Timothy Lea - Confessions of a Pop Star

I am feeling dead knackered and the prospect of a bit of kip is very welcome. It has been a day rich in experience if not in achievement and I will have much to think about before the sand man dusts my mince pies with – knickers! For some reason the light in the room Sid directed me to is not working. Not to worry, I will do something about it in the morning.

I feel my way to the bed and start to strip off. I will have to sleep in the buff but that is no hardship. A bit chilly to start off with but – that’s funny. It seems quite warm as I slide a leg inside. Warm as the hand that grabs my action man kit.

‘Mr Noggett. You naughty man!’ The voice is full of East European promise and is not unknown to me.

‘I’m sorry,’ I squeak – and I mean squeak. ‘It’s not Mr Noggett. It’s me. I thought this was my room.’

‘Is my room. Everything in it is mine.’ Something about the way she says that makes me fear the worst – that and the way her mitt is still anchored to my hampton like it is a try your strength machine.

‘I’ll go.’

‘No! You come here for hanky wanky. You no need to be ashamed. It is always the same at the time of the potato harvest in my homeland.’ So that is where she gets her grip from. ‘The young men drink the Spudovitch and make merry with the maidens in the cow byres.’

‘Fascinating,’ I murmur. ‘I’ve often been tempted by those Winter Break holidays.’

‘Introduce me to your friend.’ Gretchen’s tone suggests that the time for cocktail party banter has passed.

‘I must go.’

‘No! My body will not be denied. Enter me!’

I would enter her for the Smithfield Show tomorrow but that is about all. Unfortunately she must have been taught unarmed combat at her mother’s knee and my left arm is forced up my back towards the nape of my neck before you can say Siberia.

‘Make frisky with me.’

If only I could remember what she looked like with the light on.

‘Maybe you like to make love with light on?’

‘No!’ Now it is my turn to bash the negatives. The sight of that face at a moment like this could put the kibosh on my sex life for keeps.

‘You like big titties?’ Gretchen pulls my face down onto her barrage balloon bosom and at that moment a flicker of lust passes through my action man kit. Never one of the smartest JTs in the business, my spam ram responds with animal urgency to the presence of sheer brute size.

‘Is good, no?’

The obvious answer to that question is no. However, an even more obvious answer has presented itself to me. The only way to get rid of the iron maiden is going to be to give in to her. Moving my head slightly so that I will be able to perform the vital movements whilst still alive, I hum ‘Rule Britannia’ under my breath and give brave, foolhardy percy his head. It may not be the end to a perfect day but at least it is the end.

In which an attempt is made to turn nephew, Jason Noggett, into a six-year-old Mick Jagger and Timmy shares a few idyllic moments with lonely Mrs Blenkinsop.

‘I’d forgotten she was in the spare room,’ says Sid.

‘Forgotten! Blooming heck! She could have killed me. When she fell asleep on top of me it took me ten minutes to crawl out.’

Sid waves my complaints away and continues to clean his earhole with a teaspoon.

‘Don’t worry about it. It’s all part of life’s rich tapioca, water that’s been passed under the bridge. Clear your mind and start thinking about Noggo Enterprises.’

‘Noggo Enterprises? What’s that?’

‘That’s us, Timmo. The company that’s going to promote all this talent under the Bella label.’

I politely refuse Gretchen’s offer of a second helping of porridge and put down my knife and fork – well, it is that lumpy you have to eat it with a knife and fork. At first I thought she had dropped a few spuds in it.

‘Why “Bella”?’ I say.

‘It’s an anadin of label,’ says Sid proudly.

‘I don’t see what that’s got to do with it. “Raft” is an anagram of “Fart” but I wouldn’t use it as a name for an air freshener.’

As usual, Sid is slow to admit that I have a point. ‘In the world of entertainment, presentation is half the battle. You’ve got to be slick and with it.’ Sid scrapes egg off the front of his shirt and licks the knife.

‘OK, Sid. You’re the boss. Where do we start?’

‘Right here in this house. You must have noticed that young Jason is not with us?’

‘He hasn’t run away from home?’ I try hard to keep a note of delirious gaiety out of my voice but it is not easy.

‘Do you know how old he is?’

I pretend to give the question a lot of thought. ‘Let me see. You and Rosie have been married for nearly six years, so he must be about six and a half.’

Sidney’s face darkens beneath the stubble. ‘Watch it, Timmo. Just because he was a bit premature, there’s no need to go jumping to conclusions.’

‘Premature? He was so early he was practically singing at the bleeding wedding.’

‘I won’t tell you again, Timothy. The child is a mature six and very advanced for his age, considering everything. I believe he can open up a whole new child market for us. I’ve sent him upstairs to get his clobber on.’

‘Surely he’s too young, Sid?’

‘Not these days he isn’t. The kids are the ones buying most of the records and the real mini-groovers don’t have anyone to identify with. If we can launch Jason we make our own market.’

When Sid talks like that I find it difficult to understand why everything we touch loses money. It seems such a good idea, doesn’t it?

‘Here I am, Dad.’

Blimey! The little basket looks like an explosion in a sequin factory. Faced with that kind of competition, Gary Glitter might as well get a job as a bank clerk.

‘Can he play that thing?’ I am referring to the kidney-shaped guitar with more sharp corners than a lorry-load of hair pins.

‘He can strum it a bit. The backing group will supply all the noise.’

‘Jason and the Golden Fleas,’ I say wittily.

‘Uncle Timmy, stupid,’ says the only kid in south London to be given a new set of nappies for his fourth birthday.

‘Sing him our song,’ encourages Sid.

I compose my features to receive the worst and, as usual, get it:

‘Stomp on your momma,

Stomp on your pa,

Stomp on everybody

With a yah, yah!’

‘It sounds better with his guitar plugged in,’ says Sid. My first instinct is to say that I would prefer it with the little bleeder’s finger jammed up a light socket but I control myself. Criticism is always better received if it is constructive.