Carole Page - In Search Of Her Own

Victoria sipped her tea before replying. “I know I’ve been forgiven I’m just not sure I’ve forgiven myself.”

He flashed a wry smile. “Self-forgiveness can be a hard-won battle Frankly, I haven’t quite managed it, either.” His words were throwaway. With a change in tone, he was quickly back to business, but he had stirred Victoria’s curiosity. I want to know more about this cryptic, contradictory man, she acknowledged silently But he obviously doesn’t want to talk about himself.

“How can I help you, Victoria?” he asked in his professional, take-charge voice.

She told him sketchily about her strict upbringing, her whirlwind romance with Rick Lancer and the child Rick still didn’t know about—the baby she had carried and loved but never held, the child who belonged to strangers now.

“Did you consider keeping your baby?” Phillip wondered.

“No,” Victoria replied without hesitation. Then she relented. “Of course I did. Every day of my pregnancy. It was all I could think about I wanted my son more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. But it was out of the question My life was already predetermined—my education, my career My parents had everything planned. There was no room for a mistake, especially not one resulting in an illegitimate child “

He eyed her curiously “Are you bitter about that?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I suppose on some level I am, but I remind myself that my parents had my best interests at heart.”

“Did they?”

“I like to believe they did. At the time I felt too overwhelmed to go against their wishes And my father was ill. He needed me. So I did the only thing I could do.”

“You gave away your child.”

“It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I regretted it the moment I signed the papers.”

“And now? Do you still regret it?”

“Now it’s too late. It doesn’t matter how I feel. What’s done is done I’ll never know what might have been.”

Phillip sat forward, his elbows resting on the table, his fingers interlocked. “Yet, now you want to find your child. After six years, you want to intrude yourself on his life.”

“Is that what you think I’m doing?”

“Isn’t it? Your son has his own life now—parents, a home, a future that has nothing to do with you. Are you prepared to interrupt all that and change the course of your son’s life?”

“That’s not what I want, Phillip I don’t intend to hurt my son. I just want to know how he is. I need to see him, just once.”

Phillip poured more tea. “Have you considered the consequences?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, the unpredictable events you may set in motion, the problems you could cause your son and his adoptive family?”

Victoria’s voice was tremulous. Was she hearing right? “Are you saying you won’t help me?”

“I’m saying I want you to think this through very carefully, Victoria. Do what’s right and best for your son.”

She stiffened, her defenses flaring. Was she wrong to think she had found a friend in this man? Obviously he had no intention of helping her. “Do you talk this way to all your clients, Phillip?” she asked coolly.

“You bet. And if I believe the child isn’t a client’s first concern, I don’t take the case.” He paused while the waiter served their Peking duck. They helped themselves to several slices of the crisp, golden meat. “You know, Victoria,” he continued between bites, “there are a lot of distraught people out there who want to use their children as pawns or weapons against their mates. I refuse any part in such cases.”

“My case isn’t like that at all!” she protested. This wasn’t going the way she intended. She never should have come. Maybe she should just get up and leave and forget she’d ever met Phillip Anders.

“I know your case isn’t the same,” Phillip assured her. “But I can’t help wondering whether your emotions aren’t clouding your judgment.”

“My emotions?” She stared incredulously at him. How ironic that he would accuse her of letting her emotions cloud her judgment when she had lived a life so devoid of emotion-based decisions.

“What I’m saying, Victoria, is that perhaps the best gift you could give your son is to stay out of his life.”

She was trembling now. “You don’t understand, Phillip. I’m not going to tell my son who I am, nor do I intend to alarm his parents. I just want to see my child from a distance I want to know he’s well and safe.”

Phillip nodded soberly; he still wasn’t ready to concede his argument “I must warn you, Victoria. You may have to go through an awful lot of trouble for that one distant glimpse.”

She lowered her gaze. “There’s more, Phillip,” she said quietly. Talking about something as private and personal as her faith wasn’t easy, but it had to be done. “Three years ago I made a commitment. I don’t know quite how to explain it to you, but I put my faith in Christ.” Her eyes met his. “Since then, I’ve felt a deep burden for my son, for his eternal destiny. I’m not trying to sound like some religious zealot, but what if no one ever tells him how to find God?”

Phillip studied her for a long moment. He seemed to be weighing his response. Finally he said, “I made that same commitment some years ago, Victoria, before I was married. Pauline was a Christian, too, although I must admit my own faith is rather rusty these days.”

“Then, being a believer, you must understand my concern for my son”

“I understand, but I don’t necessarily agree. Can’t you trust your son to God’s care and get on with your own life?”

“You don’t think I have a right to find out about his spiritual upbringing?”

Phillip heaved a disgruntled sigh, as if he knew what he was about to say would get him into hot water. “Okay, Victoria, let me put it on the line. I think you’ve got other motivations going on inside that you’re not even aware of, but it feels safe to put it all under a spiritual umbrella.”

She bristled. “Are you suggesting I’m not being honest with you about my motives for finding my child?”

“Maybe you’re not being honest with yourself,” said Phillip.

She reached for her purse. “If you won’t help me, Mr. Anders, I’m sure there are other detectives who will.”

“Wait, Victoria” He reached across the table and seized her hand. His touch sent a warm ripple of pleasure through her, touching off pinwheels of emotion she hadn’t experienced since she was in Rick Lancer’s arms. For a long moment neither of them spoke. It was as if they had connected on a new, unexplored level that neither had anticipated, and neither of them knew where to go with it from here. At last he released her and her heart rate slowly returned to normal.

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t help,” he told her solemnly. He looked as shaken as she felt.

“But you said…”

He averted his gaze and picked absently at his Peking duck, as if he weren’t ready yet to say more. After a moment he looked up at her, his eyes crinkling wryly. “What I’m trying to say, Victoria, is that I never take a case I can talk a client out of. The road ahead is too tough for the weak-willed or faint of heart.”

“Are you saying.you will take my case?”

“I’m saying you’ll have to search your motives as we go along and make sure your head is on straight, okay? Do a whole lot of soul-searching. And then, if you’re willing to put yourself in my hands and trust my judgment—”

“Oh, I will. I do!”

“Even then,” he cautioned, “I can’t guarantee a happy ending.”

“I don’t ask for any guarantees, Phillip,” she assured him. “Just help me find my son, and I’ll do whatever you say.”