Timothy Lea - Confessions of a Private Soldier

‘I can’t.’

Fortunately my desire for Sid’s presence diminishes strongly when the bird who showed signs of being able to resist me gets up and starts making as if she is about to leave.

‘Right. Piss off then,’ I tell Sid.

‘Aren’t you coming?’

‘I think I’ll stick around for a few minutes.’

‘Don’t you want to see Rosie?’

‘Very much, Sid. But she is my sister. Use a bit of common. I haven’t exactly been fêted with crumpet over the last three months. Just to see a bird is a new sensation.’

Sid shakes his head. ‘I’d have thought that gang bang at the nick would have done you for three years. I don’t know. In front of your own Mum and Dad, too.’

‘It wasn’t my fault, Sid. I was stoned, wasn’t I? We all were. It could have happened to anyone.’

‘Yeah. But when that bird climbed on the table–’

‘I’ve told you before, Sid. I don’t remember anything about it.’

My bird has got up now and looks as if she is about to follow her mate out of the pub. She gives me a real ‘come and get it’ look and goes into the ladies.

‘That bloke is smiling at you again,’ I lie.

‘Right, I’m off,’ says Sid, hurriedly. ‘You’re not coming, then?’

‘No, I’ll find my own way back. Give Dad a heart attack by telling him I’ve gone down the Labour.’

Sid pushes off and I take a quick butcher’s at myself in the mirror above the bar. My hair is a bit on the short side and I certainly have lost a lot of weight. Lean and hungry – very hungry. What am I going to say to the bird? A lot depends on whether I can catch her eye when she comes out of the khasi. If we have got a nice little smile going, then it doesn’t matter what I say. Hang on, here she comes.

The little darling slips out of the toilet and, without taking my eyes off her, I coolly raise the water jug to my lips and take a sip from it. I realise my mistake when the spout collides with my cakehole. Typical, isn’t it? Bleeding Cary Grant never has my luck. The bird does a double take and before I can get back on track some other geezer wanders over and starts chatting her up. Together they walk to the door and in the space of a few cruel seconds my plans seem doomed to failure. I am so distressed that I take a giant swig from the water jug when meaning to knock back my beer.

‘It tastes stronger than the piss you serve,’ I say to the barman who is giving me an old-fashioned look, and move swiftly out of the boozer. All is not lost because my bird has separated from the bloke she was with and is walking towards a sports car. An MGB, no less. Can’t be bad, can it? Only the best is good enough for Lea. Now what am I going to say to her? For a moment I cannot think of anything and then a giant wave of inspiration drenches me.

‘Excuse me,’ I say, belting to her side as her hand collides with the door handle. ‘I wonder if you could help me?’

She gazes into my face and I am conscious that she must have been away on holiday or under a sunray lamp. There are little flecks of white at the corner of her eyes.

‘What do you want?’

‘My mate has just gone off without his keys. I meant to give them back to him and I forgot. Do you think you could catch him up? He’s only been gone a couple of minutes.’

‘Won’t he come back when he finds he hasn’t got them?’

‘He’s going to Brighton, you see.’

‘Oh, dear. Well, you’d better get in, hadn’t you?’ She slips inside the car and stretches across to open the door and – by the cringe! I darn near cream my jeans. The mixture of tit and exposed thigh is powerful stuff to a man in my position.

‘Which way would he have gone?’

‘Across the common, I reckon.’ The MGB rips away, leaving behind a small smear of tyre rubber and I am thrown back into my bucket seat.

‘Do you live around here?’ asks my companion.

‘All my life!’ I say, trying to sound proud rather than defensive.

‘We’ve only just moved in. We used to have a flat in Surbiton but it was a bit far out. Do I turn right here?’

‘Left,’ I say. I am feeling a bit short on words because we have pulled up at some traffic lights and Sidney is in the car beside us.

‘Tell me when you see any sign of him,’ says my unsuspecting friend.

‘I will.’ I lean across behind her and give Sid a friendly wave. He does not say anything but just watches, open-mouthed, as our car roars away. It is a very satisfying moment and one that I know I am going to cherish in the long winter nights to come.

‘Do you think we’ve come the right way?’

‘I think we may have lost him,’ I say, trying to sound really broken up about it.

‘Do you want me to take you back to The Highwayman in case he’s gone back there?’

‘Er–yes.’ I should sound more enthusiastic but I am not eager to say goodbye to the lady so soon. ‘Sure it’s not taking you out of your way too much?’

‘Oh, no. If he’s not there you can come back to the flat and phone Brighton.’

‘Brighton?’

‘You said that was where he was going. Have you got the number?’

‘Oh, yes.’ I pull myself together. If it means getting into the bird’s flat, of course I have the number.

‘I suppose I can trust you, can I?’

Whenever a bird says that you can reckon that you are in like Flynn. What she is really saying is: ‘Please make it perfectly clear that I can’t trust you so that I know I’m not wasting my time with some goody-goody creep.’

‘Worried about the ash-trays, are you?’ I say, giving her the chance to spell it out.

‘Not only that. You read some very disconcerting things in the papers. A girl isn’t safe these days.’

Not if she wears no bra and a nylon blouse through which you could read the small print on a hire purchase agreement. Talk about man-made fibres, more like man-mad, if you ask me. And her perfume doesn’t exactly act as a repellent either.

‘You’re safe with me,’ I leer, delivering the famous Lea slow burn with a couple of ounces of nostril quiver chucked in at no extra charge.

‘What’s your name?’

‘Timothy Lea. What’s yours?’

‘Elspeth Jones. But my friends call me Elly.’

‘Very unusual name, Elspeth.’

‘I hate it. My mother got it out of a romantic novel she was reading when I was born.’

‘My Mum was like that with Timothy. She reckoned it was very genteel – I used to get the mickey taken out of me something dreadful at school.’

‘Children can be very unkind, can’t they?’ says Mrs Jones, sympathetically. All the omens bode well for a nooky fest, the more so when The Highwayman hoves in sight without Sidney’s ugly mug decorating the front of it There is no reason why he should be there but with Sidney you never know. He can turn up with all the unwelcome inevitability of brewer’s droop on your wedding night.

‘His car isn’t here,’ I say, trying to sound disappointed. ‘Oh, dear.’

‘What a shame.’ Mrs Jones is a good actress too. ‘Well, you can use my phone if you want to.’

‘If you’re sure it’s not too much trouble.’ We look into each other’s eyes for a couple of naughty moments and I can feel Percy stirring like a hibernating rock python that has just felt the first shaft of spring sunshine fall across its resting place after a long hard winter. Putting it another way, I reckon I am going to be up her faster than a rat up a drain pipe.

‘It’s not far.’ Mrs Jones puts her foot down and the edges of my seat nearly touch in front of me. I wonder if she always drives like this. Probably suffering from an attack of Lea-lust. Who can blame her? My confinement in the clink must have ushered in a period of strain for quite a few birds.