Jay Crownover - Salvaged

I sighed and rubbed a hand over my tired face. I’d slept restlessly last night, caught between satisfaction and guilt at the artful way I’d maneuvered Poppy into agreeing to spend time with me. I wanted to feel bad for manipulating her into a situation she’d obviously wanted to say no to, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be around her and I wanted her to get used to being around me. I knew it was selfish and that I was walking over very dangerous ground, but I couldn’t stay away. She was hiding and I was seeking.

“I told you I was going to be here for you and the baby, Kallie.” I picked up my coffee and took a healthy swig. “I didn’t say I was going to be happy about it.”

She made a noise low in her throat and her fingers tightened on the mug until they were almost white. “I hate how awkward things are between us.” She looked up at me under her long lashes. “I’ve apologized a million times, Wheeler. Are you ever going to forgive me?”

I blew out an aggravated breath. “Have you told your parents why I called the wedding off yet?”

She flinched and as her gaze shifted away I caught a glimpse of guilt in her eyes. She didn’t need to answer my question when her actions answered for her.

I snorted and leaned back in my seat so that I could put as much physical distance between the two of us as possible. “So your mom and dad still think I dropped you for nothing, that I kicked you out of the house that I bought for you, for no reason?” I wanted to scream at her, to tell her to grow the hell up, to shake some sense into her. Instead, all I did was shake my head in disappointment. “They think I left you out in the cold even though you’re having my kid?” It was so disappointing. They were the only real parents I’d ever known. They took me in no questions asked the minute Kallie brought me home. I fell in love with her family almost as quickly as I fell in love with her. The way they’d had no problem believing the worst about me when Kallie and I split hurt almost as much as letting her go. Dixie had offered no less than a hundred times to intervene. She hated the way her parents had turned on me and wanted desperately to set them straight, but I refused to let her get involved. I was used to being let down by the people that were supposed to love me, so if they wanted to think the worst, I was inclined to let them. Plus, it was practically impossible to come clean about why I’d finally walked away without laying all the secrets Kallie wasn’t ready to share out on the table. Too many years being the one that protected her meant I couldn’t sell her out just to gain her parents’ favor.

She exhaled slowly and lifted her sky colored eyes up to mine. “I’m going to tell them. I just haven’t found the right time. Everything has been crazy with Dixie getting hurt and then deciding to move to Mississippi. I don’t want to put any more on them at the moment.”

It was an excuse. She didn’t want to pull the curtain back on the real reason for our split. She wasn’t protecting anyone but herself. “What does Roni think about all of this?”

Roni was the woman that Kallie had been having an affair with, while she was still involved with me. She was the woman that Kallie realized she wanted to be with more than the man she had spent the majority of her youth with. Kallie loved me, but she was supposed to be with Roni more.

At least that’s what she told me when I confronted her after her older sister let the cat out of the bag by accident. Dixie would never have shared such a personal secret but I’d ambushed her one night after Kallie told me about the baby. I needed to vent and there ended up being a whole lot of yelling and confusion, most of it on my part. Somewhere along the line Dixie thought the reason I was upset was because of Roni when she thought I was talking about Kallie’s affair instead of the baby. Dixie felt horrible for spilling her sister’s deepest secrets but I wasn’t sure Kallie would have ever come clean to me if she hadn’t.

Her gaze shifted away again and she chomped down on her lower lip. “She isn’t happy. Since I’ve been staying with my parents, there hasn’t been much time to see her or to talk to her. She wants me to tell them the truth too, but neither one of you knows how hard it is for me.” She shifted in her seat. “I’m already a runaway bride and an unwed mother. I feel like that’s plenty of disappointment for them to deal with right now.”

I sighed and leaned forward in my seat. “They are not going to be disappointed in you because you fell in love with a woman, Kallie. They are going to be disappointed you lied and hurt people that love you and care about you while trying to hide who you really are and who you really love.” I shook my head at her. “That’s why they’re so mad at me right now. They think I hurt you.”

“My parents love you, Wheeler. You’re part of the family and always will be.” She tentatively lowered a hand to her stomach and gave me a surprisingly steady look. “We are in this together, but you have no idea how hard it is realizing your life is never going to be the same. It’s scary enough coming to terms with that on your own … thinking about how my parents might react …” She sighed and shrugged helplessly.

I nodded at her. “We are in this together, but you have someone else that’s in it too, Kallie. If you plan on keeping Roni around, then you need to be honest with everyone, including yourself, about the role she’s playing and will play in our baby’s life.” I wasn’t going to reassure her that her parents were going to be reasonable and understanding again. I’d said the words a million times in a million different ways but it hadn’t done any good. She was going to have to have that conversation with them and find out for herself that they would love her no matter what. She lowered her gaze and her teeth bit even harder into her lip. Knowing well and good those were signs that she was done with the conversation, I changed the subject. “What did you want to talk to me about that couldn’t be handled over the phone?” She’d begged me to meet her this morning, and like a sap, I caved and agreed. “I have to get going soon.” I didn’t really since I made my own hours and I was the boss, but I could only handle so much time around her. It still hurt, being with her but not (with) her.

She shifted nervously in her seat and let go of her tea. She started tapping her fingertips on the table in front of her and I wanted to reach out and put my hand over hers to keep them still. I didn’t want to make her anxious but until we found our way to some kind of new normal with each other, this was how it was going to be. I felt cut open and raw, she was fidgety and unsettled. I’d never realized how deeply we’d relied on each other to keep our worst traits at bay from the rest of the knowing world. She held me together and kept all my jagged edges smoothed out and less dangerous, I kept her calm and quieted all the restlessness in her that made her so volatile and needy.

“I have a doctor’s appointment next week. I wanted to see if you would come with me.” She was heading into the second trimester, so the baby was starting to seem very real. Soon she would be showing and we would be to the point where we would know if we were having a boy or a girl. I’d gone with her to one doctor’s visit but her mother had been there as well and it was a terrible afternoon for all of us. She’d asked me to go a couple more times and I’d refused thinking it would be easier for all involved. Seeing the nervousness on her pretty face right now, I understood that wasn’t the case.

“Did you ask your mom to go this time?” My tone was flat because she could make this all better if she just stepped up to the plate for once in her life. If she took care of someone else instead of expecting everyone to take care of her.