Caroline Church - I Blame The Hormones - A raw and honest account of one woman’s fight against depression

After the aircraft had landed in Menorca, the sun shone down as I loaded my bags into the car; I really felt as though I had a chance to make a change in my life. I was so utterly convinced it would mean the end to my misery that I now wonder how I could have been so naïve. As the taxi drove through the pretty villages to where I was staying, I remember feeling blessed that this opportunity had come my way, and I initially felt more in control of my feelings. However, within a few days of being there the mind-numbing flatness had returned, and as I waded through the surf I knew that it was all pointless. The water was the most beautiful turquoise and the fish would swim around my feet, but still I couldn’t see what was before me as the evil mental chatter returned. My head would be filled with torment, and I couldn’t see the paradise that surrounded me no matter how hard I tried. The people were lovely, the situation idyllic, and yet still the misery followed me. I despaired as I realised that it was never going to leave me, no matter where I went or who I was with. As I looked out over the glorious cove, I remember feeling once again like I should give up and leave this world that I just didn’t fit into.

By now I had seen several psychiatrists, numerous doctors, psychologists, counsellors and a good few gynaecologists. I had seen spiritualists and healers, and taken all manner of medications in the hope that I would get better. I was a drug user and a borderline alcoholic, and I was suffering from all manner of emotional disturbances, which ranged from severe to catastrophic. I had tried art therapy, relaxation therapy and hypnosis to find a cure. I had moved house several times and even moved country in the hope that I would find some respite from the emotional misery that was, and is, clinical depression. By the time I left Menorca, I had been mentally ill for some seven years, and I was just twenty-two years old.

A first-born son and a bonding delay

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