Richard Kadrey: Killing Pretty

“You don’t mind us using your place for an office?”

“It’s fine with me, but when I turn the place into Christmas all year-round, you’ll have to pay for your mittens just like anybody else.”

“Always a new business plan. Talk to you later.”

“Adios.”

I take my coffee and head over to where Julie is sitting. There are papers scattered on the table. Photocopies of newspaper articles and printouts of what look like police reports and hospital records. How the hell did she get those? She used to be a U.S. marshal and it looks like she’s still got some of those connections.

She smiles and moves some of the papers out of my way so I can set down my cup.

“Afternoon,” she says. “How are you today?”

“I just went three rounds with an angel Ebenezer Scrooge. Do you know any cheap ways to get spray paint off glass?”

“Turpentine? Acetone?”

“No. Those cost money.”

She glances at the coffee in front of me like she’s wondering how much of it is whiskey.

“I thought you could do magic,” she says. “Can’t you just wave a wand and make it disappear?”

“First off, only hillbillies and Harry Potter use wands anymore. Second, I mostly know Hellion magic. Melting faces and killing things. If I try hoodoo at home I’m afraid I’ll just blow out the windows.”

“You really can’t afford paint remover?”

I sip my coffee.

“We have a little money, just not enough to blow on luxuries like cleaning products and food.”

“You know, you could have asked me for an advance on your salary.”

­“People do that?”

“Normal ­people, all the time. I’ll write you a check right now. Will five hundred dollars do?”

“It would do great, but you know I’m legally dead, right? I don’t have a bank account, a passport, or a library card.”

Julie puts down her pen. I can tell she’s rethinking the wisdom of offering me a job.

“Fine, man of mystery. I’ll bring you some cash tomorrow.”

“Appreciate it. I was one day from hanging around with one of those signs. You know, ‘Will Save the World for Food.’ ”

“Panhandling is illegal. I saved you from a life of crime.”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t want to get a bad reputation or anything.”

Here I am again, scrambling for pocket change. Getting screwed out of half a million dollars by the Golden Vigil has left me a little touchy about money. I’m lucky Julie offered me a job. I owe her a lot, more than Candy—­Chihiro—­and I can ever repay.

“So, how’s our guest?” says Julie.

“Our guest? You mean the bum in my storage room? He’s still asleep.”

She frowns.

“Is that good? Maybe we should take him to a doctor.”

“And tell him what when he sees the guy’s heart is gone, but he’s still alive?”

“Touché. So what do you think we should do?”

“I had Allegra and Vidocq patch him up, but he is Death. Give him a ­couple of more days. If he doesn’t come around, we’ll figure out a plan B.”

“I thought Death would be better at, well . . .”

She shrugs. I pick up my coffee.

“Being dead? Look, we don’t even know if he is who he says he is. He could be a lunatic angel gone off his meds, or some mad scientist’s Christmas present gone wrong. The real point is, I don’t like him and I want him out of my place as soon as possible.”

Julie ignores the remark and picks through some of the printouts on the table.

“You’re the magic man, so you’re in charge of him for the time being. But there’s something I wanted to show you.”

She pushes some of the papers across the desk to me. I pick them up.

“What is all this?”

“Articles. Police and accident reports. Patient records from the last week.”

“Okay. Why do I care?”

“Because they all say the same thing: no one has died since right after Christmas. There are the same number of ­people with terminal illnesses, gunshot wounds, car accidents as always, and most of them should have died. But they haven’t.”

“Then what’s happening with them?”

“They’re in deep comas, with their vitals hovering just above death. Hospitals are full of them. Thousands. All over the world. No one is dying anywhere.”

“And you think this proves that the hobo I’m babysitting is Death.”

“You have another explanation?”

“Yeah. God is doing construction jobs in Heaven and Hell. Maybe He doesn’t want a busload of new kids getting in the way.”

“Then you think it’s a coincidence that at exactly the same time an injured man calling himself Death came to us—­”

“Came to me.”

“Came to you, that ­people around the world stopped dying?”

I gulp my coffee, thinking. Trying to poke holes in her argument.

“I admit, the timing seems a little weird.”

“You’ve dealt with God and the Devil. Why is it so hard to admit that when Death has a problem he might come to you?”

I look back at the bar, wishing I’d taken that drink Carlos offered.

“Because I thought I was done with that stuff. The Angra Om Ya are gone. Mason Faim is gone. The Room of Thirteen Doors is gone. I hoped that part of my life might be over for a while and I could just be a boring PI. Hunt down insurance fraud and lost cats.”

Julie leans forward, her elbows on the table.

“And we’ll do those things, but we’re going to solve Death’s murder first.”

“You’re not getting it.”

“What am I not getting?”

I push the papers back across the table.

“This thing you want to get into, you’re screwing around with bad angelic hoodoo. And if this guy really is Death, whoever dragged him into a human body and cut his fucking heart out is into some of the heaviest, darkest baleful magic I’ve ever seen.”

Julie brightens, like a kid just remembering it’s her birthday.

“And that’s why it’s perfect for us. Look, it can take years for an investigations firm to build the kind of reputation it takes to bring in the big jobs. We might bypass all that with a single case.”

“Years? I should have stayed in the arena.”

“I guarantee if we solve this case, the kind of clients we’ll have, there’ll be plenty of money for you and Max Overdrive.”

I try to come up with an argument, but I can’t because she’s right. This is exactly the kind of case that would get the attention of every Sub Rosa, wealthy Lurker, and Beverly Hills magic groupie in California. Besides, Julie is ready to hand me money right now.

And there’s the other debt . . .

“All right. I’m in. Let’s do your Mike Hammer thing.”

She raises a bottle of light beer I missed behind all the papers. I click it with my coffee cup. There’s just one more question.

“So, we’re partners?”

She shakes her head.

“No way. I’m taking all the financial risks. It’s my company. You’re an employee.”

“But I get stock options and you’ll match my 401(k).”

“Tell yourself whatever story you need to get yourself out of bed, but as of now, you’re on the clock. Which means sticking to coffee during daylight hours.”

“You know how to suck all the fun out of being sober.”

“That’s a boss’s job.”

My coffee is getting cold, but I sip it anyway. It tastes lousy. I mean, it doesn’t taste any different than it did a minute ago, but knowing it’s my only drink of choice all day, every day . . . Let’s just say that the romance is over.

“I thought Chihiro would be here with you,” says Julie.

I turn and scan the room for familiar faces, but don’t find any.

“She’s out getting some new clothes and things. Since she got her new face, she’s been doing this bleach-­blond kogal look. You know, Japanese schoolgirl drag. She was having fun, but I went through the plaid-­skirt thing back with my old magic circle. A woman named Cherry Moon. She wanted to look like a junior high princess forever. After that, I don’t want anything to do with that Lolita stuff. So, she said she’d figure out something else.”