Anne Herries - The Mistress of Hanover Square

‘What happened—how did she die?’

‘One day when I was out she ordered a bath and then…’ He paused, almost choking on the words. ‘When I returned I found her. She had slashed her wrists and bled to death. I pulled her from the water and did what I could for her. She died in my arms…’ His face twisted with pain. ‘I did not mean to hurt her. She must have been desperately unhappy and I was not there for her. Something in me must be lacking. How could I not know that my own wife was so desperate that she would take her own life? I have blamed myself for her death ever since.’

He had told her the truth, leaving out only a few details that he felt unable to communicate.

‘Gerard…’ Amelia was on her feet. She held out her hands to him, her expression understanding and sympathetic. ‘My dear—how terrible for you! It was a tragedy for a life was lost—but it was not your fault. Lisette could not have recovered completely from the birth. How could you have known she was unhappy if she did not tell you?’

‘She may have been unwell, but I was not aware of it. I should have known.’

‘You rescued her when she was alone. You married her, were kind to her so she turned to you, gave you her heart. If she felt unsure of your love, it may have made her desperately unhappy, but the blame is not all yours.’

‘You see things so clearly…’ Gerard moved closer, his eyes searching her face. ‘So you do not hate me? You will not turn away in disgust? You understand that I am not as I once was?’

‘I could never hate you. Surely you know…’

‘I know that you are a wonderful, wise and lovely woman,’ Gerard said passionately. ‘I would be honoured if you would become my wife, Amelia. You were prepared to marry me all those years ago. Dare I hope that you still find the idea agreeable?’

‘Gerard…’ Amelia gasped. ‘Yes…’

She meant to say more, but he lowered his head to kiss her on the lips. Amelia responded with all the love that was in her, her arms going about his neck as her body melded with his. This was what she had longed for, dreamed of so many lonely nights! She had never expected to be so fortunate.

‘My beautiful Amelia,’ Gerard said. ‘I am a fool! You are such a sensible woman. You understand everything. You would not do something stupid because of a foolish quarrel. I should have asked long ago. You are exactly the woman I need in my life. You will not expect more than I am able to give.’

Amelia withdrew a little. She waited for him to say the words she needed to hear, but he did not speak of love and she was conscious of a slight disappointment.

She looked at him uncertainly. ‘I had thought you meant to ask me before, but then you seemed to withdraw and I was not sure you cared for me.’

‘I have always admired and cared for you,’ Gerard replied. ‘We should have married years ago had your brother not had me beaten for having the temerity to approach you.’ He paused, then, ‘I fear Sir Michael will not take the news kindly, Amelia.’

‘Michael may be pleased for me or stay away from my home. I am not obliged to him and he may not deny me this time. However, you should take care, for I know he can be a spiteful man, Gerard.’

‘I shall take care for myself and for you. I do not forget that someone made an attempt to abduct you, Amelia. It will be my first duty to protect you, my dearest.’

‘Thank you. I feel it unlikely that Michael would do more than vent his displeasure on me verbally—but it is always best to be careful.’ She looked at him, her doubt writ plain on her face. ‘Do you wish to announce our engagement at once?’

‘That is entirely up to you, Amelia. If you wish for more time to consider…’

‘No, I think not,’ Amelia told him. ‘I have given you my answer and I shall not change my mind.’

‘Then you have made me the happiest man alive,’ Gerard said. ‘I have a Christmas gift for you, Amelia—but it is not a ring. I was afraid to tempt fate. However, I did commission a ring. I shall send to my jeweller and have it delivered at Coleridge.’

‘Perhaps we should announce our engagement at the ball there,’ Amelia suggested. ‘We shall consider ourselves pledged, Gerard—but tell only our best friends until the ball.’

‘As usual you have solved the thing,’ he said and leaned forwards to kiss her softly on the lips. ‘I look forward to our wedding, Amelia. You are a good friend and you will be a wonderful wife. Lisa already adores you and this is the best thing I can do for her. You will have the comfort and security of marriage and I shall have a beautiful gracious wife…we shall all get on famously.’

Amelia allowed him to kiss her, but she did not cling to him as she had the first time. At the back of her mind a tiny doubt had formed. She did not want to think it, but she was afraid that Gerard had proposed to her because he needed a suitable wife and a mother for his delightful daughter! Much as she knew she would love Lisa, she could not help thinking that if things had been different she might have been the child’s mother. She would be a good mother to Lisa, but her heart ached when she thought of what might have been.

Did Gerard imagine that she had remained single because she had not received another offer? Amelia frowned as she went up to change for the evening. She might have been married soon after Gerard disappeared, but she had refused every man her brother brought for her to meet. Michael had tried to push her into marrying a marquis, but she had not allowed him to bully her.

Since she came into her fortune, she had received six offers of marriage. Not one of the gentlemen had made her feel that she wished to be married, even though she believed that at least one had been in love with her. Despite the hurt Gerard’s apparent desertion had inflicted, she had never ceased to love him. No other man could ever replace him in her heart.

Amelia’s feelings now were mixed. Gerard had proposed and she had accepted, but the doubts had begun to creep in. Was he truly in love with her—or did he simply wish for a convenient arrangement? He needed a mother for Lisa, and he wanted a wife who would not make too many demands.

She tried to remember his exact words, but had only a vague memory for his proposal had swept all else from her mind. She thought he had told her that he cared for his wife, but he could never love with all his heart, because something had died in him the night Michael sent him away. Lisette had wanted more and because of that she had become desperately unhappy. Amelia imagined that she had still been low after the birth of her child, for more than one young one woman had been known to suffer a deep melancholy after giving birth.

Amelia frowned. Gerard’s words as he proposed seemed to in dicate that he was looking for a comfortable marriage that would not make too many demands on his emotions. Was he saying that she must not expect too much—that he simply needed a complaisant woman to care for his child and his home?

Did he care for her at all?

What nonsense was this? She was such a fool! Amelia’s thoughts were confused as she changed for dinner that evening. For years she had regretted the love she had lost. She had felt the years slipping away, her youth lost. There were times when she believed she would die an old maid, unfulfilled and unloved.

Recently, after meeting Gerard again, she had begun to long for him to speak. Now he had proposed and she had accepted, and yet she was beset by doubts. A tiny voice in her head was telling her she should not hope for a love match. Gerard was older and he had undoubtedly changed from the young man who had declared his love so passionately. He had spoken of caring for Amelia and of looking forward to her becoming his wife—not the words of a man desperately in love. Not the passionate declaration she had hoped to hear!