Josephine Cox - Journey’s End

Her voice breaking with emotion, Lucy bowed her head. For a moment neither she nor Adam spoke, but when he reached out to lay his hand over hers, she grasped it tight, drew it to her face and held it there for a moment.

To Lucy the moment was immensely comforting. Adam was right. He knew her as no one else could. He had travelled the years with her and Barney, and when Barney was gone, he was her beacon of light through days of darkness.

Though he could never be Barney, Adam was a very special man.

When the moment was gone, she released his hand and raised her eyes to his. ‘I try, but I can’t stop thinking about them – Susie, the two boys and Vicky, that lovely gentle woman who did all she could for me and Jamie – treated us like her own family. You know how devoted she and Barney were to each other, how they lived their whole life around each other. What happened to them, to the children, was so cruel, Adam … so terrible!’

So many sunsets had come and gone since those days over twenty years ago, she thought. In her mind she cast her memory back to the time when she could run like the wind and her life was filled with sunshine and the joy of youth. But there had been pain too; such pain she had thought never to recover from it. But somehow life goes on and takes you with it, whether you want it to or not.

Later, when everything else was lost, she and Barney had known their own joy together, and though it was for such a short time, Lucy had thanked the Good Lord many times over.

After Barney had died from the heart disease that had destroyed his last few years on this earth, her life seemed desolate. But then Barney had left her with a new life: Mary, their daughter, had been her salvation. Along with her dear friend, Adam, that patient, endearing man to whom she owed so much.

‘Sometimes I think I’m the luckiest woman in the world.’ Speaking her thoughts in a whisper, she hardly even noticed that Adam was beside her.

‘Lucy?’ Adam’s quiet voice invaded her thoughts. ‘What are you thinking?’

She looked up at him, her quiet eyes bathing his face. ‘I was just thinking how Barney and I had so little time together. The days went all too swiftly, and even when we were making love and Mary was conceived, I always knew it was Vicky he needed, and not me.’ Her smile was bittersweet. ‘I didn’t mind, not really. I would rather have had that small part of him, than live all of my life without him.’

Adam had never heard Lucy talk of her relationship with Barney in that particular, intimate way. He felt embarrassed and humbled, yet proud that she felt able to impart such a confidence to him.

Suddenly she had his face cradled in her hands, her warm blue eyes hinting a smile. ‘I’m sorry.’

Relaxed in her gaze, he asked, ‘Why should you be sorry?’

‘I’ve been insensitive … talking of private moments with Barney, when I know how you feel towards me.’

Adam did not want her to reproach herself, and so he led her away from that place. ‘Have you always known how much I love you?’

Lucy’s smile was radiant. ‘You were never very good at hiding it.’

‘Did you think I was foolish?’

‘Never! Besides, I always loved you back. But not in the way I loved Barney.’

Adam’s face crumpled in a smile. ‘It’s an odd world,’ he said. ‘I love you; you loved Barney; and he loved Vicky. The eternal triangle.’

Letting go of him, Lucy sat back in her seat. ‘We can’t help the way we feel,’ she answered.

With her touch still tingling on his skin, Adam waited a moment, before in a spurt of boldness he asked, ‘Marry me?’

Momentarily taken aback, Lucy was about to answer, when he stopped her. ‘You said just now you loved me, though I accept it could never be like it was with Barney. But I’ve never loved anyone else and never could. Think about it, Lucy. We’re so good together. We can talk easily to each other …’

There was so much he wanted to say. ‘We’ve known some wonderful times, Lucy,’ he remarked thoughtfully. ‘Some good, some bad. But we’ve lived through them together, always supporting each other. We make each other laugh, we’re content and easy in each other’s company. What more could we ask, at our time of life? And I’ll always take care of you, Lucy. You know that.’

Lost for words, she took a moment to consider what he was saying. This was not the first time Adam had proposed, and she suspected it would not be the last. But this time there was a kind of desperation about his boldness, and it made her ashamed.

‘Oh Lucy, I’m so sorry.’ Wishing he had kept his silence, Adam was concerned that he had turned her against him. ‘Now I’ve spoiled everything, haven’t I?’

Lucy put his fears to rest. ‘No, you haven’t, you darling man. We’ve always understood each other, and we’ve always been able to speak our minds. That will never change. You’ll always be very special to me.’

‘But you won’t marry me?’

‘I can’t.’

‘Never?’

Lucy had learned to count her life in minutes and weeks. ‘Never is a long time.’

Sensing a kind of acceptance, Adam thought it wise to back away from the subject of marriage. ‘I won’t mention it again.’

Lucy chuckled. ‘Yes, you will.’

‘Do you want me to?’

Loth to mislead him, she made a suggestion. ‘Why don’t we just leave things as they are for now? When I have a change of mind, I’ll be sure to tell you. Agreed?’ She held out her hand for him to hold.

Adam was thrilled. Lucy had said, ‘when I have a change of mind’.

That was his first real glimpse of hope. ‘Agreed!’ Reaching out, he took hold of her hand and kept it clasped in his for a moment longer than necessary, until Lucy gave him one of those reprimanding, twinkling looks that turned his toes up and set his old heart racing.

The conversation took another direction. ‘Lucy …’ He hesitated. ‘Will you let me take you back?’

‘ Back ?’ She knew what he meant, but could not bring herself to acknowledge it. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Back there … to Jamie.’ Before she could protest, he went on, ‘For your own peace of mind, you must go back. Do you think I don’t know how it haunts you? Sometimes, when your mind wanders, I know you’re thinking of him, reliving that night, remembering every little detail. I feel your pain, Lucy. You need to be there. It isn’t enough that you’ve arranged to have his grave looked after, and no, Bridget did not tell me about that. She didn’t have to.’

Lucy felt the weight of his every word. ‘Are you judging me?’ she whispered.

Adam shook his head. ‘I would never judge you, you know that,’ he assured her. ‘We all need to deal with things in different ways. I knew you could never come away and not have someone look after Jamie’s resting-place. Bridget was the obvious choice; she’s loyal and honest, and she thinks of you as family.’

Lucy gave a wistful smile. ‘She’s always been there for me, and now she’s there for little Jamie. I owe her so much.’

‘I know that. And it’s a good arrangement, but it isn’t the same, is it? Forgive me, Lucy, but anyone can pay weekly visits and place the flowers there, and I know Bridget is a long and loyal friend, but she is not his mother. You are.’

Pausing a moment, he then went on in softer tone, ‘I know how, deep down, you long to go back. Let me take you, Lucy. Please! Let me do that much for you at least?’

‘I can’t!’

‘Why not?’

For a long moment Lucy lapsed into silence, her mind alive with the past, then in a fearful voice she asked, ‘What do you think happened to Edward Trent?’

Adam snorted with disgust. ‘We can only hope and pray he’s already got his comeuppance. A man like that must incur enemies and loathing wherever he goes.’