Eric Morecambe - Mr Lonely

‘Do you like those old films?’ Serina asked. ‘I do. What I like about them is—you can watch the last fifteen minutes and still pick up the story.’ She put the tray down. ‘Next week, it’s The Fleet’s in. Coffee?’

‘I’ll do it. You watch the film.’

‘Turn it off,’ she said. ‘Fred gets Ginger; Sid gets …’

‘What?’

‘Coffee?’

He walked towards the television set. ‘Which is off?’

‘The white one.’

He pressed the button and Fred and Ginger left the room.

‘Come and sit next to me.’ She held her hand out and guided Sid next to her. As he sat down, Serina got up. That shook Sid a little. She turned out all the lights except the glow of the electric log fire. She switched on a tape of romantic music as if it had all been arranged, then stood in front of the glow from the electric fire. Sid could, or thought he could, see through her négligé. The tape was playing a very slow ‘Girl from Ipanema’. Serina put both her arms out towards him. He got up and they danced very close together. They did not actually dance, they stood very close together and swayed to the music. Fred and Ginger danced, Sid and Serina swayed. She put her arms underneath his open jacket, kicked off her slippers and immediately dropped about three inches. She was tiny, top weight five foot, while Sid was a good six foot odd. His only worry was, as her head rested against his lower ribs, that she didn’t think the noise of the coffee still percolating was coming from the region of his lower ribs. She very deftly took off his jacket and let it drop to the ground. Sid thought, I hope she doesn’t dance on that jacket—my reading glasses are in my top pocket. She gently pulled down his head and with soft lips she munched his ear-lobe. Her mouth slid from his ear towards his mouth. He hadn’t been kissed like that since the party where a drunken Swedish masseuse had tried to swallow him whole. I’ve still got her card in my pocket, he thought.

Serina now, with her small, strong body, started to push Sid back towards the settee. I’ll have to lift her over the jacket, he thought. He tried but the négligé she was wearing was satin and she just kept slipping out of his grasp. His foot was now in one of his jacket sleeves. As he slowly went back, so did his jacket. Gradually he made his way back towards the settee, until the backs of his legs touched the upholstery. He tried to sit down slowly but she was still kissing him and she gave him one final body push. Sid went backwards, their lips parted, but not their bodies. Serina was now on top of him on the settee. Her last push took him by surprise. He lost his balance, his legs went up in the air and the jacket left his foot, flying upwards over her shoulders. He saw the jacket land on the small chandelier above them. The top pocket of his jacket was now facing downwards. Slowly, through the swaying of the chandelier, Sid’s thick, library-type reading glasses were slipping out. Serina’s lips were searching hungrily for his. The percolator was going berserk. His glasses dropped. He tried to catch them before they hit the back of her head but he failed as he could not see them without his glasses. They landed, both arms downwards, on the back of her blonde hair. She felt nothing, her hair having so much lacquer. The glasses were trapped and were now looking upwards towards the jacket on the small, almost stationary, chandelier. Her emotions were still high. Sid tried to reach the glasses with one hand but as he touched them she left his lips to moan, ‘Don’t touch my hair, Sid.’

‘Heh?’

‘Not my hair, darling.’

‘Heh?’

‘Anywhere else but not my hair.’

His hand drew away while her lips tried to find his mouth again, like a month-old piglet looking for the teat of its mother. The percolator was almost dancing on the table.

Sid freed his mouth and said, ‘Do you fancy a coffee?’

‘Turn the bloody thing off.’

‘How?’

‘It’s electric. There’s a switch. I’ll do it.’

She got off Sid and flicked the switch at the bottom of the percolator to the down position. Sid was still lying on the settee. She looked down at him and through a pouted mouth said, ‘Would you like to see the rest of the flat?’

‘Pardon?’ Sid said.

‘The rest of the flat. Follow me and bring the champers.’

She turned to leave the room, still wearing Sid’s reading glasses on the back of her head. He picked up the bottle and said to his now receding glasses, ‘The percolator is still percolating.’

‘Leave it,’ she whispered breathlessly. He followed her out of the room. ‘Don’t forget the glasses,’ she added.

‘You’ve got them. Oh, yes, the champagne glasses.’

‘I love champagne. It really gets me going.’ Sid dashed back for the champagne glasses on the coffee table. The percolator was still going strong. He unplugged the attached lead at the wall. At the door he looked back into the room. I wonder what the melting point of glass is? he said to himself.

‘In here, Sidney.’

Sidney, he thought. I hate being called Sidney. My mother used to call me Sidney.

He went into the room the voice came from. It was just as nice as the other room and the bed was covered with one of those enormous pillows. ‘Put the champers there, darling.’ She pointed to a dressing-table. ‘It’s bigger than that stinking dressing-room, eh?’

‘I’ll say. Should I open it now?’

‘Why not?’

‘The best way to open champagne so it won’t blow is to hold the cork and turn the bottle.’

‘Oh.’

‘I read that in my diary.’ He undid the foil and the wire, then screwed the bottle round, while holding the cork. Serina sat on the edge of the bed. Sid wondered if she was still wearing his glasses. The cork left the bottle followed by a shower of two full glasses of wasted champagne. Serina laughed. It sounded like the scream of cattle on barbed wire.

Sid shouted, ‘Oh, sod it.’

‘I hope that gave you some ideas, Sidney.’

He held the bottle to her glass and filled it. The bubbles subsided. He handed her one glass. She was about to lie back. ‘Don’t lie down, darling,’ Sid almost shouted.

‘Oh, something different in mind, Sidney?’

He poured one for himself. ‘Yes.’

‘How do you do it with your clothes on?’ Serina giggled. Her giggle was softer than her laugh, very similar to a dentist’s high-powered water drill.

‘Slowly,’ he grinned.

‘Not too slowly, I hope.’ From the other room the tape was going strong. ‘Turn off the tape in the other room, cherub,’ she instructed.

‘Yes, okay.’

Sid left the bedroom and went back to the other room. He turned the tape off, and looked at the still-percolating coffee. He touched the glass. It was still very hot. If I hadn’t turned that off, we might be in orbit by now, he thought.

He went back to the bedroom. Serina was now naked and pouring another glass of champagne. Her back was turned towards Sid and his reading glasses were still safe. She drank her champers down and passed him a full glass. He took it and drank it quickly. She was starting to get heady.

‘Sid, you’re lovely.’

‘Yes, I know,’ he said.

‘Come to bed.’ He undid his tie. ‘Allow me.’ She took off his shirt and slowly undressed him, drinking and laughing. Sid thought, This is going to be one hell of a night. A night to remember. I’ll ask her for my glasses tomorrow.

Sid drove home with drunken care—the kind of driving a police patrol would notice instantly. Twenty-three miles an hour in a thirty mile an hour zone, twenty-nine miles an hour in the forty mile an hour zone; and ninety miles an hour in the seventy mile an hour zone. He had had a few so the best thing to do was to drive with all due care. It was two-fifteen a.m. The Rover cruised in a straight line, albeit in the centre of the road. The roads were empty and, anyway, he was only a few minutes away from his house. Past the Tally-Ho Corner and turn right at the Torrington Arms, into Friern Barnet and home. 22 Peacock Lane. Every time he drove down Peacock Lane, he felt satisfaction, a feeling of achievement. It gave him pride. Tonight, as he drove back towards Peacock Lane, having missed the turning, he felt all three—pride, and the satisfaction of his achievement. He thought, if he had a family motto, it would be: Pri, Satis, Achi.