Roxie Cooper - The Law of Attraction - the perfect laugh-out-loud read for autumn 2018

Erm, yes, Martin. I’m pretty sure the lecturer – an experienced, practising barrister of seventeen years – knows more about this subject than you. In short, he was an advocate of the ‘if you can’t blind them with your knowledge, dazzle them with your bullshit’ school of thought.

It all came to a head on this night we’d come out to celebrate our last exam. We deserved it. It had been such a long year. Hours spent in seminars, long nights in the library, many tears shed over whether we’d pass our oral exams – would the nerves make us stutter in front of the examiners?

The whole class piled into the Union bar as soon as it finished.

We survived.

The bar was blaring out summer tunes, the sun shone in through the large windows, and that overwhelming feeling of exhaustion, which sets in immediately following exams, consumed us.

And then he came in.

He didn’t have any friends so he just kept attaching himself to small groups of people who were obviously desperate to get rid of him as he knocked back Jack Daniels and coke, buying shots for everyone in a desperate bid to be liked.

After a few hours, drunk, and even more vile than usual, he snared me at the bar as I was waiting to be served.

‘So, Amanda, you gonna miss me when I’m gone?’ he asked, leaning his elbow on the bar in a way he presumably thought was cool, sexy or both. There wasn’t a hint of irony in his voice.

‘Erm, nope,’ I replied, moving away from him, staring straight ahead at the bar.

‘Oh, come on, you know you will. We never really got to know each other, did we?’ he whispered into my ear, putting his hand on my arse over my denim shorts.

I turned to face him. ‘No, Martin, we didn’t,’ I growled, forcefully removing his hand. ‘But if you ever touch me like that again, I’ll fucking kill you. Do you understand?’

He stood back, a few feet away, looking right at me. His entire repulsive face screwed up, his enormous black eyebrows chunked together like two dead slugs. He appeared shocked and pissed off, rather like the behaviour he’d just displayed was completely acceptable and I was overreacting.

‘Do you know what you are, Amanda?’ he spat at me. ‘You’re a tease…’

‘How exactly am I a tease?!’ I screeched in his face.

‘This little cat and mouse game you’ve been playing me all year…’

‘Woah! Martin Let’s be clear about this…’ I held my hands out in a ‘let’s just calm down’ way, aware I was raising my voice, but I was not having him accusing me of leading him on. ‘There’s been NO game. I’ve openly despised you. Are you that arrogant, you think all women want you? That you’re irresistible in some way?!’ I mean, I laughed in his face because it’s so ridiculous. He’s a joke.

‘Do you even understand who I am?!’ he said, like he thought he was actually a film star. ‘Look at you and look at me. You should be thrilled I even gave you the time of day! I usually wouldn’t even talk to someone like you. Only reason I did is because I fancied a bit of that ass, but that’s all you’ve got going for you. You’ll end up back on a council estate where you belong…’

I was actually embarrassed for him.

Unbeknown to both of us, people had gathered around, watching the spectacle unfold. There was only one person disgracing themselves, and it wasn’t me.

I started laughing because he really did think he was it. His whole life, he’d been told he could have anything he wanted, and now he couldn’t. He looked furious.

‘What?’ he yelled, nastily. ‘You find it funny you’re going nowhere? You think someone like you can actually make it at the Bar?! You’re wasting your time, babe…’

‘Martin,’ I said in the most patronising voice I could find. ‘I’ve consistently had the highest marks in our class all year. I’ve received two scholarships. I’ve earned – not bought – a pupillage interview at the best set of Chambers in the north-east. You’ll be lucky to pass this course. So do tell me how you think you’re superior to me…’

And that’s when he called me a ‘fucking bitch’.

‘It must be awfu l, not being able to buy your way out of something, Martin…’ I went on. I should probably have shut up but I’d had a drink and the guy needed to hear some home truths. ‘Good grades, the girl you fancy. Life’s a bitch, innit?’

Martin looked around the bar and was met with a wall of faces staring at him, saying more eloquently than a thousand words ever could: ‘you deserve this’.

‘You’ll regret this, Amanda. Nobody makes a fool out of a Gregg and gets away with it,’ he said, pushing past me and out the door.

I was just glad to see the back of him.

Everyone came up to ask if I was okay, and I felt fine. Just relieved I’d never have to see that nasty, toxic cretin again.

CHAPTER 5

Hideous. Just hideous .

I manage to get through the horrendous ‘introduction’ without divulging our ‘history’ (in other words, his being a nasty, awful sex pest). He, on the other hand, looks far too pleased with himself, going on to say, ‘I’m really looking forward to working with you in a professional context .’

He means it.

I make an excuse about having to leave so I can be back ‘bright and early’ in the morning and leave. Emergency drinks with Heidi are required.

‘Why don’t you just tell them all he’s a right smart-arse who nobody liked at law school?’ she asked, rather naively, swigging at her Chilean red in one of the super-chic bars overlooking the river on a warm, September evening.

‘I’ll look like a venomous bitch! You should have seen them, Heidi, they were all over him. He’s obviously fooled them already,’ I reply, sighing at the end of the sentence for effect. ‘I just can’t believe he has done this. This was supposed to be such an important day for me. Now it’s ruined.’

‘Always the drama queen, Mandy!’ Heidi proclaims (yeah, like she can talk). ‘Why don’t you just ignore him? His true colours will show through eventually. What are you worried about?’

I can’t really answer. If truth be told, I’m not sure why I am so bothered. Is it because he is stealing my thunder? Because I know how false he is?

‘Unless you’re worried that he’ll impress Chambers more and win the tenancy,’ Heidi throws out there.

‘Don’t be stupid. Of course I’m not,’ I reply, absolutely incredulous Heidi would even suggest such a thing. I don’t think that for a second.

That’s exactly what I’m worried about.

As if pupillage isn’t hard enough without this. He’s obviously bewitched them with magic in some way to get into Chambers. Or bribed them, or something.

Well, however he’s done it, I’ll just have to deal with it.

‘Keep calm and carry on. Martin is a bullshitter. They’ll see through him in a few weeks. There are far worse things that could have happened on a first day. Sounds to me like everything else was fine,’ Heidi (quite rightly) points out.

‘Yes, I know. But, Christ alive… Martin Gregg !’ I squeal, with utter disgust and amazement in my voice, screwing my face up as I do so. Heidi simultaneously picks up my glass of wine and thrusts it into my hand.

‘To pupillage, and beyond!’ she proclaims, holding her glass aloft.

‘Quite. May the best woman win!’ I smile, as we clink glasses and take a slug.

After the first glass of wine oils the pipes, we get a second in and move on to more pleasurable topics, like Sexy Sid. Once I reveal there’s a fit bloke involved, I have Heidi’s undivided attention. She sits in complete silence, her big brown eyes fixated on me, only interrupting to ask the really important questions, like ‘Did he look at you a few seconds longer than was necessary?’, ‘Was he wearing a wedding ring?’ and ‘Did he look like he’d be filthy in bed?’ – don’t know, nope, and YES.