Sommer Marsden - Lost in You

I gulped my wine and tried not to feel anxious, reminding myself that this was news, after all. And their job was not just to report but to get you to watch, so a small amount of sensationalism had to be factored in.

‘You holding up?’

‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Why?’

‘Your glass is starting to show stress fractures.’

I glanced, horrified, at one of the two short wine glasses he’d dug up. ‘I – it is not!’

Dorian laughed. ‘Yeah, but you are holding it a bit tight.’

‘I am not good at disasters. I tend to get agitated. I am a bit of a control freak, in case that escaped you.’

He shook his head. ‘Not at all.’

I snorted. ‘Anything that I have no control over such as a quote super-storm unquote makes me twitchy.’

‘There have been three deaths due to this super-storm,’ the newscaster said, and we both went silent. ‘The most recent being a woman in her eighties at the senior home on Mount –’

I stood up quickly and turned towards the doorway.

‘Clover! Wait, I’m coming with you.’

I walked outside the store and waited, regulating my breathing. I was embarrassed beyond belief at my reaction but couldn’t seem to help it. And then I got angry wondering what the fuck I was sorry for. Being scared?

‘I should have realised they’d be reporting –’

‘It’s fine. I just needed to get up and move. Where’s the wine?’

He raised an eyebrow at me and I nearly leaned in to recreate that kiss.

‘On the table. Want me to get it?’

‘That and some of the soda cups. Let’s go for a walk.’

‘Booze and cruise?’

‘Exactly. A little stroll, a little wine. Anything but sitting there listening to doom and disaster.’

‘Stay right here. We’ll be good to go in a second.’

I heard the TV go off and then him behind the counter. Within a moment he was back, a box of wine by his side. I held a cup under the spigot and poured. Then I handed it to him and poured myself one.

‘Ready?’ I asked. I was ready. Ready to slough off the panic that had settled over me while watching the updates.

‘I am. This is the best date ever,’ he said, laughing and toasting me with a plastic cup.

I didn’t react to the word date. I’d die first. I knew he didn’t mean it, it was just a figure of speech.

‘Where are we off to?’

I was feeling the wine. A warm easiness despite the horrible weather and the steady undercurrent of fear.

‘Down to my favourite spot,’ I told him. ‘It’s kind of …’ I giggled. ‘Embarrassing. But it’s pretty when the lights are on and, who knows, they might not be for very much longer.’

‘I’m eager to see this spot.’

Our shoes clacked on the fancy tiled hallways. I couldn’t help myself. ‘I’ve seen my fair share of newspaper articles about you,’ I said. ‘I find it hard to believe that my favourite place in what’s really a glorified shopping mall is exciting to you!’

He smiled at me. Something in the smile was slightly sad, though. ‘Oh, you’d be surprised.’

‘What was the most recent one I read …?’ I touched my chin and tilted my head, pretending to think. I was teasing him a little. Yes, I was definitely feeling the wine. ‘Oh, was it a trip to Africa to build a schoolhouse for orphan children?’

Dorian nodded. ‘Indeed it was.’

‘That seems much more exciting than the hallway outside the movie theatres with small globe lights.’

‘Oh, I don’t know. I guess it depends on why that’s your favourite spot,’ he said.

I darted down the hall that led to the movie theatres and realised I was moving fast enough to be considered running. I heard him pick up speed. What was wrong with me that I was taunting my rich boss? Almost making him chase me?

The wind kicked up and I heard parts of the building groan. The lights flickered and the world lost its brightness. Then they flared back to life again. I stood still, though, already spooked.

He caught my elbow and set the box of wine on the floor. We both still clutched our cups. ‘That trip to Africa?’

I waited, breathing hard. Most of my nerve endings had focused on my elbow where he touched me. ‘Yes? What about it?’

‘I did that, like most things, to humour my mother. She’s sad and rich and likes to see her only son in the newspaper.’

‘Oh … I thought maybe you did it for –’

‘The orphans?’

‘Yes.’ A small part of me felt deflated by his news.

‘Oh, I did. But I’m more low-key. Build it and maybe fly up and secretly pop in to see the fruits of my dead father’s money. See what other people have accomplished brilliantly in my name.’

‘Oh’ was the only thing I could manage. Because now, after being around him for a while, that did seem more his speed. A low-key, humble act.

‘But my mother … she likes to see her baby in the news. She likes people to know our family is still doing great things even after my flashy father’s passing.’

‘Flashy?’

‘He liked to be in the newspaper,’ he said, winking at me. ‘Every day if humanly possible.’

‘Oh,’ I said again. And again I saw that flash of something like sadness cross his handsome face. It made my heart hurt. He’d been nothing but nice to me. Nothing but kind.

I grabbed his hand. ‘Come on. The lights flickered again. Let’s go and see my spot before they go out for good.’

‘What happens when they go out for good?’ he asked, going with me when I pulled him along.

‘You’ll have to coax me out of the corner and make me stop sucking my thumb,’ I said, trying to be funny. But the memories from my past were lurking in the dark shadows of my mind, threatening to make my stupid joke a sad reality.

When we rounded the corner I sat immediately on one of the red leatherette benches under the Rotunda’s marquee. ‘Here we go.’

‘Wow. I’d forgotten about this,’ he said, dropping down next to me.

I let my head fall back against the brick wall. ‘I used to sit here when I was a kid and just stare at all those little globes. Then I’d break free from my grandma and run up the ramps to the very highest level to look at them. I used to imagine …’ I shook my head, cutting off my silly thoughts. I wasn’t very surprised that tears had pricked my eyes.

‘Oh, come on, Clover,’ he groaned good-naturedly. ‘You have to stop leaving me hanging like that! Finish that sentence, woman.’

Then he did something unexpected. He ruffled my hair and then patted my head. It should have seemed an annoying gesture, almost like someone playing with a dog. But it had an undertone to it that was nearly sexual. The familiar nature of it stole my breath. And the way his big hands felt cradling the top of my head sustained that feeling.

‘OK, OK,’ I said, batting his hand away playfully. ‘I used to watch them and imagine that I saw dancing.’

‘Dancing?’

‘People in them dancing.’

His intense green eyes were studying me. I felt like a butterfly pinned to a board. ‘What people?’

‘Me.’ I chewed my lower lip. Was I really going to tell him the truth? Was I really going to admit this stupid thing aloud?

‘You dancing?

‘Me and someone else.’ I slipped my finger back and forth over my expensive, expertly faded jeans.

‘Who?’

‘My dad,’ I blurted. ‘You know, I was a kid and …’ I sighed. ‘The father–daughter dance at school was the first time I had this little crazy fantasy. All the girls came and brought their dads. I came with my grandpa. He was still alive then. And he was wonderful,’ I said, feeling suddenly guilty. ‘Don’t get me wrong. I loved him very much but –’