Haven Kimmel - Something Rising

Laura cleared her throat, said, “I know you’re the only one who remembers, Cassie, besides me, and that’s what’s wrong with you.”

Cassie put her milk glass down slowly and rested the sandwich on top of the glass and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Belle’s pencil stopped for a moment, then continued.

“He was so sweet,” Laura said, “he was the sweetest, funniest man. I was engaged to someone else, you know, at home, before I came here.”

Cassie didn’t move, but of course she knew, she’d known for years.

“He had money. He had old family money, which doesn’t mean anything here, there’s no such thing. And I had my whole life planned out, how things would be after I’d married him, what our children would be named and where I’d sit in church and what my relationship to his mother would be, his brothers. And all that money, like Christmas every day. I even knew which chair on the veranda would be mine during the carnival season. I didn’t know, I was nineteen years old, I didn’t know that the heart can make grave mistakes and that who you end up married to is largely a matter of accident and then you’re stuck with it forever, and I know there are people who are not stuck forever and I envy them. They have something, there’s a switch in them or a special gene, I don’t understand it. But from the very beginning with your father, I felt that every decision we made, every move we made, was wrapped in a kind of holy light, no doubt because I had been driven mad by Catholic school and I felt guilty for the things I’d done with him which are not the issue and I’m not going to mention them. Two weeks, that was how long we had together. And then he left New Orleans in a stolen truck with a pool table in the back. And I. Cassie. If you ever engage in something you perceive or misperceive as holy, you will not let it go and you will not defile it. And so I packed one suitcase and jumped on a bus and followed him here, it took twenty-six hours, and all that time I was feverish with fear and it seemed such a long time but in fact was nothing. Because time is relative, isn’t it, Belle, and now I’ve been sick with following him for thirteen years and that bus trip passed in the blink of an eye.”

Cassie turned her head and looked at she, the tight posture Belle had developed from sitting so long at the table with a pencil in her hand, her head tilted to the right. Belle glanced up, and the look she gave her sister was complicated, it seemed part cold anger and part fish on a hook. If someone else were here, Poppy or Edwin, Laura would stop. But Cassie couldn’t make her stop.

“And when I got here, you know. But what I want to tell you is something I’ve been remembering all day today, it was something that happened after all the drama—well, all the initial drama— had cleared up, and Jimmy and I went to the justice of the peace and got married, I cried all through the ceremony, I didn’t even know why I was crying.” Laura stared at the yard as if the answer were there somehow, a scene she’d missed in an old tale. “I bet a lot of women would say the same, if they were honest. We were married at the courthouse in Hopwood by a little man who looked just like Elvis would have if he’d lived to be eighty, and if he’d somehow gotten shrunk by a ray gun. And this little judge or clerk or whatever he was couldn’t read our names, he called us Larry and Sally. And when he said Do you Larry, your dad said so officiously, / Do , and I was laughing and crying at the same time, and we were married under those names. We might not be legally married for all I know. And we went to a motel at the edge of Hopwood and spent one night there and I know the whole idea of your parents’ wedding night must be psychologically shocking, but in truth we spent the whole night laughing, Jimmy detailing his many exploits to me, remember we didn’t know each other. And then the next morning he said he had to go take care of a few things and he left me there, and I slept awhile, and then walked around the parking lot, and watched the cars on the highway, and the whole day passed. There wasn’t a telephone in the room and I didn’t know where to call anyway, and that’s when it started, I was sitting on the curb in the parking lot and I started saying to myself, I married him, I married him, I married him, and I knew I couldn’t call my mother because she’d said I was dead to her . I’d left her to clean up the mess of my broken engagement, and remember she still had to work for his family, and all of her hopes for the future had been tied up in my marrying him. And Jimmy didn’t come back all that day or that night, and then I got really scared, because I didn’t know if he’d paid for the room or if I was going to get kicked out and I didn’t have any money, not a dime, and I was from the South and the people in the Midwest are so cold, they’re so judgmental and superior, they act as if we aren’t all human making human mistakes, but in fact they are human and you are something lower in the hierarchy and you disgust them. I’m exaggerating but if you knew how people in Louisiana would react to an abandoned pregnant bride as opposed to how people in Indiana would you’d see I’m not far off the mark. I walked around in a daze saying I married him, I married him, and I had no money and no food. I finally took the change Jimmy left on the dresser, and got something out of a vending machine. But the more important thing is that I didn’t call my mother or Buena Vista because it was already too late, no one could help me, I had crossed over. All I could do was wait for him and hope he would return and save me, because no one could do it but him. There’s probably a name for this illness, I don’t know, I had entered some other atmosphere. I married him. And he showed up the next day and of course I cried and hit him and screamed and threw things, and then he gathered me up and we came here to Poppy’s house, and Belle was born and I knew he was still seeing Barbara, everyone knew it and he didn’t really try to hide it, and then you were born, Cassie, and he was still seeing her, and there was a single time I might have left him but it passed. Everything before that time and everything after it was the same and it is still the same, I want you to understand this, because later you’re going to look back I’m afraid and think I had no pride or I was filled with selfhatred, that’s probably all true but it isn’t the whole story.”

Laura lit another cigarette and blew the smoke out through her nose, and Cassie looked down at the blue chalk on her fingertips. She scrubbed her hands against her jeans, but it was embedded in her nails and even in the whorls of her fingerprints and wouldn’t come off.

“I stayed and I stay, Cassie, because of that holy light. To this very day I pass the grocery store where he and I went for a cold root beer the day I first got here, the day I got off the bus, and even though he told me he was engaged to someone else, I look at that grocery store and see the holy light. The courthouse in Hopwood is holy, the little wizened Elvis clerk is one of the saints. And after you girls were born, you can’t imagine how that increased. Everything you wore, every piece of furniture you touched, it’s all sacred, this house and yard where you took your first steps, even—I swear this is true—the faucets in the bathtub, because I turned them on and off so many times giving you baths, and he gave you baths, those are our faucets and they’re filled with holy light. Do you see what I’m saying, I could leave him, I could leave this house and try to find a way to start again but there is no place to go because I took my vows and what is done can’t be undone. I can’t very well take you away from Poppy, he has nothing else left, and so I’d have to stay in Roseville and Roseville is sacred because my marriage and my children are sacred, and so I’d be living in the shadow of my own life and every day seeing the light in the grocery store and in a park bench where I sat with him once and in the gas station where we stopped to get gas on a family trip to Clifty Falls when you were babies; it’s tender, this feeling I’m talking about, it’s a feeling you can’t put any pressure on because it hurts too much. If I could go back to the time I had the strength to leave I would, I’d do it and accept the consequences, but I can’t go back.”