Stephanie Doyle - Scout's Honor

“There,” she huffed out, lying on top of him. “It’s done.”

Done? Nothing was done. He was still hard, and she clearly was nowhere close to having an orgasm.

“What’s done?” he grated out.

“I’m not a virgin anymore. You can finish now. I’m sure it will be better next time.”

A virgin.

Of course. And with that sentence she wiggled on top of him and it was enough to make him come furiously inside her. Without one real stroke.

Without a doubt the worst sex of his life. All he’d done was hurt her.

CHAPTER FIVE

“SCOUT, HOLD UP,” Jayson called to her as he pulled up to the house.

She was done listening to him. She had had the passenger door open as soon as the car had come to a stop and now she was practically running up the driveway.

“Scout, you’re going to have to talk to me eventually! Stop behaving like a child and turn around.”

That got her to stop and offer him a succinct nonverbal response.

“Yeah, that’s mature,” he sneered.

“I’m done fighting,” she said. “Go home and give me some space.”

“Fine, you take your space but I’m not going anywhere. Okay? Tell me you know that.”

She shook her head. He’d pulled over the car to yell at her for not taking a chance on him and now he wanted her to know he wasn’t going anywhere. As if to say that if she did need him he would be here for her.

Because he still cared.

I loved you...

She couldn’t say how much the past tense of that phrase destroyed her. All she wanted to do was run home, lock herself in her room, put the covers over her head and stay there. Forever.

She’d been wrong to think she was strong enough to reenter the world. Wrong to think she could spend the day with Jayson without getting her heart split open.

“Tell me, Scout. So I know you believe it.”

She looked at him then, really looked at him, and saw how earnest he was. It was one of his most endearing qualities.

“You’re not going anywhere,” she repeated.

He nodded and she could tell he wanted to say more but it was as if he’d decided he’d said enough for a day.

“I’ll see you around.”

“I guess,” Scout conceded. Recognizing that this was her life now. There was no Duff, but there was Jayson potentially around every corner.

Her room, her bed, her blanket beckoned.

She turned away from him and walked inside only to find her mother at the kitchen counter chopping carrots and Bob sitting at the table, seemingly content to spend time with his wife while she cooked. They were smiling as if their conversation had been amusing to both of them. It reminded Scout how much her mother and Bob actually liked each other. Beyond the love, they were best friends.

A real, loving relationship. A shame it had to come at the expense of Duff.

An unforgivable sin in Scout’s eyes. It didn’t seem right that Scout should have to suffer this on top of everything else. Losing Duff, having to deal with Jayson, living with her traitorous mother. None of it was fair.

“I want you two to leave.” Scout looked at both of them to show them she meant it.

Alice and Bob exchanged a glance, communicating silently, once again showing how in sync they were.

“We’ve talked about this, Scout,” Alice said carefully. “I’m not leaving until I think you’re ready.”

“Can’t you for five seconds think that maybe your being here is making it worse? I mean, what am I supposed to do, just watch you and Bob living happily right in front of me? You want to show me up close how Duff was a horrible husband and Bob is the shit? Maybe I’ll start to see things your way. Is that what you were thinking? That Bob and I will be buds and I’ll forget Duff ever lived?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. What happened this afternoon? Did Jayson do something to upset you?”

“Yes! It seems he won’t leave me alone, either. For my own good, of course.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alice asked, putting down the knife and wiping her hands with a dishtowel.

“With you? No! Haven’t you been listening? All I want is for you to leave me alone.”

“That’s not going to happen. Some day you’ll be a mother and you’ll understand.”

“No, I won’t. Because I am never doing this love thing again. So I will never be a mother. You can bank on that.”

And then it hit her. She was never going to have Jayson’s baby. They were never going to teach their kids how to play baseball. Because she was never going to take that risk.

Feeling the tears coming, Scout abandoned her quest to get her mother to leave and instead headed for the safety of her bedroom. As soon as the door closed behind her, she sank to the floor and let the tears come. Tears for Duff, tears for Jayson, tears for the kids she was never going to have because the pain of loving people was just too much.

“Elizabeth?”

“Go away,” Scout said to her mother, who had followed her up to her room. There was no way in hell she was getting inside, though. Back when Scout lived with her mother after the divorce this was their most common method of communication. With a door in between them.

“Honey, I know you’re hurting. I know you think the world is against you right now. But I know how smart you are. So I know you’re going to eventually realize there is a reason Samantha and I aren’t leaving you. There is a reason Jayson wants you to know he’s here for you, too.”

To hurt me. That’s all they wanted to do. But she was safe in her room now and no one could hurt her as long as she didn’t leave.

“Go away.”

“I will for now. For now. We’re having pea soup for dinner. I know it’s your favorite. I’ll let you know when it’s ready.”

Then there was silence and Scout knew Alice had left. Finally, thankfully, she was alone. Which was all she wanted. Why didn’t they understand that?

Instead no one was leaving and she and Jayson were rehashing old news at a gas station. Why did Jayson have to do that? Why did he have to bring all the pain and misery back? He’d left her. Not the other way around. It wasn’t right of him to blame her.

Was it?

She’d heard the pain in his voice when he’d said that she hadn’t been willing to take a chance on them. She knew him well enough to know that what he’d really meant was that she wasn’t willing to take a chance on him .

Jayson’s father had left him and his mother when Jayson was nine, and it had left its mark, like any father leaving would. It made Jayson feel as if he wasn’t good enough for or worthy of his father’s love. It’s what drove him to succeed in baseball. It’s what pushed him all the way through the minors until he was finally called up to The Show.

He never said it, and she never asked, but Scout always believed that his drive to get to the majors had everything to do with hoping his father might see him there. Might see his kid on TV and regret leaving him.

She wondered if that was what still drove him now.

All she knew was that back when they were together, Scout had wanted to show him he was the worthiest of all men.

There were times she’d wondered if that was why he’d asked her to leave in the first place. Had he wanted to put that choice in front of her so that she would choose him? Show him he was good enough. To prove that everything she had told him was true.

Thinking back on it, they had never once talked about trying a long-distance relationship. They could have made an effort. Long calls, long visits. It wasn’t as if a baseball manager wasn’t on the road a lot during the season anyway. They could have eased into the idea of her moving in with him.