Len Deighton - Only When I Larf

‘What’s everyone doing this morning?’ said Silas. ‘After we leave the bank I mean.’

‘Are we going to the bank first?’ said Liz.

‘Of course we are,’ said Silas. ‘What do you want to do, leave all that money lying around under the bed? Certainly, that’s the first thing to do; get that stuff into a good strong vault.’

‘Are we going to buy a car?’ Liz said.

‘I’ve arranged all that,’ said Silas. He pushed the cat off his knee.

‘I want a car of my own,’ I said. ‘I’m fed up with having to ask you every time I want to go anywhere.’

‘Just as you wish,’ said Silas. ‘If you want to undertake all the trouble and expense, then do.’

‘I want a red car.’

‘Very well,’ said Silas putting down his newspaper. ‘Have any car you wish. I shall of course deduct expenses and set aside our “projects fund” for the next operation, but after that there will still remain a sizeable payment for each of you.’ I said, ‘Can I buy two cars? A Mini Cooper as well as a Rolls.’

‘No,’ said Silas. ‘I bought two cars when I was a young man.’

I was going to say something corny like ‘did they have cars then?’ but I didn’t want to spoil his good mood. Silas went on, ‘I had them both delivered simultaneously and they were outside the door shining like an RSM’s boots. The neighbours were discussing them, and my younger brother stood near them just to get a bit of the glory. I went out and looked at each of them, as though making sure they were what I ordered, and then I got into the front one and started it up. The motor caught first time, and I pumped the accelerator and made the devil of a din. I made sure the gear lever was fully in, because I didn’t want the gears to crash, and then I let in the clutch. Too quickly of course, I wasn’t a very skilled driver. But I had the gear in reverse and bang I went back into the other car and smashed both of them severely. I can remember the neighbours trying not to laugh. My God the humiliation. I never owned two cars again. Never, no matter how much money I made on an operation, I never bought two cars.’

‘A yellow car would be gorgeous,’ Liz said. ‘Yellow like mustard.’

‘It’s not a bad job this one,’ said Silas. ‘You’ll have enough for a mink or a diamond.’

‘I just want you,’ said Liz and she kissed Silas. He was embarrassed but he needn’t have been. He should have been proud.

‘We will have a really good time. A happy time I mean,’ Silas said. Perhaps he was thinking about smashing up those cars when he was a kid, because he gave one of his rare loud laughs. It was disconcerting when he did that, because it was awfully easy to get the feeling that the joke was on you.

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