Carrie Weaver - Healing The Md's Heart - Healing the MD's Heart

“Not specifically,” he started, then stopped because he was lying and she knew it. “Okay, yes, I am and we both know why. Like you said before, maybe it’s the circumstances, but you can’t argue that Noah cares a lot about you and you and I…” He tried to find the words to define it and couldn’t. “I don’t know what it is, just that it’s more than either of us expected.”

“And apparently it’s not good,” she said flatly.

“I didn’t say that, but maybe it’s not. You’re the one who told me you were lousy at relationships. Am I supposed to take the chance that doesn’t apply to Noah?”

She flinched as if he’d struck her a blow in a vulnerable spot. “I would never do anything to hurt Noah. And if you believe that, we’re done, not just now, but you need to find yourself a new pediatrician while you’re here.”

“I don’t believe you’d ever do anything deliberately to hurt him,” Duran said, choosing his words carefully. “But I need a guarantee you aren’t going to let him learn to love you and then decide you can’t deal with that or it’s not what you want.”

“For you or for Noah?” Momentarily confused by her snapped question, he didn’t answer right away and she plunged ahead. “This guarantee, is it for you or for Noah? Because I think you’re the one who wants the guarantee, Duran. And you know what? You’re right—I can’t give it to you. So maybe it’s better we end this—whatever it is—right now.”

Spinning away from him, she started back the way they’d come. Duran caught her in two paces, grasping her arm to turn her back to him. “Is that what you want? Because it sure as hell isn’t what I want.”

“No,” she said, so softly he wasn’t sure he’d heard her answer. She looked shaken and he could feel the effort she was making to hold herself stiffly, to keep her control. “But you aren’t the only one who’s afraid of getting hurt. I do care—a lot more than I should—and I don’t even want to think about how I could hurt either of you. I don’t want to think about how you could hurt me, either, when you decide it’s time for you to leave. So, no, it’s not what I want. But maybe it’s the best thing for both of us.”

She pulled herself free from his grip and quickly strode into the darkness, leaving him there alone.

Lia watched as the technician injected another needle into Sawyer’s arm. “Only a little more,” Lia told Sawyer. “We’ll send these last samples off to Albuquerque and have the results soon. These are the last steps to making sure you’re a perfect match for Noah. I don’t think there will be any problems, but this is too important not to double-check.”

“All done, just press this cotton ball to that spot for a few minutes,” the technician instructed as she withdrew the needle. She capped the last vial, gathered up her carrying tray and turned to leave, smiling over her shoulder at Lia’s thanks.

When she’d gone, Sawyer rolled down his shirtsleeve and got off the table. “So, did you have fun at the party the other night?”

“Sure, why do you ask?” Lia busied herself thumbing through Sawyer’s chart and making notes.

“I don’t know, it just seemed like there was some tension between you and Duran when you left.”

She looked up at him. “Is Maya’s emotional ESP infectious or what?”

Sawyer laughed. “I hope not. But I have to say, ever since we’ve been married I seem to pick up on people’s moods more and more. She’s like an emotional barometer for anyone who gets within three feet of her. And you know how frighteningly accurate her readings can be.”

“I do know. I admit sometimes I try to keep my distance.”

“I can’t say I blame you. You should try living with her. Talk about feeling like cellophane. She sees right through me before I say a word.”

“Yikes. I don’t think I could handle that.”

“Why’s that? What have you got to hide?”

Lia sighed and thought about the question. She could lie to him and say nothing. Or she could tell him the truth and say just about everything. She didn’t want anyone to know how her childhood, most of her past experiences with relationships for that matter, had been disastrous, leaving her terrified to believe she might actually one day be successful at one.

“That I’m a coward,” she admitted finally.

“Could have fooled me. How, exactly?”

“The other night, at the party—” she began, moving to half sit on the side of the patient table. “Duran hinted at wanting to pursue some kind of relationship with me.” Her sarcasm didn’t go unnoticed. “And I shut him down.”

“Why? He seems like a really good guy. And it’s obvious he’s interested in you.”

“Maybe. And yes, he is a really good guy. Too good, as far as I’m concerned.”

“I think I’m missing something here.”

“He’s done everything right. He had the picture-book childhood, he’s raised Noah and dealt with all his medical crises alone, and he’s a great father. He knows how to love someone.”

“And those are bad things?”

“No, of course not. But frankly that puts his standards for what he expects out of a relationship pretty high and I don’t want to put myself in a position of feeling I can’t measure up.”

“Is that it?” Obviously skeptical, Sawyer studied her a moment then touched her arm. “Lia, I know things didn’t work out with Tonio. We have some pretty long nights at the fire station. He told me you ended it because you couldn’t—or—wouldn’t commit.” He paused, as though giving her a moment to deny it. When she didn’t, he added, “I also know it’s not the first time you’ve done that with someone who might have made you happy. So, I don’t mean to be blunt, but what’s the real problem?”

Feeling suddenly exposed and entirely uncomfortable with the turn of conversation, Lia withdrew. She liked Sawyer; there had been a time, before he’d gotten involved with Maya, that they’d briefly dated. But back then, he’d been as or more skittish as her about getting seriously involved and any potential for a romantic relationship between them had led nowhere. Now she counted him as a friend but she didn’t want to spill all her insecurities to him.

She slid off the table, the chart in her hand now pressed against her chest like a shield. “Some people just aren’t meant for all of that—commitment, marriage, happily ever after.”

“Some people don’t allow themselves to find out if they’re meant for it or not. I almost didn’t. But look at Maya and me now.”

“You and Maya are different. My family…” She shook her head.

Sawyer let out a rueful laugh. “Come on, Lia, you’ve met Shem and Azure. Maya’s parents aren’t even in the realm of normal by anyone’s definition. She grew up in a three-ring hippy circus. And Jed, my mother and my family? If you’re trying to compare any issues you grew up with against my zoo of a family, we both know I win hands down.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that.”

“Maybe, I don’t know all that much about your family. But I gave Maya a chance and she did the same for me. Isn’t it fair to Duran—and to yourself—to at least give him a chance?”

The challenge in his words penetrated her being as she turned to the door. Her back to him, she answered as casually as she could. “I’ll think about it. I’m sorry but I have to go see my next patient. Be sure to drink some orange juice and have something to eat.”

“Lia—”

She glanced over her shoulder, shot him an unconvincing smile. “Say hi to Maya, okay?”

She left before he could come up with another argument to convince her, her emotions and thoughts in turmoil she wouldn’t be sorting out any time soon.