Eric Morecambe - The Reluctant Vampire

‘Do you think that maybe I should go first?’ the Doctor asked courteously, trying not to offend the bent, broken body in front of him.

‘No,’ came the painfully grunted reply. ‘We’ll rest for a while.’

‘Rest?’ the Doctor questioned. ‘Rest?’ Good Lord, we’ve only walked up five steps.’

‘You may have only walked up five steps but, my long thin friend, I’ve climbed them. We shall rest.’

Igon sat on the sixth step trying to get his breath. The Doctor stood towering over him and watched. After two minutes of gasping and heavy bronchial breathing, Igon slowly took his glass eye out, spat on it and quickly rubbed it with one of the rags he was wearing. He held it in front of him between his thumb and first finger and said, ‘It gets darker as we go higher.’

Eventually, they reached the top of the stairs and on the landing they saw the door leading into the unliving quarters of the Vampire King and Queen, Prince Valentine and Valentine’s brother, Prince Vernon.

Vernon was mean and hateful. He was the least liked in the family. He was also the elder of the two brothers.

The Doctor waited for Igon to knock on the door. As this didn’t happen, he said slowly and with a touch of annoyance:

‘Are you going to knock or have you got a key?’

‘It’s no good knocking. The rooms where they reside are at least another five minutes’ walk along the corridors.’

‘I see,’ the Doctor said with a forced calm. ‘So I presume that you have a key to get us past this massive door?’ He gave Igon a stiff grin.

‘Of course,’ said Igon nervously.

‘Well?’ the Doctor asked.

‘Yes I am, thank you. I’m very well, considering,’ Igon smiled once more to the Doctor.

‘Pardon?’ questioned the Doctor, trying to work out the conversation.

‘What?’ said Igon, not letting his eye look straight at the Doctor’s.

‘What do you mean, what?’ asked the Doctor, who in spite of the cold was beginning to lose his cool.

‘What do you mean, what do you mean? Eh? What?’ Igon was playing for time. The Doctor started to twitch, first his eye, then his bottom lip. He was getting almost to the exasperated stage. Self-control was more difficult to find. His temper was starting to show. You could always tell when his temper was ready to get the better of him. It was then that he started to crack his knuckles. Unfortunately, he was cracking them on Igon’s head.

‘The key. Where’s the key, you curled up lout?’ he whispered viciously.

‘On the table,’ Igon replied in a hurt voice.

‘Which table?’ the Doctor asked with controlled hysteria.

Igon pulled himself up to an almost upright position and with his gnarled hand pointed down the steps, and, with a dignity that any monarch would be proud of, said, ‘On the table, sir. The one in the kitchen.’

The matchstick-thin Doctor suddenly burst into tears; uncontrollable, fast-flowing tears that ran from his eyes like two small rivers in flood and about to burst their banks.

Igon was fascinated. He had never seen two eyes cry before. He had only ever seen one eye cry and that was his own when his mother used to hit him for being ugly, which was every day. Then he would look in the mirror at his one crying eye. He cried because he was so very ugly, not because of the pain inflicted by his mother’s heavy hand.

He would look in that mirror and wonder why he was so very ugly and ask his reflection ‘Why am I so ugly?’ … ‘No one is ever going to love me. No one is ever going to want me as their friend. I’m going to go through life always being lonely. I’m so ugly even I wouldn’t want to be friends with me.’ And he would watch a tear roll down from his eye.

Then, taking his glass eye out of his pocket, he would look at it and wonder why it didn’t cry. After all, it was an eye; his eye. But poor Igon was never told it wasn’t an eye at all. It was only a blue glass marble that had been in a Christmas cracker which he’d stolen and pulled. He pulled it alone as no-one wanted to share a cracker, let alone Christmas, with him and, of course, he was fascinated when the eye (as he thought) dropped out. As far as Igon was concerned, it was Heaven’s work.

By now the half-crazed Doctor had grabbed Igon and was shaking him with a fierceness and strength that reminded Igon of his dear old mum. Poor Igon, no matter what he did, it always seemed to be wrong.

‘No-one likes me,’ he thought, as the good Doctor bashed his head against the iron door and slightly dented it – not the door, his head. ‘The only person speaks kindly to me and likes me at all is Valentine.’

The knocking of Igon’s head on the door was heard in the Vampires’ rooms five minutes’ walk away. A Got servant was sent hurrying to answer the door before it was knocked down.

The servant opened the door to a strange scene. There stood two grown men and the taller one seemed to be using the smaller one as a door knocker. The servant had only started to work at the castle that week and had come to the conclusion that the things that went on around the castle were, to say the least, a little strange.

Only on his second day he saw something that would live with him for ever; maybe even longer. He had seen in the castle grounds a ‘Cowraffe’. He later found out that a Cowraffe was a cow that had been crossed with a giraffe so that you could milk it from a standing position.

The Doctor looked at the servant, and gave him a slightly embarrassed grin. ‘I’m Doctor Plump.’

The servant said, ‘Oh, I know you. You’re the doctor that looked after my old uncle when he was terribly ill.’

‘Oh, did I really? Yes, well … er, how is he now?’ asked the Doctor proudly.

‘Dead.’

‘Dead?’ said the Doctor, a little less proudly.

‘Yes.’

‘How long?’

‘Five foot ten.’

‘I mean how long has he been dead?’ The Doctor was getting to the knuckle-cracking stage again. He went on. ‘What did he die of?’

‘Too much weight.’

‘Over-indulgence?’ the Doctor asked.

‘No, over in Germany,’ came the reply. ‘Won’t you come in?’

‘Thank you,’ the Doctor said, glad to change the subject.

‘I suppose you are expected?’

‘Yes I am,’ the skinny Doctor smiled; well, almost smiled.

‘What about … er … that?’ The servant pointed to Igon.

The Doctor looked down at what he had just used as a door knocker and kicked him hard on the rump. ‘If I had my way I’d feed him to the wolves.’ And with that he walked past the servant.

The servant bent down and looked Igon straight in the eye.

‘Clear off you terrible-looking thing.’

‘I want to come in. I want to see Valentine,’ Igon said.

‘I’m not at all sure that you are allowed in here.’

‘Of course I’m allowed in. Why, I’m almost one of the family,’ the moving bundle of rags said. He then pushed his way past the servant and ran after the fast retreating Doctor.

The three of them ran along the corridors of the castle towards the Vampires’ rooms. They came to a halt outside a door with the letters VIP on it.

‘This is it,’ cried Igon. ‘This is the room. Yes. See VIP. It means Vampire In Pain.’

‘Are you sure?’ asked the Doctor.

‘Of course I’m sure.’ Igon jumped up and down with excitement and the thought that today he would see Valentine who liked him and never called him ugly or kicked him.

The Doctor turned to the servant and asked him if it was the correct room.

‘I don’t really know. I’ve only worked here for a week and I’ve never seen Mr Valentine.’

‘ Prince Valentine,’ Igon corrected.

‘Prince, if you like. But either way I don’t know where he is. But he could be in here because VIP means Very Important Person and Mr … sorry … Prince Valentine is just that.’