Patricia Davids - An Amish Noel

Lillian pulled her close. “I’m so glad you did. I shall be on pins and needles the entire month wondering what it is.”

Marietta held out her hand. “Come help me gather the eggs, Amanda.”

“Okay.” She rushed to her mother’s side, and they both went out.

The women spent the next half hour working on the details of the program. After Rebecca and her mother left, Lillian crossed her arms and stared at Emma. “Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Luke Bowman working for your father. That can’t be good.”

“It doesn’t matter to me what Luke does or where he works.”

“It used to matter a lot. You can’t take up with him again, Emma.”

“Who said I was?”

“He’ll break your heart again. Men like him always do.”

There were no other men like Luke Bowman. He was one of a kind.

She rose from her chair and went to stare out the window. “I’m not getting involved with him. He’s not interested in me. He’s been home over a year. If he wanted to walk out with me, he would have asked ages ago, and I would have turned him down. My father is pushing me to wed someone else.”

Lillian sat bolt upright. “What? Who? Why?”

“Wayne Hochstetler. Because it’s time I married. I’m not getting any younger.”

“We are barely twenty-five. We’re not old maids. Not yet.”

“I don’t want to be an old maid, and neither do you.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. I intend to remain single, but we are talking about you. Are you walking out with Wayne?”

“Not yet. This is something his father and my father cooked up between them, but apparently Wayne is on the lookout for a wife.”

Lillian sat back. “He would be with such a young daughter to raise. It might be a good match, Emma. He’s a steady fellow, hardworking and not bad looking. He has a nice farm. You would have a ready-made family.”

Emma couldn’t come up with a thing against him except he wasn’t Luke. “If you think it’s such a good deal, why don’t you marry him?”

“I told you. I’m going to be single and teach school all my days. I love it.”

She rose and went to stand at Emma’s side. Slipping an arm across Emma’s shoulders, Lillian drew her close. “We have been friends a long time. I remember how upset you were when Luke left and didn’t take you with him. I thank God he had that much sense, but I could cheerfully horsewhip him for the pain he caused you.”

“I didn’t know you were such a violent person.”

“Okay, I wouldn’t horsewhip a bug, but I could send Luke Bowman to stand in the corner for the rest of his life.”

Emma managed a smile. “I can see you have the makings of a great teacher. Please don’t worry about me. I’m okay. Having Luke work for my father has stirred up old memories, but that’s all they are. Memories. I live in the here and now. He can’t hurt me.”

“I pray you are right.”

Emma prayed that she was, too.

* * *

Sunday was the off Sunday when there wasn’t a church meeting. The Amish had church every other week. Luke’s family remained at home that day. His father led a quiet morning of prayer and Bible reading. Luke tried to keep his mind on the words his father spoke, but his thoughts kept drifting to Emma and the look on her face before she left with Roy. There had been something in her eyes when she gazed at him. Was it possible that she still cared after the way he’d treated her?

He should have found a gentler way to break it off between them. He had known that she loved him. He had loved her, too, although he never told her that. His feelings for Emma had frightened the wits out of him. Marriage would have tied him to the Amish life forever. She never understood his need to be free from his family’s expectations and from everything Amish that had stifled him. Drugs had given him the feeling of freedom he craved, but only for a while.

If he had allowed her to come with him, it would have ruined her life. Leaving her behind was the only good thing he’d ever done for her. Did she understand that?

It didn’t seem likely, but there had been something in the way she looked at him that gave him hope.

Hope for what?

What was it that he wanted from her? To rekindle their teenage romance? He was too old and too jaded to think that was possible.

Forgiveness? He craved that, but he didn’t expect it. How could he when he had never explained why he left her.

Did he hope for a new friendship with her? Maybe.

None of it mattered if he wasn’t staying in Bowmans Crossing. The closer the time came for him to make a decision about staying the less certain he became of what he was going to do. From the moment he got out of jail, he had been struggling to fit in, to find where he belonged. Once his parole was up, he would be truly free. Free to leave. Free to stay. Which did he want?

His whole life he had rebelled against the strict and narrow Amish world he’d been born into. He’d never felt as if he were a part of it. Only sweet Emma had made it bearable. Her shy smiles, her adorable laugh, those tender stolen kisses. Oh yes, Emma had tempted him to stay, but her love hadn’t been enough.

Luke had grown to envy his Englisch friend, Jim Morgan. It had seemed that Jim and his buddies had a million choices. They had money to spend, cars to take them anywhere they wanted to go. There had been parties, loud music, fun and later there had been drugs, too. The Amish singings and picnics Emma wanted to attend seemed dull as dirt in comparison.

Always a risk taker, Luke dove headfirst into a lifestyle that had seemed too good to be true. And it was.

The occasional party drugs hadn’t been enough after a while. He sought escape more often, and one of Jim’s buddies supplied what he needed. Although Luke had believed he could quit whenever he wanted, he hadn’t been able to do so. In the end, he rejected Emma’s love, lost the respect of his family and his self-respect, too.

And he had no one to blame but himself.

Now, the Lord had led him full circle. He was back at the same crossroads. Stay or go? Which would be best for his family? Their unwavering support and love had given his life new meaning, but did he belong here?

If only he could be sure he wouldn’t fail them again.

At noon, his mother prepared a light meal, and afterward Luke walked down to the riverbank behind the house. The water was frozen a few feet out from the shore, but it was open in a winding path down the center of the river. A flock of mallard ducks flew up from the open water, circled and landed farther downstream, quacking their displeasure at being disturbed. He tossed a stick into the water and watched it drift away.

“What is troubling you, brudder ?”

He recognized Joshua’s voice and turned to see all four of his brothers walking down to join him. “I’m not troubled.”

Joshua stopped a few feet away and folded his arms. “I’ve heard that before. I didn’t buy it then and I’m not buying it now.”

“What gives?” Noah asked. At twenty, he was the youngest of the Bowman sons and the least Amish looking with his short brown hair, English clothes and blue ball cap. He was taking advantage of his rumspringa to enjoy some non-Amish activities, but Luke knew Noah had every intention of joining the faith in a few years.

“Are you thinking of leaving us again?” Trust Samuel to get straight to the point.

“We all want you to stay,” Timothy added quietly. “I hope you know that.”

Luke nodded, unable to speak until he swallowed the lump in his throat. “I know you want me here.”

Samuel laid a hand on Luke’s shoulder. “But?”

“But I wish I knew for certain that I could stay.”