Jane Lark - I Need You

His Adam’s apple shifted as he took a breath. “I did betray him. I betrayed you both… But… Look… Just say you forgive me and we’ll move on from it.”

“I don’t need to forgive you. It happened. That’s all. At the time I needed it.” Despair crashed into me, like another sneaker wave hit us, ripping into me and trying to drag me out into the ocean.

Frigid . That’s what Jason’s new girlfriend had called me. She’d said he’d told her I was no better than sleeping with stone, and now Billy thought doing it with me was like rape.

My forehead dropped onto my knees as I let the wave of pain wash away, and the tears came again… I just wanted everything to be normal. I wanted to turn back time and make sure none of this had happened. But it was happening, and I couldn’t change it.

Think positive––I’d got to twenty-two and had years of happiness to remember and hold on to, and Dad and I could make loads more happy memories.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I lifted my head and looked at Billy. I couldn’t fix other things, but I could fix this…“Why did you think I didn’t want to?”

“Why?” The surprise in his voice was matched by his eyebrows lifting. He thought it was obvious.

He dropped his second handful of sand, rubbed his palms on his shorts, then rested his forearms on his bent knees. “You hardly moved.” A sigh left his lips. “I was going to stop, but I didn’t know which was worse, to stop and pretend it hadn’t gone too far or… Well…” He looked at me. “Sorry.”

My forehead dropped on to my knees, so I could hide. I was that bad.

The weight of his palm settled on my shoulder, then rubbed a little before tugging me against him.

I fell into him, sobbing, still hugging my knees, not holding him, but he held me. “Lindy. I really am sorry.”

“I’m shit,” I said against his shoulder. “I’m crap in bed.” I’d never felt comfortable with sex, probably because I’d never felt comfortable with myself. I didn’t like sex. It just made me aware of all the bits of my body I hated and didn’t want to think about. Sex had always been awkward.

A laugh rumbled in his chest.

I pulled away and smacked his shoulder. “It’s not funny.”

Jason had left me because of it. He was all over Rachel, touching and kissing her. I’d even seen them full-on kissing in the store.

He’d never kissed me like that. Our sex had been crap, and it had not been his fault because he didn’t seem to have a problem with Rachel.

It had been my fault and he’d been mean enough to tell his new girlfriend and she’d fucking cruelly told me.

Billy’s palm lifted, calling truce. “Okay, it’s not funny. It’s just the way you said it.”

Awesome. He’d gone from an apology to laughing at me, humor hovered in his eyes.

I pushed myself up and headed toward the ocean. The sun was a giant-red ball dipping its toes.

“Lindy! I didn’t mean to upset you!”

I slipped my sandals off, bent and picked them up, while he caught up with me.

“Honest, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to laugh.”

I looked at him, my eyes accusing. “You’re getting good at saying sorry, Billy.”

His lips twisted in a dismissing smirk, but his eyes questioned me.

I poked my tongue out at him then turned toward the ocean again. I could just keep walking. Walk into the waves and let them take away the turmoil in my head. But shame and guilt wouldn’t let me do it now I’d seen how much it would hurt Mom and Dad… and anyway, I was afraid of the ocean and everything beneath it.

I turned to walk parallel to the waves. His arm came around me. The weight of his hand on my shoulder. Frickin’ tears started falling again. He pulled me against him as we walked. The world span.

I needed to be held and loved. The feeling rippled through my nerves. It was that feeling that had made me let him do it in the SUV. Jason had been miles away in New York.

I pulled free of Billy and moved away, walking along in the last ripples of the waves. The water was freezing, numbing my feet. Like life had numbed my soul.

My belly did a queasy turn as I looked down at the water. The sky had turned a deeper, darker blue. It was getting dark. The sun had nearly disappeared. I felt a bit drunk now.

“Why am I so bad at doing it?” I looked over at Billy.

The douche laughed again.

I lifted my hand to hit him with my sandals, but he grabbed my wrist, meeting my glare with a look that said, no way .

“Lashing out is a habit you need to get out of, Lind.”

Maybe it was, but it was a good way to vent everything I felt. I growled at him, snarling.

He laughed openly, but then he bent and––

Frick! The guy picked me up like a fireman, so I dangled over his massive shoulder. My belly revolted. “Billy! Billy!”

He started walking back up the beach, in the direction of our apartments.

“Billy!”

Nausea rolling through me, I smacked his ass with my sandals. “Billy put me down, I feel sick!”

He still didn’t.

“Billy!”

He just kept walking, laughter rumbling in his chest. “I’m sorting you out once and for all girl.”

A guy we passed gave me an odd look. Billy was flashing my panties at the other people on the beach.

“Put me down! I’m gonna be sick, Billy!” I screamed this time. He didn’t stop. My belly lurched. “If you don’t, I’m gonna be sick all down your back!” I was desperate now.

He stopped. I think he’d got the message.

He slid me off his shoulder, lowering me carefully.

I didn’t stop to rant. I was going to be sick. Oh, I felt bad.

I turned and ran. My head pounded out a message that I’d drunk too much.

I really was gonna be sick.

When I got to my apartment, I swiped my key, shoved the door open and ran for the bathroom.

When Billy came in, I was on my knees leaning over the toilet bowl. Happy pills, cocktails and being tipped upside down really didn’t mix.

“You okay? Dumb question, you’re obviously not. Shit.” He turned, filling a glass with water as I kept retching.

His hand settled on my back when I finished. Then there was a tumbler of water in my hand. I didn’t drink it. I was sweating and shivery and I felt awful. He took it back out my hand and put it on the floor. Then as I just collapsed over the toilet bowl, he sat on the bathroom floor across the room, with his back against the tiles.

“Lindy?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk.

“Are those your pills?” He was looking up at a shelf over the sink.

I grunted and was sick again.

He got up, picked them up looked at how many were there and then read the packet. “You’re not meant to drink alcohol with these…”

Yeah, I knew that. My head had a hammer in it reminding me, and I was throwing up in the pan.

When I finished this time, there was a cold washcloth pressed into my hand. “I’ll stay in your room tonight. Make sure you’re okay.”

I didn’t say anything. I felt too sick to care.

Lindy

When I woke the sunlight in the room hurt my eyes and I blinked a dozen times. Billy had picked me up in the bathroom and carried me to bed last night. I must have fallen asleep leaning on the toilet.

He came into focus. He sat on the bed, wearing the same cargo shorts and t-shirt.

“Can I have a glass of water?”

“Here.” There was one beside the bed. He just reached for it and handed it to me as I sat up.

I sipped it, watching him.

“You talk in your sleep.”

“Great. What did I say?”

Not answering, he got up and pulled his cell out of his back pocket, looking at something on it, as his thumb moved the screen and kept tapping it.