Ngaio Marsh - A Surfeit of Lampreys

‘Thank you. Aren’t you going to dress up, Henry?’

Henry hung a pair of field glasses round his neck. ‘I shall play it modern,’ he muttered. ‘Colonel Sisera Blimp.’ He drew a pair of fur-lined motoring gloves over his hands.

Frid came back with a long silver-plated skewer.

‘Be careful how you muck about round my head with that thing,’ said Henry.

‘I want a hammer.’

‘Use your boot. Let’s get it over.’

‘In you go, Robin and Patch. Take that rug and hold it like a tent. You, too, twins. Say how beautiful I am,’ ordered Frid, ‘and wonder if the day has been Sisera’s.’

Robin, Patch and the twins entered the drawing-room unnoticed. Their audience was sitting with its back to the door.

‘We’ve begun,’ said Patch loudly. ‘I wonder how the battle went. Dost thou know if the day is Sisera’s?’

‘Nay,’ said Stephen.

‘Dost thou?’

‘Nay,’ said Colin.

‘And thou?’ continued Patch, irritably, to Robin.

‘Nay, I wot not,’ said Robin and she added hurriedly: ‘how beautiful Jael is!’

‘She is like the new-blown moon,’ agreed Patch.

‘Lo,’ said Colin, ‘here she comes.’

‘How beautiful she is!’ said Stephen.

Frid made an entrance. She had removed her stockings and shoes and had hitched her dress up with scarves. She carried the skewer in her sash and a shoe in her hand. She shut the door and leant against it in a dramatic manner.

‘That’s my scarf,’ said Lord Wutherwood. He turned his back on the charade and began talking in a low querulous voice to his brother.

‘I am a-weary with watching,’ said Frid. ‘Praise to Allah the day is ours. Ho, slaves!’

Patch and Robin threw themselves on their faces. The twins saluted.

‘Lie down, O Jael,’ said Colin abruptly.

Frid crawled into the tent. ‘I am a-weary unto death,’ she repeated.

‘Here comes S-S-sis-sis –’ began Stephen.

‘Hist!’ shouted Patch, coming to his rescue. ‘I hear footsteps. Stand to!’

‘Stand!’ said the twins.

The door opened and Henry came in. He wore a solar topee and his gauntlet driving gloves. He had turned up his trousers to resemble shorts. He focused his field glasses on the audience and said: ‘An arid desert, by Gad!’

‘’Tis Sisera,’ said Frid. ‘Lure him hither, slaves.’

Roberta and Patch made winning gestures. Henry watched them through his field glasses. When they drew nearer he seized Roberta by the arm. ‘A damn’ fine girl, by Gad,’ he said.

‘Come hither, O Sisera,’ invited Roberta uneasily. ‘Come to yonder tent.’

Henry was led to the tent. Frid writhed on the carpet and extended her arms. ‘Do I behold the valient Sisera?’ she asked. ‘All hail, O Captain.’

Henry was dragged down to the floor. A rather confused scene took place in the course of which Frid gave him a few lines from Titania’s speech to Bottom and he began to snore.

‘Vengeance is mine,’ observed Frid. ‘Quick, the nail.’ She drew the skewer from her sash and hammered it into the carpet behind Henry’s head. Henry yelled, gurgled, and lay still.

‘Wail,’ muttered Frid. The twins, Patch and Roberta wailed loudly.

‘That’s all,’ said Frid. ‘Were we right? It was a compound charade.’

Charlot and Lady Katherine clapped their hands. Lord Wutherwood glanced at them with annoyance and resumed his conversation. Lady Wutherwood stared out of the window with lack-lustre eyes.

‘And now tidy up the mess,’ Charlot ordered, ‘I want to show Aunt Violet and Aunt Kit how we fitted into 26. Where’s Mike?’

‘We’ll find him, Mummy,’ said Frid. ‘Come on, chaps. That’s that.’

When they returned to the hall Roberta saw that the Lampreys were in a family rage. Henry and Frid were white and the twins and Patch scarlet with fury. Roberta wondered if these reactions were the natural consequences of their own complexions, if fair people were always more choleric than dark ones. Henry, she saw, was the angriest. He walked off down the passage calling ‘Michael!’ in a voice that brought Mike running. ‘Your mama is asking for you,’ said Henry.

‘I’ve lost the pot,’ said Mike. Henry turned on his heel and came back into the hall. He picked up rugs and hats and slung them indiscriminately into the cupboard.

‘That was a howling success, wasn’t it?’ said Frid. ‘Did either of them so much as glance at us, do you happen to know?’

‘They’ve got the manners of hogs,’ said Patch violently.

‘Uncle Gabriel,’ muttered Stephen slowly, ‘is without doubt an old –’

‘Shut up,’ said Colin.

‘Well, isn’t he?’

‘I hope Mummy’s pleased,’ said Henry. ‘She’s seen us make as big fools of ourselves as can reasonably be expected in one afternoon.’

‘It’s not Mummy’s fault,’ murmured Colin uncomfortably.

Mike came in looking scared. ‘I can’t find the pot I’ve got to give Uncle Gabriel,’ he said. His brothers and sisters paid no attention, Roberta hunted helplessly round the littered hall. Mike, looking anxious, wandered into the drawing-room.

‘Shut that d-door,’ said Stephen.

Patch hurled Lord Wutherwood’s bowler to the far end of the hall.

‘Don’t be a fool, Patch,’ said Henry. Colin picked the bowler up and pretended to be sick into it. The others watched him moodily.

‘This has been great fun for Robin,’ said Henry. ‘We’re sorry our relations are so bloody rude, Robin.’

‘What does it matter,’ said Roberta.

Henry stared at her. ‘You’re quite right,’ he said, ‘it doesn’t matter. But if any of you think that noisome old treasure-trove in there is going to hand us two thousand pounds, you’re due for a disappointment. Daddy could go bankrupt six times over before his charming brother would help him.’

‘You th-think we’re for it then?’ asked Stephen.

‘I do.’

‘We’ll wiggle out,’ said Frid. ‘We always have.’

‘Wolf, wolf,’ said Henry.

‘Why? I don’t see it.’

‘Let’s get out of this,’ suggested Patch. ‘Mummy’s going to take the aunts into 26, isn’t she?’

‘Let’s go into the dining-room,’ said Frid.

Colin reminded them of Mike and the Chinese vase and wondered vaguely if they ought to look for it. Stephen said Lord Wutherwood could be depended upon to take the vase and go away without offering them any assistance. Frid and Henry said they thought the gesture with the vase should be attempted.

‘Was it wrapped up?’ asked Roberta suddenly.

‘Yes. Mummy bought a smart box for it,’ said Patch.

‘Then I know where it is. It’s in her bedroom.’

‘There let it lie, say I,’ said Stephen

‘But if Charlot wants it?’

‘Robin,’ said Frid, ‘be a darling and go into the drawing-room. Hiss to Mummy where the pot is and then if she wants it she can send Mike.’

‘All right,’ agreed Roberta, and returned nervously to the drawing-room. She managed to give Charlot the message.

‘Where’s Mike?’ murmured Charlot.

‘Didn’t he come in here?’

‘Yes, but he’s wandered away.’

‘Shall I find him?’

‘No, never mind.’

As Roberta made for the door she heard Charlot say brightly: ‘Come along, Violet, come along, Aunt Kit, we’ll leave the boys to talk business.’ Roberta hurried through into the dining-room where she found the Lampreys lying close together on the floor with their heads to the wall.

‘Lock the door,’ they whispered.

Roberta locked the door. Henry moved slightly and invited her with a gesture to lie between Frid and himself.

‘What’s this in aid of?’ asked Roberta.