Louise Rennison - The Taming Of The Tights

Jo said, “What’s happened about the Cain thing – is he still on the run, Lullah?”

I went a bit red and quickly said, “I’ve no idea. With a bit of luck Mrs Bottomley will shoot him.”

Flossie said, “Oh, you are sooooo unreasonable, Miss Lullah. Yes, those boys are BAAADDD, but they are so goddam handsome.”

I said huffily, “Yeah, if you like Dark Black … animals in trousers.”

Flossie said, “I do, as it happens.”

Vaisey was trying to be nice. “P’raps they’re just a bit misunderstood.”

I snorted. “Vaisey, do you remember that Cain got Jack to dump you because no girlfriends were allowed in The Jones? He said it was a band rule.”

Vaisey blushed.

Flossie sashayed about. “I am looking forward to seeing that bad Seth Hinchcliff again, oh and Bat boy. He’s not quite so floppy since Honey gave him the snogging lesson.”

I said, “You’re insatiable.”

Flossie said, “I know, but remember what Honey said about boys: ‘alwayth have one ow two on the go. Theth thafety in numbeth.’”

We walked along, thinking about lovely golden Honey in her new golden life in Hollywood. Then Flossie said, “What about you, Miss Tallulah, what did you get up to in your holidays?”

“Well, I was staying with Cousin Georgia and she told me how to do sticky eyes and showed me her snogging scale. It’s from one to ten.”

Go on. Have another look.

Jo said, “Yeah so, are we going to use your cousin’s snogging scale?”

I said, “Well, it doesn’t really fit with my Lulu-Luuuve List so …”

They all looked at me.

Jo said, “What’s your Lulu-Luuuve List then?”

I wanted to tell them about it but not all of it, so I said, “Er, well, I’ve written it down and I was going to bring it in … but I forgot because I got a threatening letter!”

Flossie said, “What? From someone who thinks you should keep your Lulu-Luuuve List to yourself?”

“No, honestly, a real threatening letter saying I was like a bum in a skirt and if I knew what was good for me I would clear off.”

Jo said, “Was it from Dr Lightowler?”

I went red. “No, it was from … from Beverley Bottomley. She said I gallivant around like a tit.”

Flossie said, “Well, she does have a point, Lullah.”

Just then Gudrun came out of the front door of Dother Hall, wildly tinging her hand bell, and shouted, “Go straight to your classes, girls, Ms Beaver has double-booked herself with the Blubberhouses Large Ladies Who Pole Dance For Fun Society, but she will definitely be in to welcome you at some stage today.”

Thankfully, I’d got away with the Lulu-Luuuve List thing for now.

But then Jo said quietly to me as we went in, “Did your Cousin Georgia tell you what number ‘nose-licking’ was on her snogging scale? Is Cain licking your nose on your list?”

She’s like an elephant in a dress.

How on earth could I tell them that nose-licking was quite literally the tip of the … er, the tip of the … nose on the face of the snogging Cain list?

I know I should tell the Tree Sisters everything, and I will.

Soon.

Monty was our tutor for the afternoon. He bustled in. “Hello, hello, girls!!! Happy days!!! Le Show RE-commence!!!”

He was wearing a tartan suit and pink waistcoat. The waistcoat was hanging on round his tummy for dear life. Just by one button.

He went to sit down on his chair but then paused and took to standing and leaning against his desk. I suspect the spirit was willing to sit down, but the suit wasn’t.

He was beyond himself with enthusiasm. His chubby hands clapped together in delight.

“Girls, I am THRILLED, absolutely thrilled about the project this term. Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew , the Bard’s masterpiece about the battle of the sexes. Of course this is often misunderstood as a battle between a man and a woman.

“For the more artistic and creative soul like myself it can of course be interpreted as the battle between our masculine and feminine parts. As a man, I, of course, have a delicate female part hidden. And you girls have a secret male part hidden in a secret place.”

Flossie said, “Is he saying I have a goddam man lurking about in my dance tights?”

Jo said, “You might have. Monty definitely looks like he’s got more than one person in his suit.”

And we began laughing uncontrollably. It didn’t matter though because Monty was off in Italy with his mates.

“I first saw The Shrew as a young man in a nightclub production in Italy. Ah, gilded youth! Biffo and Sprogsy, my great pals, were with me. It was our first trip abroad and we didn’t know it was an all-male production. The boy in the part of Kate was most convincing. The Italians are much more at ease with finding their Inner Woman.”

Monty got us to discuss what we thought ‘Being a Woman’ meant.

Flossie said, “Well, ah don’t rightly know if ah could say, sir, maybe ah could show you …” And she started her Southern belle routine, sashaying around the room.

Monty clapped his pudgy hands. “Marvellous, marvellous, Flossie. I know, girls, let’s go with physical expression to feel our way into the mood. Let’s pursue Flossie’s idea of being a spoilt Southern belle! I’ll start.”

At the very last bell, Sidone burst into the classroom.

She was a vision in fur.

Well, she was in fur.

I don’t know what kind of animal is purple.

She leaned against the door, panting.

Monty flung his arms wide. “Girls, girls, here we have it, before us, Woman!!!”

Sidone blew kisses to us all individually which went on for quite a long time, then said, “So sorry, my dears, not to be here to welcome you back, but the Blubberhouses ladies were very demanding. Such big, big women. The poles will have to be replaced of course.

“Anyway, I wanted to be here to welcome you, but such is life. In order to keep Dother Hall going sometimes I must rent my services out to amateur groups. I do it willingly, of course, but the headaches are quite violent afterwards. But … what do I matter??? It is you, my dears, who are the hope for the future. I am just a dim light from the past, blinking in the firmament of you bright little starlets.”

Monty leapt in. “Nay, nay, madam, you remain the brightest light, the brightest!”

Sidone tinkled with laughter and shook her head at him. “Too kind. And yet perhaps I still have some of the old skills.”

She suddenly did a high kick which only just missed Monty’s chin. He was ecstatic and clapped like a seal in a suit.

I noticed Sidone was holding her leg as she said, “Girls, here are your instructions for tonight, your FIRST night of many first nights, if you will excuse the theatrical pun.”

Which we did because we had no idea what she was talking about.

She handed us each an envelope.

“Open it this evening and bring your ideas for Ms Fox tomorrow. Till then, my dears, my dearie dears.” Kissing her hands, she withdrew from the room.

I said to Flossie, “Did you think she was limping slightly as she went out?”

We were all tired at the end of the day. The Tree Sisters gave me a hug and went off for supper and a lie-down. Flossie said, “If Bob hasn’t burned our beds for firewood.”

I wish I could just have my dinner and pop upstairs instead of trailing all the way into the village. Even though the Dobbins are nice.