Sophie Pembroke - Summer Of Love

God, they didn’t need to get married at all. She was already his little housewife.

‘Is there any milk?’ Edward asked, kettle in hand.

‘Afraid not,’ Lily said, and braced herself for an accusing look that never came. God, what was she doing? Looking for problems where they didn’t have them. Anything she could point to and say “and that’s why I don’t think we should get married just yet”. Anything to justify her own fear of saying “I do.”

‘I’ll have coffee, then.’ Putting his tea mug back on the tree, he selected a coffee one instead, and Lily wondered how it had never driven her insane before that he had to have a different style of mug for each type of drink.

This was ridiculous. It had to be pre-wedding jitters or something. Seven years with the man, and she’d never been as irritated with him as she was now, and for absolutely no good reason. She loved him. They were good together. Why was she looking for excuses not to take this final step?

This was probably all Alex Harper’s fault. She couldn’t explain quite how, but when she figured it out, she’d sure as hell be sharing it with him.

She needed to get out of the house. Needed to be in her studio, in her shop, in her own space. Needed some time alone to remember how she got here, to be rational about what she wanted in life. Love. Security. That sort of thing.

‘I’m gonna, you know, shower,’ she said, shuffling towards the kitchen door. Soothing water to wake herself up and start the day over. Preferably with a decent cup of tea. Assuming the milk in the shop fridge was still in date. Perhaps she should swing by the corner shop just in case…

‘Hang on,’ Edward said, and irritation crashed over Lily once more as she saw the slow smile she usually loved on his lips. ‘I’ve got something I wanted to show you.’

Lily leant against the counter as Edward pulled a piece of creamy card out of an envelope. ‘Tell me that’s not another wedding invitation,’ she said, groaning. ‘We’ve already got five to attend this summer!’

‘Ah, but this is the most important one.’ He handed it over with a flourish, and Lily reluctantly took it. And stared at it, her hands trembling.

‘But this is…’

‘Ours.’ Edward’s grin took over most of his face. Lily couldn’t tell if it was just her irritation making it look smug. She decided not. ‘Obviously it’s just a mock up – we still need confirm possible dates at the church and the golf club, and I know you haven’t decided what colours you want for the flowers and bridesmaids and such – ’

‘Wait. Wait a minute. I haven’t…’ Lily tried to pull her thoughts together, when it felt like her head might explode. Of course this was what happened next. Her mum was right, they’d already waited three months. ‘Just… The golf club?’

Edward blinked at her. ‘Ye-es, the golf club. Like you agreed the other night?’ God, was she so lost in her own commitment crisis that she’d actually started blocking out all wedding conversations? She did remember nodding along to something while watching the telly earlier in the week, though. Apparently that had been her wedding planning contribution. ‘Although I suppose if you wanted to look at a couple of the inns and hotels in the area, it wouldn’t hurt,’ Edward went on, and Lily felt guilt blossom in her chest.

‘Maybe we should. I mean, we want to be certain, right?’ About more than just the venue. ‘In fact…’ Lily drew in a deep breath and tried to find that core of rationality and practicality she’d been nurturing for the last decade. ‘We haven’t actually talked about setting a date, yet. Have we?’

The muscles in Edward’s face tightened, the way they always did when he was trying to pretend he wasn’t annoyed. ‘You might not have. But we’ve been engaged for three months now, Lily, and I’ve been trying to talk to you about this for two of them. I thought you wanted me to get involved in the planning. I know I’ve been busy at work, but I am trying –’

‘That’s not it,’ Lily said, willing him to just understand, even if none of it made any sense to her either. How could she explain that every time she thought about donning a big white dress and walking down the aisle, her stomach clenched? Just imagining the lists of cakes and favours and dresses and seating plans gave her a headache. Lily glanced down at the still unfamiliar ring on her left hand. Another thing making her feel tense and unhappy.

Surely this wasn’t how engagement should be?

‘Look, Edward.’ Lily scrabbled around for some words that weren’t “this is a bad idea.” ‘I just don’t see why we need to rush.’

Edward’s pale eyebrows arched. ‘Rush? Love, we’ve been together seven years. We’ve been positively leisurely about this.’ Reaching out, he took her hands between his and put on his concerned face. She’d seen it before, once or twice, when her grandmother died and while she’d waited to hear about a small business loan from the last bank in town that hadn’t turned her down already.

If he had pulled it out now, things must be bad.

‘Still, most couples these days are engaged for a year or so before they get married, right?’ Maybe a year would be enough for her to get her head around the idea of being Edward’s wife.

Wife . God, she’d never wanted to be anyone’s wife. Never wanted to belong to someone in that way, be just a possession, something to trot out on show at parties. To lock herself into something so permanent, close off her escape options, just in case. Never wanted to give up that much of herself.

But hadn’t she already? When she decided that security mattered more than being herself. When she decided to stop being the person everyone gossiped about. When she said yes to a proposal that felt like it was happening to somebody else, with a ring that didn’t feel like hers?

Edward sighed. ‘Even if you want to wait until next spring for the wedding, we need to start looking at venues now. All the good ones get booked up fast. It’s only because I’ve got an in at the golf club we can even look at this summer.’

Why were they talking about dates and invitations and venues when all Lily could think was what a mistake it all was? ‘Why do we have to get married at all? Aren’t we happy as we are? I don’t understand why we can’t just carry on being happy. Just being us.’

The concerned face was back. ‘Look, Lily, I love you. I want to marry you. And we’re not getting any younger. If we want a family… we’re at that age now where getting married is the thing to do. It’s time.’

It’s time . It sounded like a bell tolling in her head, telling her it was time to stop being Lily, stop being herself. To make a final choice and an unchangeable commitment to what her future would be. Time to settle down and be someone’s wife. Someone’s mother . And yet, all she could think to say was, ‘I don’t want to get married just because everyone else is.’

Edward rolled his eyes as he patted her hand, a fond smile creeping back onto his face. ‘Of course not. God forbid you do something at the accepted time or in the traditional way.’ She knew he meant it as a joke, a throwaway mention of her wilder days. But all Lily could think was that she was still that stubborn child to him, the one determined to do what she wanted, regardless.

Seven years of conformity, of being what he wanted, what everyone wanted, hadn’t changed the way people saw her at all. ‘I have to go to work,’ Edward said, pressing a kiss to her forehead. We’ll talk more about dates and venues later. You’ll feel better about this once we’ve got all the details hammered out.’

But she wouldn’t. If anything, just thinking about their upcoming conversation made her feel a thousand times worse.