Nancy Bartholomew - Stella, Get Your Gun

She slipped into a chair beside Lloyd and stroked one of his paws. Lloyd growled softly, afraid she was going to undo his sudden good fortune.

“Oh, you poor, dear sweetie,” she said with a light giggle. “You always did like your food, now, didn’t you?”

Her face clouded over for a second. “You know, that was part of your problem. You ate all those things that weren’t good for you, like Vienna sausage and potted meat.” She gripped Lloyd’s paw a little tighter and stared right into his big, brown doggie eyes. “That’s turkey bacon you’re eating, you know,” she said. “You can’t even tell the difference, can you?”

I took a long pull on my coffee and tried to figure out an approach to dealing with Aunt Lucy. Surely to goodness, Glenn Ford had grown enough to include at least one psychiatrist.

“Yep,” I said as I leaned back in my chair and stretched, attempting to appear very casual about Aunt Lucy’s sudden departure from reality. “Old Lloyd’s a good dog.”

I stressed the word dog. Aunt Lucy turned away from Lloyd for a second and focused on me.

“Let’s not be too concrete,” she said, her voice tightening. “Do you or do you not believe in reincarnation?”

My head was pounding. This was going to be another long day.

“Well, I, um, I guess I never really gave it too much thought, Aunt Lucy. You know, with us being Catholic, I sort of figured the Blessed Virgin story was enough to handle without actually venturing into the afterlife and all.”

Aunt Lucy released Lloyd’s paw and brought both hands down hard on the table. “Horse pucky!” she said in a loud, firm tone.

“Horse pucky, the part about the Blessed Virgin?” I asked, knowing with a certainty that this was not at all what she meant.

“Stella Luna Maria Valocchi,” Aunt Lucy said, “you know exactly what I mean! Wake up and smell the coffee! This is the twenty-first century. Get with the program!” Aunt Lucy gestured in Lloyd’s direction. “Don’t tell me you don’t know who that is! Look in his eyes and tell me that isn’t your uncle Benny.”

Aunt Lucy sighed and reached for Lloyd’s paw again. He was finished eating, so he licked her fingers, either thanking her or looking for forgotten food morsels. To Aunt Lucy it was a sign from the great beyond.

“You see!” she cried triumphantly. “He always kissed me after he ate!”

Behind us someone snorted softly. Nina, her hair looking exactly as it had yesterday, wild and unkempt, stood framed in the doorway. Her mascara was smeared into raccoon rings of thick black around her bloodshot blue eyes, giving her a decidedly dangerous appearance.

“You see?” she muttered as she passed behind my chair on her way to the coffee pot. “Like a loon.”

I put my head in my hands and closed my eyes. Clearly I had done something terrible to piss God off to this extent. What other reason could there be for leaving me here in my aunt’s kitchen, the sudden defender of the Catholic faith?

“Well, Aunt Lucy,” I began, “I don’t know about the afterlife. I mean, I don’t think none of us can say for certain what happens, but I’ve known Lloyd for about a year now, and in all that time, he’s always been a dog.”

Nina had poured her coffee and was leaning against the counter, just out of Aunt Lucy’s sight, rolling her eyes. Lloyd moaned softly and let loose with a thick doggie belch.

“You see?” Aunt Lucy said. “Benny always had the heartburn.”

Nina was shaking her head and making circular coo-coo motions with her left index finger. I ignored her and turned my attention back to Aunt Lucy’s mental status. Aunt Lucy could not be crazy, at least not permanently.

“You know,” I said, ready to try again, “I don’t think Uncle Benny would come back so quick. I mean, isn’t there some sort of waiting period, like an orientation process? Besides, Lloyd has his own soul. What would happen to it if Uncle Benny took over? Don’t they reincarnate you into a new body, you know, so you start with a clean slate?”

Aunt Lucy frowned, then with a sudden quick motion, reached across the table and slapped me upside my head.

“Is that what your Uncle Benny paid that college for? So you could come out with a closed mind? Think a little, Stella! That dog and your uncle ain’t so very different. They are of like minds. Didn’t you ever hear of that phenomenon before? Like minds, where two think as one? That’s how come they can accommodate so many people in so few bodies! It’s your communal unconscious. I saw it on the Discovery channel.”

Aunt Lucy grinned. “I hope I come back as a kitty,” she said, giving Lloyd a flirty look. “Then your uncle Benny here can chase me around the house. Just like the old days, eh, honey?” She laughed until tears flowed down her cheeks.

I didn’t know what to do. Nina certainly wasn’t going to be of any help. Hell, she was what, twenty years old? I had no doubt she’d be on the next plane back to L.A. Aunt Lucy was clearly non-compos mentis, or at least temporarily out to lunch. And Lloyd was currently very content to masquerade as my uncle.

I took a deep breath and decided to ignore the reincarnation delusion for the time being.

“Aunt Lucy,” I said, “we need to make sure all of Uncle Benny’s affairs are in order. You know, make sure he gave you power of attorney, get the will probated and take care of the paperwork part of all this….” I let my voice trail off for a second, then continued. “I’d be glad to help you with it if you want.” Hell, in her current state, she might decide Lloyd would make all the decisions.

Before she could answer, I jumped in. “I doubt Lloyd can read, and anyway, Uncle Benny’s got enough stress just getting used to his new life. The least we can do is sort out the details.”

Aunt Lucy smiled softly. “It’s all right if you don’t believe me, Stella,” she said. “You’re a good girl. You remind me of your uncle the way you take care of me.” Her eyes softened and filled with unshed tears. “I would appreciate it if you would look things over, just so you and your uncle’s executor can be on the same page about everything. Benny’s papers are in the desk in the study.” She glanced at Lloyd, then back at me. “Oh, and Stella?”

“Yeah, Aunt Lucy?”

“Even a moron knows dogs can’t read! There are limitations, you know. Reincarnation doesn’t mean a dog suddenly has superpowers. What do you think I am, nuts?”

With this, Aunt Lucy stood up and walked back to her place by the stove. “Sit down and quit making them faces, Nina,” she said, reaching over to smack her with a wooden spoon. “You think I couldn’t see your reflection in the toaster?”

Nina scurried out of Aunt Lucy’s reach, slid into a chair at the table and buried her face in the morning paper.

“I’m making eggs and turkey bacon,” Aunt Lucy said. “Any objections?” Neither of us said a word. “Good,” she said. “Then later, Nina, you can do the dishes while Stella looks over your uncle’s papers. I’m taking Benny fishing.”

Lloyd looked at me and grinned, clearly pleased with his new life.

“You’d better watch it,” I warned him in a whisper. “What goes around comes around. Don’t get all cocky—this is temporary.”

Nina raised her head and looked at the two of us. “What? She’s got you talking to the dog now?”

I made a face at Nina and turned back to my coffee. I was making a mental to-do list: sort out Uncle Benny’s legal affairs so Aunt Lucy could understand them and run her life. Take Aunt Lucy to a psychiatrist so she could tell real from imaginary, and find out what kind of maniac would murder a kindly old man like my uncle. The other, less pressing questions could get sorted out later—like why I always picked the wrong men and what I should do with the rest of my life.