Amy Bird - Yours Is Mine

She had tried to browse quietly, but had forgotten she was a stranger. She was therefore exciting and somewhat suspicious. Anna could forgive the owners for thinking she was motivated by greedy and treacherous intent. It was less forgivable for them to make this thought quite so obvious. Anna had felt herself being observed. No doubt with hostile eyes. She flicked her hair over her shoulder defiantly, bent over so that her bottom was roughly level with the counter (might as well give them something to look at) and examined a lower shelf.

“You after something?” said a voice.

Anna thought this was probably directed at her but chose to ignore it. She had every right to be in this shop and conduct herself as she pleased. Footsteps followed.

“What brings you here? What are you after?” came a voice in her ear.

Oh, to answer that question fully! What a surprise they would have got. And Kate never would have been able to walk into this shop again for the shame.

Anna straightened up and regarded the person who had accosted her. It was a he, very grey, very plain, very dull. He was probably espoused to Betty. He looked as though he ate his fair share of the Hobnobs. Indeed, the tell-tale crumbs were still nestling in the fibres of his moth-eaten grunge-coloured sweater. He had probably been attracted by her behind. Betty may well have made him approach her to stop him looking at it or alternatively to stop suspected kleptomania. Anna had always thought people were keen to have new customers. Clearly not Betty and Grey Man.

“Hi, what a lovely shop,” Anna began. Grey Man blushed. God, he actually believed the shop was lovely. “I’m just after some candles, if I may?”

“Candles, hey? Well you won’t find those there, will you, lass,” he had reproached, gesturing to the tinned tomatoes she had been looking at.

She may well do. She’d found rat poison next to canned fruit after all.

“Of course, silly me. Perhaps you could guide me?”

Grey Man blushed even more deeply. It gave an interesting, but not necessarily favourable, splash of colour to his appearance. Maybe if he slopped some of the tinned tomatoes down his front too he could make the hue a lasting addition.

Grey Man’s probable wife appeared behind the counter. He cleared his throat. “Lady here wants some candles, Betty,” he shared.

“Oh, had a power failure have you, pet?” asked Betty. “Renting a cottage I expect? It’s probably

got a meter that you haven’t found. If you tell me the cottage name I can check, if you like.”

For goodness’ sake, just get the candles, you human Hobnob gossip balloon, Anna thought.

“That’s really sweet of you, but don’t trouble yourself - I’d just like candles,” Anna said.

“You’d probably be better off with a torch. I’ll get you a torch,” said Betty.

Get me a torch, and I’ll bash your head in with it.

“I’d really love just the candles,” Anna said.

“You’ll need some matches too, mind.”

Actually, I can breathe fire when I need to, thought Anna. Could burn this place down in one breath – puff!

“That’s so thoughtful of you, thanks,” simpered Anna, wondering how combustible Betty’s sweater would be. The Hobnob crumbs would probably help.

Betty shuffled out to the back and came back armed with some fat church candles

and some matches. Anna smiled sweetly and opened her mouth to ask for floating candles and then shut it again. She would be there for hours if she opened up negotiations again. They would have to have a discussion of what she proposed to use them for. Betty and Grey Man probably wouldn’t understand her bathing habits. Or why she wanted to feel rejuvenated – they were clearly happy being past it.

“That’s perfect, thank you,” she beamed, handing over some cash. “Keep the change.”

Betty looked pleasantly surprised.

You can put it towards the liposuction, Anna thought.

“Buy yourself some Hobnobs!” she said. Boom! More crumbs for the combustible jumper.

“What a nice young girl,” Anna heard Betty say, as she left the shop. Morons.

And so now Anna had the candles. She swirled the water round in the bath with her hand as it gushed out of the taps. She had opted against bubble bath. Kate only had some horribly chemical-looking citrus-fruit mix, which described itself as the perfect reinvigorating start to the day. She could think of much better ones, ideally with male accompaniment. Besides, baths were for relaxing, thinking about life, planning out the future as you reclined back against the bathtub. Not for making yourself turbo-powered so you could run around all day creating stress. Perhaps Kate would be in a more tranquil frame of mind after the experiment was over. Anna laughed. That was not a likely outcome. Kate had plenty to keep her busy in London. Anna had made sure of that.

She shed her clothes and climbed into the bath, turning on the Jacuzzi feature. She used to feel like she was a piece of boiling cabbage when she had these sorts of baths, a few years ago, before she got back in shape. The bubbles would pummel her and the spare flesh on her belly and legs would wobble around in different directions. Not beautiful. Now though she was taut again, like she had been before. Her stomach was pleasingly flat and her thighs were impressively toned. She extended one leg and examined it. Suspender thighs. That’s what a previous boyfriend, she forgot which one, had called them. Perfect for stockings, the inner thighs having that pleasing muscular definition that demarcated them from the rest of the thigh. Most girls – and men – only dreamed of such thighs. She bet Kate didn’t have thighs like this. Or maybe she did once, but she certainly didn’t now. And even if she did, her legs weren’t as long, Anna thought smugly. There was no competition. And there wouldn’t be. Any man would clearly opt for her over Kate. Or live to regret it, and would be sure to correct his choice, given the opportunity. Once reminded.

- Kate-

Kate was in high spirits as she headed to the acting class at the end of the week. She had spent a happy morning at the V&A Museum wandering round their collection of fashion through the ages, and had managed to get a slot for the popular current exhibition of famous diamonds. She loved the high vaulted ceilings, the ornamental floor tiles, and the care with which the exhibitions were put together – even the ladies’ toilets were a triumph of design. Plus the small sparkling rocks delighted her, her awe of their multi-faceted brilliance against the plush black velvet that housed them reminding her of the beauty that was available to man.

Sitting on the tube afterwards on the way to the college, idly munching through a crêpe she had picked up in South Kensington on her way to the station, she was experiencing one of those rare moments of pure happiness and relaxation that had been so infrequent of late. Congratulating herself on her decision to take up Anna’s proposition, and open to what other opportunities the world had to offer her, she allowed her gaze to meander over the banner adverts above the row of seats opposite her. One particular advert caught her attention.

“Who do you think you are? Who are you really? Who do you want to be?” it enquired, in spiky pink capitals.

“Join us to explore your identity in friendly surroundings – not dry philosophy but real practical tips for living your daily life to get the most out of being you!” There was a website address and a phone number at the bottom of the ad, but little else.

Kate giggled to herself. In her current position, it would be fun, would it not, to go along to something like that and kid a lot of probably very earnest and deep-minded people into a sham exploration of self? She could just imagine them, all sitting in a circle, trying to improve their minds and lives by futile navel-gazing. It was probably some kind of cult, or religious gathering – she wouldn’t be surprised if anyone joining was told the only way to find her true self was through some god or other. It really did seem like too funny an opportunity to miss. Grinning, she wrote down the short website address (she assumed ‘HGS’ must be a three-letter acronym, but for what she did not know – the something or other Society perhaps) and vowed to explore it after class that day.