Samantha Tonge - From Paris, With Love

A wave of nausea hit the back of my throat as I remembered my fight with Joe. Me? Action-woman Agent G? I was more Angelina Jokey than Jolie.

Pretending to be an aristocrat for a couple of weeks was one thing, but possibly coming face to face with an assassin? Missing clues that could possibly save the monarchy? No. It’d be best to quit this ridiculous mission before I let Queen and country down.

Chapter 5

“Men who eat raw fish make the best lovers” said Auntie Jan, whose latest boyfriend regularly devoured sushi. My brothers and I didn’t like to think too deeply about the implications of that comment, but as I watched Joe tuck into seaweed-wrapped tuna, I couldn’t help wondering what he was like between the sheets.

The secret agent and I sat opposite each other, in the bright bunker room. Okay, I admit it – after fighting him yesterday I’d lost my nerve for a moment, but I soon recovered my mojo. I gave the role-play a go with John and – *shudder* – even though his big hands ended up in all sorts of places, I successfully wriggled away. Punching him in the crotch proved to be a particularly satisfying tactic.

Edward must have wondered what was wrong last night – I’d had a long bath and then sat quietly in the lounge. I caught him looking at me, eyebrows knotted together, so in the end I forced myself to cheer up and asked him all about his day, involving a trip to the famous cemetery, Père Lachaise. In fact, it sounded quite interesting, what with seventy thousand plots and over five thousand trees. Edward visited the graves of Proust, Colette, Chopin and Oscar Wilde. His face had beamed as he described – in his words – “exquisite tombs with intricate carvings, sculptures and affectionate epitaphs”. It had helped me shake myself back to normality and gain some perspective on my day’s training.

I mean, Joe was a decent bloke who’d do his best to keep me out of danger. In any event, I was only going to check out internet rumours which would probably amount to nothing.

Joe caught my eye, across the table, and shook his head. I grinned and tucked into the takeaway McDonalds he’d smuggled in for me.

‘I thought you James Bond types smoked and drank most of the time,’ I said, after a yummy mouthful of burger.

Joe wiped his mouth with a napkin. ‘MI6 has moved with the times, just like the sports world where former legends used to hell-raise and knock back pints. Nowadays we follow strict exercise and diet regimes, just like modern athletes. Think more Roger Federer than Roger Moore.’

‘That’s not very sexy,’ I said, thinking of Sean Connery’s come-to-bed eyes as he sipped cocktails in all those Bond films I’d happily sat through, growing up.

‘My remit isn’t to be sexy,’ he said and knocked back the rest of his green tea.

S’pose that had an upside – at least Joe wouldn’t expect me to meet Bond girls’ standards and have the waist of Ursula Andress or look fab if painted from head to toe in gold. But thank God Edward wasn’t some health nut. Not a lot beat a night in front of the telly with him and a pizza takeaway. Yes, since moving into Applebridge Hall last autumn, I had introduced him to the delights of readymade food delivered to your door. We’d cosy up in the parlour, without a jot of cutlery (sorry, Lady C!). Sometimes gruff estate manager, Mr Thompson, joined us if the film involved cowboys, his all-time favourite genre.

Joe relaxed back into his chair, having enjoyed a tofu salad and yogurt as well as his sushi starter.

‘Our physical training is similar to an astronaut’s,’ he said. ‘We have regular medicals and individually tailored fitness regimes.’

But I only heard one word – astronaut. Perhaps Joe would one day head into outer space, just like in Moonraker , Dad’s favourite Bond movie.

‘Right. Let’s run through what you’ve learnt this morning about working out computer passwords, just in case you ever need to hack into an account,’ said Joe.

I popped the last chip in my mouth and then slipped a scrunchie off my wrist. I tied up my hair which, with Lady C’s influence, was still more like my natural, fair brown colour and most unlike the fake chocolate tones I used to prefer.

‘Okay – firstly, I should try the top six passwords that everyone uses,’ I said. ‘Which are… password, 12345678, querty, welcome, letmein, iloveyou…’

‘Good,’ said Joe. ‘And failing them?’

‘Ask the person questions to find clues about the things they hold most dear – the name of a childhood dog… Their date of birth… Town they were born in… I could try it on you but guess you won’t give me an honest answer.’

Joe gave a half-smile and got to his feet. After brushing salt off my jeans, I stood up whilst he opened a big holdall, on the table. He pulled out a flat metal box. Inside were small metal instruments. Joe delved into the bag again and pulled out a door lock barrel. Ooh, a lock-picking lesson.

Joe picked up the metal tools. ‘These are small enough for any handbag. Here… Start using this one first…’

Cue an hour of fiddling with the lock barrel, trying to align the pins inside with this tiny metal rod, so that the cylinder inside would turn. Then he gave me something called a “rake” which you pushed to and fro, to jam the pins instead. In, out. In, out. This was harder than it looked.

However, another hour later, after a couple of swear words even Lady C’s training couldn’t prevent…

‘I did it!’ With a squeal, I threw down the instruments and hugged Joe around the neck.

‘I mean…’ Clearing my throat, I stood back. My cheeks felt hot. Blimey, Joe’s face had cracked into a smile.

‘Good job, Gemma,’ he said and examined the lock barrel. ‘It’s a matter of practice now. Try it at your flat – obviously when Edward isn’t around. And carry those tools with you all the time. You never know when you might need to get in somewhere – or out.’

Face locked into a grin, I clapped my hands and jerked my head towards the holdall. ‘Please tell me I finally get to see gadgets?’

I raised both eyebrows and – oh my God! Joe actually laughed. It was deep and heartfelt and lasted several seconds, as if his chest was making the most of something that rarely happened.

Once more he delved into the holdall and pulled out a pepper spray, lipstick and leopard-print bag. My mouth drooped.

‘Is that it? They don’t look very technical or exciting. What about the packet of fake stick-on fingerprints, cigarettes loaded with bullets or an attaché case concealing a gun? How about a defibrillator so I can bring myself back to life, like Daniel Craig did in Casino Royale?’

Joe shook his head.

I grinned. ‘Just kidding – I know this is real life, not written by Ian Fleming…’

Joe picked up the pepper spray. ‘Use sparingly,’ he said. ‘I bought this myself for you and just added some special blue dye that won’t wash off for forty-eight hours – useful if you’re attacked in the dark and won’t recognise the culprit or be able to give a good description.

‘Great,’ I said and fingered the small bottle. ‘And the lipstick?’

He lifted it up and pulled off the lid to reveal a small tube of clear liquid.

‘This is a sedative,’ he said. ‘Add this to someone’s drink and they’ll fall asleep within five minutes. It’s only to be used as a last measure.’

‘So, basically, I’m not going to get any proper MI6 gadgets?’

Joe’s eyes twinkled for a second. ‘Sorry, Gemma – like I said, this isn’t an official MI6 mission. I guess this leopard-print bag is the nearest thing to high-tech.’ He turned it over. ‘I managed to get my hands on a tracking device and have attached it to the bottom.’ He pointed to a gold button and pressed it hard. A loud beep emitted from his pocket. He took out his phone which had lit up, to reveal a map.