity – it’s a form of suicide, I think you’ll agree – and all for the sake of my family – to whom I am devoted – to ensure their survival. In other words, I am going to attempt a read-through of this crass, stupid, nay dire television series – which stinks and of which I am happy and proud to be the figurehead. You must excuse me – duty calls.’ And so saying he opened the back door and swept out.

There was a brief silence as the little group remaining in the kitchen went about their business. Ben proceeded to heat up some baked beans and cook two perfectly golden brown pieces of toast, one for Nicky, one for himself. Sukie poured herself a second cup of tea. After a moment or two, Brambles thrust a tentative head through the cat flap. Having ascertained that the coast was clear, the rest of him followed and he walked confidently in, made straight for the breadboard and settled himself down comfortably beside it, paws tucked beneath him.

‘I think you could have been a bit more circumspect about the laundry service, Mum,’ Ben said.

‘What’s circumspect?’ asked Nicky.

‘Well, it is a dreadful show,’ said Sukie defensively. ‘It used not to be, but it’s become just dull and improbable, which sounds like a paradox, I suppose …’

‘What’s a paradox?’ asked Nicky.

‘What it needs,’ continued Sukie, ‘what it really needs, is an injection of new blood, a bit of life – a new character. And to get rid of the ghastly Patsy,’ she added savagely under her breath.

‘They are looking for a tall blonde to play a tough business woman, owner of a rival art gallery, bent on poaching the McMasters’ clientele and putting them out of business. The story line being, of course, that the two galleries eventually decide to merge and Sara Harper, that’s the character, takes over joint control of the business with Paul McMaster and he falls for her, which causes all sorts of complications on the work and home front, as you can imagine. It’s a great part and you’re absolutely right for it, except that you’re not tall and you’re not blonde – hang on a minute, there’s someone on the other line.’