Carole Page - In Search Of Her Own

He slipped his arm around her shoulders and gently massaged the back of her neck “She came right out and said it?” he asked with a catch in his voice. “You mean, she knew you were Joshua’s mother? How could she—?”

“No, she didn’t know. But I saw a picture of Joshua, and Mrs. Hewlett noticed me looking at it. Out of the blue she came right out and told me about the accident. She said her grandson died in the crash.”

“To tell a complete stranger such a thing—that’s strange.”

“She seemed like a strange woman. But she was fairly blunt about everything,” Victoria told him “Phillip, is it possible your sources made a mistake? Do you suppose my son really is dead?”

“It’s possible, Victoria, but not likely. My gut feeling is that the Hewletts are hiding something “

“I have that feeling, too,” she said, finally regaining a measure of composure. “That’s why I took the room, Phillip.”

He stopped rubbing her neck. “You did what?”

“There was a room-for-rent sign on the door It seemed like the perfect excuse for my being there. Then when Mrs. Hewlett told me Joshua was dead, I knew I had to stay. I have to find out what happened to my son, Phillip.”

“That’s my job, Victoria.” His expression took on a stony grimness. “There are a lot of crazies in this world. I’m prepared to handle them. You’re not.”

“What are you saying, Phillip?”

“I’m saying I want you to telephone Mrs. Hewlett and tell her you’ve changed your mind about the room.”

“I can’t. I won’t.”

“You must,” Phillip said levelly. “I’ll continue the investigation. I’ll keep you apprised of every detail. But I can’t let you get personally involved like this.”

“I’m already involved,” she protested “I won’t give up the room. Don’t you understand, Phillip? The Hewletts are my only link with my son. I’ve got to find out what they’re hiding, no matter what it costs”

“It could cost you everything,” he warned, his tone edgy, almost accusing With a nervous energy he drummed his fingertips along her neck to her shoulder. Then he pulled her against him and pressed her head against his. Neither of them spoke for a long time. His breathing was ragged, perhaps hers was, too—she couldn’t tell. She could smell the spicy fragrance of his after-shave and the tangy, masculine aroma of his skin. His chin was already showing the faint stubble of a fiveo’clock shadow.

He was holding her almost too tight, but it wasn’t a romantic embrace; it was as if he wanted desperately to protect her but wasn’t sure he could. “I won’t risk losing you,” he said at last, his voice raw with feeling

She didn’t reply, didn’t ask what he meant by such a cryptic statement, but she understood now that a powerful connection was growing between them that went beyond their professional relationship. Perhaps even beyond friendship.

Monday, May 18, 2:00 p.m.

Believe it or not, I’m packed and ready for the drive to Middleton—ready outwardly, but inside I’m filled with doubts, terrified of facing Mrs. Hewlett again. I keep wondering what horrible secrets she’s keeping. And what if she guesses the truth about me? Could I make matters worse for Joshua by blundering into his life like this, by playing this bizarre charade?

I’ve always been such a cautious person, conscientious to a fault, never stepping outside my boundaries, never testing the limits, except once, of course, with Rick Lancer—and look at the trouble that got me into! But I can’t compare this situation with that one. I’m doing what I have to do to find my son. I must keep reminding myself of that. I can’t rest until I know what happened to him.

The thought that he might be dead haunts me. What kind of mother was I to let him go without knowing what kind of life he would have and what kind of people would raise him? How could I have trusted others so completely to do what was best for my son? And how could I have had so little faith in my own ability—and right—to care for him?

Not that I have great reserves of faith in myself even now. When my parents were alive my life was so simple and straightforward I tried relentlessly to be their obedient daughter, to make them proud of me; and even though I often failed, I was consumed with trying.

Now that I’m alone, my life is in chaos. I don’t know who to try to please, except God—and all too often He has my father’s voice, so that I can’t distinguish between the two; I can’t tell what God wants for me and what my father would have wanted I don’t want to hear my father’s voice anymore, but it’s there; I can’t get it out of my head.

I know I ought to think about pleasing myself for a change, but even that idea is distressing, because I don’t know what I want. I’ve spent too many years denying my desires. I want my son, but I have no idea where my search for him will lead me, nor what it will cost—not in dollars, but the emotional drain.

And to complicate matters even further, there’s Phillip. Without meaning to, he’s turned my life upside down and thrown my mind into the worst sort of turmoil and confusion. Even as I value his help and friendship, I find myself longing for more from him—yearning for him to see me as a woman, to cherish and caress me and make me feel loved And at the same time, the idea of a romantic relationship strikes terror in my heart. In the very same breath I want to pull him close and push him away. How can I give my love to another man after what Rick Lancer did to me? How can I trust him? Or myself?

Even though I’m filled with doubts, I can’t let Phillip see my misgivings, or he’d never let me drive to Middleton alone. When he comes to say goodbye this afternoon, I must put on a brave, smiling face and pretend that I have every confidence in the world.

Dear God, help me to put my confidence in You!

“I still don’t like you going,” Phillip told Victoria shortly after four o’clock as he carried her suitcases out to her car. “It’s just too risky.”

Victoria followed with her pillow, makeup case and a sack of crackers and cheese. “Really, Phillip, you’re thinking like a detective now. What risk is there in spending a few weeks with an elderly couple who just happen to be my son’s grandparents?” Now if only she felt as brave as she sounded! She prayed Phillip wouldn’t see through her bravado; if he guessed how frightened she was, he’d never let her go.

“It’s not that simple and you know it,” he told her, his dark umber eyes shadowed as he looked at her.

Victoria felt warmed by his concern. If only he were going with her! She had known him for such a short time and already she felt lost without him. “I’ll be fine, Phillip, believe me,” she assured him. And if he believed that, she was a better actress than she thought. “I’ll keep in touch, I promise. And if I find out anything at all, I’ll let you know.”

He pulled her into his arms. “I—lI can’t let you go.”

Softly she said, “You can’t stop me, Phillip.”

His brows furrowed. “I wish I could go with you.”

“You can’t. You have your work. I’m sure you have lots of other clients needing your help.”

“You’re the only client on my mind right now.” He pushed her hair back gently from her face and moved his knuckles slowly over her cheekbone. He lowered his face to hers and she had the impression that he wanted to kiss her goodbye, but instead he brushed his lips against her forehead and released her. “Be careful, you hear?”

She managed a tremulous smile. “I will.”