Carolyne Aarsen - The Rancher's Return

“I have, and I’m not,” Emma said as she led her horses back up the bank. “The routine reminds a person of where he is even if he’s not aware of it. Kind of anchors you.”

“Routine can deaden you too,” he replied.

Emma’s skeptical look at his comment as she passed him made Carter think of the miles he put on his bike and truck the past two years. The constant movement from job to job, thinking that avoiding home and familiarity would ease the pain and guilt.

Instead it was as if his sorrow was replaced by a deeper longing he couldn’t fill no matter how hard he rode, how many different places he worked.

“Hey, Mom. I got cookies for our trip.”

Carter’s heart jumped at the sound of Adam’s voice calling across the yard. He clenched his jaw and struggled once again with his reaction to Emma’s little boy. He’d seen children numerous times in his travels.

He’d just never seen them riding a horse. Like Harry did. Walking around his ranch like a living reminder of what Carter didn’t have anymore.

Adam sat perched on the top rail of the corral, waving a paper bag dotted with grease. “They’re really good.”

“Don’t shake that bag too hard,” Emma warned with a laugh. “You’ll lose the cookies.”

“And I might scare the horses,” he added, lowering the bag. “Can I come down?” he asked, shifting his weight toward the edge of the fence.

“Just stay there until I get Diamond and Dusty tied up,” Emma said, leading the horses past Adam.

Carter held back while Emma walked her horses through the gate, even as his gaze slipped, against his will, back to Adam, rocking back and forth on the top rail of the fence.

Carter ducked under Banjo’s neck. Adam startled and pulled back.

“Mommy,” he called as he flailed his arm, holding on to the bag of cookies with the other hand.

He was falling, and Emma was too far away to help.

Carter reached up and snagged him around the waist, steadying him as he slipped off the fence.

“I want my mommy,” Adam said, pushing at Carter with one hand, as he tried to catch his balance. Banjo shied while Carter juggled Adam and the halter rope.

“Let me get Banjo settled,” Carter said to Adam, glancing over his shoulder at his horse, who was dancing around, ears back. “Hold still. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Adam stopped pushing. Carter shifted him onto his hip, caught his balance and pulled the horse’s head around.

“Whoa, boy. Easy now,” he murmured, walking Banjo around in a circle. His horse took a quick sidestep as he shook his head and then blew. But his ears pricked up, and Carter knew he had the horse’s attention. “It’s okay,” he murmured, reassuring the horse.

“Will my bag of cookies scare him?” Adam said in a quiet voice, now resting one hand on Carter’s shoulder.

“I don’t think so,” Carter said, his own heart faltering at Adam’s touch. It had been two years since he held a little child. Two years since a child’s arm laid on his shoulder.

Adam smelled of fresh baking and warm sun and little boy. Longing and pain rose up in Carter, and he didn’t know which emotion was the strongest.

“Is everything okay?” Emma asked quietly.

“We’re fine,” Carter said, surprised at the tightness of his throat. When Adam saw his mother, though, he reached out for her.

Carter felt a sense of loss as Adam’s weight came off his hip and the little boy’s hand slipped off his shoulder. For just a moment, the emptiness had eased. For a nanosecond, his arms hadn’t felt so empty.

But right behind that came the pain.

“Sorry about that,” Emma said, setting Adam on the ground and then tousling his hair. “I’m sure Adam didn’t mean to startle Banjo.”

“No. He didn’t do anything.” Carter looked down at Adam, his heart beginning a heavy pounding. “I startled him, that’s all. I hope Adam’s okay.”

Adam squinted up at him, his face scrunched up as if trying to figure Carter out. “I’m okay,” he said quietly. “Thanks for helping me and for not getting mad at me.”

Carter couldn’t speak. How could he explain to this little boy the complications his presence created and the memories that resurfaced around him? It wasn’t Adam’s fault he was the same age Harry was when he died. But every time Carter saw him, the reminder of his loss plunged into his heart like a knife.

He caught Emma’s enigmatic expression. As if trying to puzzle him out.

Don’t bother, he wanted to tell her. It’s not worth it.

But as their gazes caught and meshed, she gave him a careful smile, as if forgiving him his confusion.

He wasn’t going to return it. He was also going to look away. But he couldn’t.

Something about her called to him, and as he looked into her soft brown eyes, emotions shifted deep within him.

“Are we going now?”

Adam’s voice jerked Carter back to reality and he looked away.

“That is the plan,” Emma replied. “But I want to go say goodbye to Wade and Miranda first. They’ll probably be gone by the time we return.” She looked at Carter. “Did you want to come too?”

“I’ve already said goodbye,” Carter said, dismissing her with a wave of his hand.

“I’ll wait here with Mr. Carter.” Adam flashed him a grin as if all was well between them.

“Make sure you don’t eat all the cookies,” Emma called back as she walked away.

“The cows are looking good,” Emma said, leaning forward, her hands stacked on the saddle horn. Her eyes swept the green hills edged with fir trees, and she grinned as a half dozen calves chased each other along a fence line. Their tails were straight up and their legs stretched out. Running for no reason other than the fact that they could. Goofy creatures.

“Looks like we’ve got more animals on the pasture than other years,” Carter said, shifting in the saddle. “I’ve never seen the grass so long up here before. You’ve done good work here.”

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