Brenda Novak - Until You Loved Me

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“Are you going to be okay?”

Ellie looked up at Amy and groaned. Once she’d taken the pregnancy test and seen that telltale pink line, she’d stumbled to the couch and had been lying there ever since. Her arms and legs felt like they had fifty-pound weights attached. She didn’t think she could possibly get up. “No.”

Amy’s face creased with worry as she perched on the chair nearby. “Being pregnant isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you. I mean...you were talking about having a family a couple of months ago.”

“I was engaged to be married a couple of months ago!” she said. “I thought I was ready to take the next step in my life. But now...” She shook her head in disbelief. How could this have happened after everything she’d been through since finding Don and Leo in her bed?

Amy stared down at her hands before raising her eyes again. “Are you sure it isn’t Don’s?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Ellie said. “I’ve had a period since the last time we had sex.”

“That makes it easy to pinpoint the father, at least.”

“True. Thank God for small mercies! Can you imagine what it would be like to carry a baby for nine months and not know who the father was? Not to mention, if there was any uncertainty along those lines, Don would be waiting in the wings for the better part of a year, hoping to celebrate with his new partner. I feel that’s what he was hoping for from a relationship with me in the first place.”

“I thought he wanted to use you as a front for his family.”

“That, too. But he’s always wanted kids, and he knows it’ll be harder to have them with Leo than with me.”

“Then you’re lucky.” Amy gave her an encouraging smile, but one look from Ellie made her smile wither. “Sorry,” she mumbled.

“No problem,” Ellie said, but she was still playing the injured party. She had a right to feel sorry for herself for a while. But there were a few bright spots. The fact that the baby belonged to Hudson was much luckier than he or she belonging to Don. Her relationship with her ex-fiancé and his new partner had become so hostile. She could only imagine how terrible it would be if she had to tell them she was pregnant. Trying to work out custody and support issues—all of it would have been a nightmare. Not to mention that a child would have bonded her and Don together for life just when she’d begun to think she’d been fortunate to get out when she did.

“So...you’re positive you can trace this back to that one night at Envy.”

Ellie detected a sheepish note in her friend’s voice, probably because she was the one who’d taken Ellie to the club and goaded her to let loose for a change. “Yes. No question. Since it’s not Don’s, it has to be Hudson’s. I’ve only been with the two of them in the last seven or eight years.”

“Okay.” She let her breath go in an audible sigh. “That solves a few other problems, then.”

Ellie lifted her head. “Like what?”

“You’ll have total control. You won’t have to tell Hudson he’s got a child.”

“I can’t tell him. I don’t even know his last name!” And how was that a good thing? He had a right to know! She should’ve left her number that morning at the Four Seasons. He might not have called—but then it would’ve been his fault she couldn’t make him aware that he was going to be a father. At the moment it felt like her fault...

“That’s my point! You’ll be able to keep the baby all to yourself without feeling guilty about it.”

But she did feel guilty. That was the problem. And would keeping the baby all to herself truly be a positive thing? She alone would be responsible for the care and nurture of another human being. Her child would have only one parent. That wasn’t unheard-of by any stretch of the imagination. Many single parents functioned fine and did a fabulous job. But could she handle that role—effectively enough that she wouldn’t screw up the little person who’d be relying on her? She was so engrossed in her work. How would raising a child as a single mother affect her ability to succeed as a scientist and vice versa? “I’m not sure you’re helping.”

Amy got to her feet and began to pace. “I’m at a loss here. I don’t want children—ever—so I feel really bad for you.”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “Now I know you’re not helping.”

“I might be blundering around a bit, but I’m trying to find some way to reassure you. You do want children one day, right?”

“Yes. I’ve always wanted children—”

She threw up her hands. “There you go! This guarantees it.”

Ellie had been feeling the ticking of her biological clock. That was one of the reasons her breakup with Don had been so painful. She wasn’t great at getting out and meeting people, didn’t hold out much hope of finding someone else in the next five or ten years. She didn’t want to miss out on raising a family, but having a baby on her own wasn’t something she’d ever considered. “Men have it so easy,” she grumbled. Hudson had been able to enjoy their night together and fly home to wherever he lived without so much as a backward glance, and here she was, paying the price for that encounter. A baby would change everything in her life.

“It isn’t fair,” Amy agreed, pivoting at the other end of the living room. “But you have a good job with medical benefits. You’ll be able to afford a child. And...once it’s here, I’m sure you’ll love him or her. Of course, there’s all the misery you’ll have to endure before then—the weight gain, the swollen ankles, the possibility of gestational diabetes, stretch marks, backaches and the excruciating delivery. God, I can’t even imagine the delivery. You’ll never be the same. But—”

She stopped, finally realizing that Ellie was glaring at her.

“Okay. I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

“Thank you.”

Amy rubbed her palms on her jeans as she continued to pace, but she didn’t hold her silence for very long. “I’m sorry, El,” she blurted. “This sucks. I usually have an answer for everything, but even I don’t know what to say to make this better.”

Ellie closed her eyes. “You could say you’ll help...”

“I will help. I may not want kids myself, but that doesn’t mean I won’t make a fabulous godmother and honorary aunt. I’d be perfect for the job, since I won’t be busy raising a family of my own.”

“I guess.” Amy didn’t strike Ellie as the godmother type, but she’d been a true friend, so maybe that wasn’t a fair assessment.

“You don’t sound totally convinced I’d be good with your kid,” she said, her voice filled with suspicion.

Ellie would’ve laughed except she was too glum. She opened her eyes and stared down at her stomach. Although it was flat at the moment—her baby was only the size of a peanut, if that big—as the months passed she’d look like she’d swallowed a watermelon. That was coming. Too late to avoid it.

“I have no idea how to tell my parents about this,” she said. “It’ll ruin their year in Europe. They’ll feel they need to come home to support me, even though they tried to complete their travel before I got married, let alone had children. I’ve totally screwed that up for them.” She sniffed, unable to suppress the tears that suddenly welled up. They’d almost come home when she told them about Don, so she knew how they’d react to this. “What am I going to do?” She knew she was in real trouble if she was appealing to Amy, but who else could she turn to?

Amy came over, knelt by the couch and took her hand. “I’m guessing you won’t want to hear this, but there are...things you can do to...to take care of this if you really don’t want the baby. You don’t have to go through with it.”