D. Graham - And Then What?

Maybe things between us hadn’t been as good as I thought. Maybe I wasn’t putting enough effort into the relationship, or maybe I was a disappointment to him. Did our relationship go from inseparable as children into teenage sweethearts and then slip into the someone-I-used-to-know category without me noticing? Maybe adulthood changed us. It was possible that after waiting thirteen years to date his life-long crush, when it actually happened, I was a colossal let-down. I didn’t feel that way about him. In fact, dating the guy who was not only an amazing friend but also someone I had dreamed of being with for years had turned out to be a million times better than I had even imagined it would be.

It was my fault the relationship had unraveled. I hadn’t been spending enough time with him. My course load was ridiculously heavy. And even when we did have some spare time between studying, with me being at my mom’s and him having a roommate, we barely had enough privacy to even make out. Maybe he compared us to Sophie and Doug, who had plans to move in together. Or to Murphy and Rene, who already lived together and were ready to start a family. I wasn’t ready for that. Maybe Trevor was.

I winced when I realized that’s what my vision was about. I lost him.

The truck door opened, but I didn’t look over because I already knew it was Murphy, not Trevor. “He’s just walking her home. He’ll be right back to talk to you.”

I shook my head and mumbled, “I’m tired. I just want to go home.”

“You need to give him a chance to explain, Deri. A situation came up and he didn’t feel she was in a state to get home safely by herself.”

“I’m really tired and upset. Just call him and tell him I’ll talk to him in the morning.”

“I can’t. He lost his phone somewhere.”

“Convenient,” I mumbled.

Murphy shot me a grow-up-Deri expression. “He’s walking her home so she’ll be safe. You know that.”

Obviously it was more in character for Trevor to get involved in a situation where someone in trouble needed help rather than blow off plans with me to hang out with some random chick. I knew that, but I also had to face the possibility that I wasn’t cutting it in the girlfriend department. It was late and I was already being snappy and rude due to the lack of sleep from earlier in the week. I was afraid I would make everything worse if I tried to talk about it when I was so exhausted and emotional. “I just want to go home. Please.”

Murphy sighed and then reluctantly started the truck. He was quiet for most of the drive, then he said, “I know that looked bad, but he’s a good guy, Derian—you know that. And I’ve known him for almost fourteen years; he would never cheat on you. He was just helping someone who got caught up in a dangerous situation. That’s all.”

“Maybe I did something to push him away, or maybe he wanted something new,” I said as he turned out onto the street.

“He wants you, Deri. Trust me. He waited until you graduated to ask you out, but he wanted to date you for at least three years before that. And he’s loved you since the day he moved to Britannia Beach. He wouldn’t do anything to disrespect you or screw up what you guys have. If I could get him to stop constantly talking about how great you are, I would.” He smiled as he reached across the cab of the truck and shoved my shoulder. “I’m sick of it, frankly.”

It did make me feel better to hear Murphy say that, but then the image of Trevor and the woman catapulted me right back into a sludgy pool of self-doubt. “Did he seem unhappy about our relationship lately?”

“No. A bond like what you two have always had doesn’t just disappear. He’s been stressed out with school and coming up to Britannia Beach for rescues on weekends. But he has never said anything negative about you or the relationship. In fact, when he talks about the future, you are always included in that conversation. There is no doubt in his mind what he wants.”

It was true. Trevor never came across as unsure or as losing interest. He had been working really hard at school and still volunteering for Search and Rescue. That girl was definitely too drunk to safely walk home alone. It was most likely all innocent, but because of my vision about losing Trevor, I couldn’t help obsessing about the things I could have done to be a better girlfriend and a better friend to him. I should have never taken what we had for granted. I should have seen the signs that he was drifting away.

Or maybe he wasn’t. In his defence, he didn’t know about the party. If everybody hadn’t been at the condo waiting it wouldn’t have even been that big of a deal that he didn’t show up. But the vision bothered me. It was trying to warn me that I was losing him. And if that was true, the girl was potentially more than just someone he walked home. Or she might be, at some point in the future. It was an omen. Or not. I didn’t know what to think. And it was giving me a headache.

When Murphy pulled up in front of my mom’s condo, I opened the door and climbed out of the truck. “Thanks for the ride. Be safe driving home.”

“Just hear him out.”

I nodded. “I will. Good night, Murph. Thanks for everything. Don’t forget to call his dad. I don’t want him to worry.”

I took the elevator upstairs and stood in the hall. I was hesitant to go in because I didn’t want to deal with a million questions from my mom. I couldn’t avoid it forever, though, so I finally decided to plaster a smile across my face and act as if I was totally relieved. My plan was to lie and tell her that he just fell asleep. I opened the door, expecting to see her still sitting in the armchair. Fortunately, it looked as if she’d gone to bed and left one lamp on in the hallway for me.

I got ready for bed as quickly as I could and dove under my sheets in case she got up and asked me what happened. Only a second after I clicked my lamp off there was a knock on my door. She opened it a crack and poked her head in. I cringed.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Everybody is safe and sound. Good night.”

I could sense her lingering. But she didn’t say anything else before she eventually closed the door. My phone buzzed with a text so I rolled over and reached towards my bedside table. The phone number wasn’t familiar.

Always in my heart

Trevor had obviously borrowed someone’s phone, which was sweet. But I got sad at the thought that it might be hers. It was probably Nick’s, but I was still hurt by the possibility that it could have been hers. I replied Love You and then thought about how I was going to fix things as I twisted the ring he gave me around my finger.

In the morning, the light peeked through my curtains and brightened the ceiling patterns that I had been staring at all night. It took every ounce of energy I had to slump out of bed and cross the hall to the bathroom. When I saw my face in the mirror, I actually gasped. The rims of my eyelids were blood-red and the dark circles under my eyes made me look like a desiccated vampire.

I stood in the shower and waited for the water to warm me up. I almost didn’t have the motivation to get back out, but my legs were tired of holding me up, so I turned the water off and put a robe on. I didn’t even dry my hair before I shuffled down the hall towards the kitchen to boil water for tea. Trevor was seated at the kitchen bar. He looked a million times worse than I did.

“Morning, sunshine,” he said hoarsely.

I didn’t respond, partly because I was surprised to see him and partly because I didn’t know where to start. My mom had obviously let him in on her way out and I wondered what he had told her. His dark hair stuck up in different directions and he was wearing the same thing he’d had on the night before. The rock from Britannia Beach that I’d had engraved with the Always In My Heart inscription for him was in his hands. He cradled it in his palm as if it were an injured bird. “Thanks for the birthday present. I love it.”