Victoria Cooke - The Secret to Falling in Love

Standing my iPad up on the dressing table, I opened YouTube and searched through hair tutorials until I found one that promised to turn my lacklustre locks into big Hollywood-worthy waves.

After a good forty minutes of teasing, spraying, backcombing and curling, I was pretty happy with the result – though it was not an everyday style, so if Mr Muscle liked me, he’d have to accept my regular tedious tresses as par for the course. Enjoying making an effort, I tried yet another contouring tutorial. The woman in the demonstration looked amazing, and I was hoping for a similar level of flawlessness with the limited supplies I had. I didn’t achieve it; in fact, I still saw puffy hamster cheeks, but I did try.

Sticking with my theme of try-hard glamour, I googled ‘smokey eyes’ and found some apparently simple steps. Usually I ended up looking like I’d been punched in both eyes, but thankfully it worked out pretty well, even if I did say so myself.

Finally, I slithered into my dress. Inspired by Gemma, I was braving a black cut-out body-con dress, though who exactly it thought it was conning was anybody’s guess. It was, however, age-appropriate, and the asymmetric cut-outs fell above my bust, leaving my love handles and newly acquired back fat hidden away. Initially I’d planned to cover up a bit more what with it being the middle of the week and all, but I went with dressing to impress in case he was ‘The One’.

As I was making my final adjustments, my tablet piped up – it was Gemma on Skype. I hit the answer button. ‘Hey, you!’ I shouted cheerfully.

‘Hi, Mel. Looking good, lady!’ She smiled and gave me a thumbs up. ‘Are you all ready for your date with Mr Tinder?’

‘I think so. I’m leaving in a minute to meet him. He’s chosen a Greek place, so I’m thinking he may even be a little cultured. What do you think?’

‘I think he’s definitely cultured his body,’ she said, giggling.

‘I didn’t agree to the date for the muscles, Gem! Okay, he is pretty fit, but his eyes looked . . . er . . . meaningful. I don’t think he’ll take himself too seriously. Let’s just hope the conversation flows and he isn’t an idiot, then all will be well,’ I said hopefully.

‘Definitely. Okay, honey, I have to go, but I just wanted to wish you luck. Have a great time, and remember: if there’s no spark, just snog in the dark!’ We both burst out laughing at her poor attempt at a Take Me Out reference.

‘You have no class, woman. Now get lost and let me get ready!’ I said, still laughing as I hung up.

***

The restaurant was fairly dark; the main source of light appeared to come from pretty tea light candles dotted around the tables and the odd string of fairy lights draped from the traditional taverna-style walls. I probably needn’t have bothered with the contouring , I thought as I sashayed through the narrow aisles of dark wooden tables. The place was really pretty, romantic even, if you liked that sort of thing. I suddenly got the odd sensation that someone was looking at me.

Casting my eyes left, I saw a good-looking man sitting alone. A flicker of recognition crossed his face and he smiled, beckoning me over. Smiling back awkwardly, I headed towards him. The walk was slightly longer than a smile should last, so I had to make the decision to drop it or risk looking like a smiling maniac. I went for the former, unconsciously opting to chew my bottom lip instead.

‘You must be Mel?’ he asked politely, standing up to greet me and stretching his arm out to shake my hand. I found a handshake a little odd, but since my experience of online dating had been minimal, I decided to brush it off.

‘Yes, that’s me,’ I said uncomfortably, returning his handshake, ‘Which would make you Mark?’ I continued, breaking the awkward silence that followed.

‘ The one and only.’ He grinned. I winced at his cheesy intonation. Still, it was minor, and he was probably just nervous. I must give him a chance .

‘Shall we get some dri—’ I cut myself off, realising that he was already in possession of a pint. ‘So do you like Greek food?’ I asked instead.

He shook his head before speaking; he’d just taken a big gulp of beer. ‘Not really tried it. I tell a lie – I have tried it, many years ago. Me and my mates went to Malia for a bit of a holiday, so I reckon I tried it then. All I can remember are these giant—’ he indicated the size with his hands ‘—chicken kebab things with chips in. So I thought it seemed a bit different, a bit fancy, great for a date, and if I didn’t like the look of anything I could always get a chicken and chip kebab. It’s win-win.’ He swigged his pint and smiled. ‘You?’

‘Yes, I love Greek food. I actually make quite a mean moussaka. I think it may have been gyros that you tried?’ I encouraged, trying to keep the conversation flowing.

‘Nah it was definitely a kebab. Most days we ate at McDonald’s, so it sticks out in my mind.’

Okay, so my theory of ‘cultured’ had left the building. Sorry, you lost me at McDonald’s , I think. Luckily Gemma was right though; his body was amazing. As my eyes glazed over it dawned on me that Gemma had looked quite dressed up when we’d spoken earlier; she definitely had make-up on, which was really odd for her as she always took it off as soon as she got home. I wondered if she was going out. But if she was, why hadn’t she mentioned it?

The conversation didn’t get any better. In fact, when it came to ordering, Mark refused to pick anything off the menu and complained when he was unable to order a ‘chip kebab’. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and I encouraged him to try some grilled meat and potatoes instead.

Still drink-less, I started to order, but Mark butted in: ‘Classy bird this one. Better get her a wine,’ winking at the waiter as he did. I was too busy dying of embarrassment to specify a wine colour, never mind a grape variety or country of origin, so I remained silent and anticipated whatever ‘wine’ would arrive.

‘So, what do you do for a living?’ he asked, finally arriving at a topic I was comfortable with.

‘I write a column and some other articles for NorthStyle magazine,’ I said proudly. ‘The magazine is aimed at people living in the city and covers a wide range of issues from technology to eating out.’ I wasn’t convinced this bloke could read, never mind had read NorthStyle .

‘Wow, I’ve seen that magazine. I didn’t know I’d be out with a famous writer.’ He grinned.

‘I’d hardly say famous,’ I said modestly.

‘Your name must still be out there, love. They always have a copy at my dentist’s.’ He took a swig from his fresh pint and raised his glass slightly towards me. ‘I run a distribution business – small vans, speedy delivery sort of thing. With more people shopping online and that, we have grown expedentially.’

‘Exponentially,’ I chipped in before I could stop myself, apparently channelling my mother.

‘What?’ he asked, frowning.

‘The word you used. I think you meant “exponentially” not “expedentially”.’ I sighed inwardly at the realisation that we were like chalk and cheese.

‘Wow, who called the vocabulary police?’ he said loudly, holding his hands up as if to surrender. Luckily, at that moment the waiter came over with my wine.

‘Thank you,’ I mouthed to him, more meaningfully than he would ever realise. I practically inhaled the delicious Roditis, which gave me the confidence to stick out the date a little while longer. Whilst we waited for our food, I let Mark talk. He actually did seem to have done well for himself, which I admired, but he had a certain arrogance about him I found off-putting.