Timothy Lea - Confessions of a Film Extra

‘Yes,’ I say, ‘very sophisticated.’

‘Don’t knock it. That’s what the audience wants. They don’t listen to the words.’

‘Did you say we were going to do another take of this scene?’ says Crispin petulantly. ‘I’m not wed to my craft, you know.’

‘Crispin is what they call an old pro,’ explains Justin. ‘He came to us from Children’s Hour via the West London Magistrates Court.’

I watch them do the scene again and it occurs to me how blasé everyone is. There is lovely Sandra revealing her all and most of the blokes on the set are playing cards or kipping. Even Sandra herself calmly chucks aside her copy of The Lady before getting on with it. I suppose the glamour must wear off after a while. Luckily the blood is still running dangerously hot through my veins and when Justin announces that shooting is over for the day I am swift to offer Big S. her robe.

‘Ta, love,’ she says. ‘Did you say you were a window cleaner?’

‘I used to be.’

‘That’s a pity. I hoped I could press you into service. I can’t get anyone to come near me.’

‘You amaze me,’ I husk. ‘Tell you what: I’m not doing very much at the moment. Why don’t I give your windows a quick once over?’

All the time I am talking to her I cannot take my eyes off her knockers and she pulls her robe across her chest protectively.

‘You’re sure it’s no trouble?’

‘None at all.’

‘All right. I won’t be long.’

When Sandra comes out of the dressing room she leads the way to the car park and steers me towards a bubble car, the shape of which is a perfect match for her own best feature.

‘It’s very economical for hopping about in,’ she says. ‘As long as you don’t mind a bit of a crush.’ She reaches across to shut the door and for a second I feel as if I’m bringing in the melon harvest. ‘Snug, isn’t it?’

‘Very. Tell me, how many films have you made?’ I say, demonstrating that gift for conversation that has made me the darling of my Mum’s Tupperware parties.

‘I’ve no idea. About twenty, I think.’

‘I don’t even know your full name.’

‘At the moment it’s Sandra Virgin. I’ve had about six. Paula Rental, Dreft Sunsilk –’

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