Hannah McKinnon - Time After Time - A heart-warming novel about love, loss and second chances

‘You’ve been through a lot in a very short time, Hayley, even for you. Is there anything we can do to help? Shall we take the kids for a day so you can talk?’

‘No, but thanks. I’ll be okay. Things will get better. They have to. I can’t imagine going on like this.’ They were both silent for a while until Hayley spoke again, more quietly this time. ‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Always.’

‘Do you … do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you hadn’t married Mark?’

Ellen frowned and sipped her wine. ‘Not really. I mean, he drives me barmy. After twenty years he still tells me to put the cap back on the toothpaste. You’d think the bugger would have given up by now.’ She grinned and shrugged. ‘Anyway, you know what my grandmother always said.’

‘No, what?’

‘I’ve never considered divorce but I’ve often thought of murder.’ They both laughed. ‘I almost murdered him the other night. He was late and his phone was dead. I’d already planned his funeral and chosen my outfit by the time he’d got home.’

Hayley giggled. ‘You didn’t tell him that, did you?’

‘Course I did. He said if I played “My Heart Will Go On” he’d spin in his coffin and haunt me forever.’ She sniffed. ‘So I told him I’d play “Another One Bites the Dust” instead.’

Hayley laughed. ‘See? You two crack me up.’

‘What can I say? He’s the love of my life. Yeah, there’s a certain routine but it’s stable too.’ She paused. ‘So you’re wondering then, are you? What your life would be like?’

‘Yes, sometimes,’ Hayley answered quietly. ‘Often, these days.’ She’d never actually said it out loud before.

‘Really?’

‘Yeah. What if I’d made different choices? Like said yes when Chris proposed? We’d probably have a couple of teenage kids by now, he was so keen. His mum would still hate me.’

‘Yes she would.’ Ellen laughed. ‘The miserable old cow.’

‘Hmm … okay then, what if I’d taken Ian back? I’d be loaded. You and I’d be going on girly weekends to Paris and New York. I’d have more diamond rings and designer kit than Kim Kardashian. Just no sex tape.’

‘Ugh,’ Ellen said. ‘But Ian was a tosser.’

‘True. So what about Matthew? I could have been happy, he was a nice guy.’

‘Yeah, nice . You’d have died of boredom by now,’ Ellen giggled and Hayley burst out laughing.

‘Seriously though,’ Hayley said. ‘Do you know who I wonder about the most?’

Ellen raised an eyebrow and didn’t hesitate. ‘No prizes for guessing. Sean.’

‘Sean,’ Hayley whispered, his name sending a delightful shiver through her body. ‘We’d still be together and we’d be happy. I can’t imagine not being happy with Sean.’ Hayley closed her eyes and conjured up his face, heard his voice with his sexy Irish accent, felt his strong hands holding her, his lips slowly, teasingly, wandering down her stomach towards …

Mmmmh

Ellen coughed loudly.

Hayley opened her eyes and blushed. ‘Don’t look at me like that. I’m not the one planning my husband’s funeral.’ She looked away. ‘I’m not wishing my life away or anything. Honest I’m not. Really. I’m not .’

‘Sure. But you are romanticising your relationship with Sean. You were only together for a bit when the shit hit the fan. You’d never be as happy as you are with Rick.’

‘Was,’ Hayley muttered before she could stop herself.

‘You still love him, don’t you? Surely you don’t regret marrying him. Rick and the kids are the best thing that ever happened to you.’

‘Of course I love him. And the kids. Of course I do.’ Hayley forced a laugh. ‘I’m tired and a bit pissed. And pissed off. Must be the booze talking.’

‘So have you ever tried to find out what happened to them? Your exes, I mean.’

‘God no. What for?’ Hayley said.

Only on Facebook and LinkedIn and Instagram.

There hadn’t been much. Apparently she’d either gone out with blokes who thought social media was the devil incarnate or their privacy settings were so stringent, it would have been easier to break into the Tower of London. She looked at her watch. ‘Two o’clock. How did that happen? I need to get my sorry arse home. I’ll have some water and call a taxi.’

Rick snored gently when Hayley slipped into bed. She lay there for a while, her eyes getting heavier and her breath slowing. As sleep gradually took over her body, her mind continued to wander.

What if?

There was no harm in imagining what her life could be like.

Was there?

It was her way of escaping reality and routine.

Wasn’t it?

Everybody sometimes wondered ‘what if?’

Didn’t they?

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