C. Williams - Flowers for the Dead

I drop the curtains again and move back under the blanket.

I only imagined it.

The sweat dries. It leaves sticky patches in the dip between my collarbones, on top of my breasts, beneath my arms and at the seam of my panties. Slowly, I close my eyes. I listen for sounds. A breeze strokes through the naked boughs of the trees. Wood creaks. It’s not the stairs. It’s no one coming up the stairs. It is just the trees. Just the trees and their long shadows.

The sweat is cooling on my skin. It prickles.

It is a summer day in the year 1988. Three children are running up the High Street, out of breath. They are giggling as they turn into Cobblestone Snicket to hide, two girls and a boy. The heat lurks in the narrow alley, the air oppressive. A thunderstorm may be coming. Everyone is wearing shorts, skirts and crop tops, humming ‘I Should Be So Lucky’ .

The kids all try to peek back around the corner at the same time. ‘Move, Linn,’ the boy hisses, ‘I can’t see!’

‘Shhh,’ Linn, the girl in front, says to the boy, her dark eyes wide and curious. ‘Shh, Anna!’ to the other girl.

The other girl’s blonde hair is falling down onto her shoulders and she’s whispering, ‘Don’t let them catch us, please don’t …’

Five houses down, a front door is thrown open. A woman in her forties, she seems ancient to these kids, steps out. Her son is watching from the window. He is their best friend, Jay is, but he has been grounded. His mother is wearing a brown cardigan and frameless glasses, sweating in the heatwave. ‘I know you are there!’ the woman calls out. Her name is Mrs Mason. She is their teacher in kindergarten, teaches them colours and songs and the clock, which is really hard. Now her doorbell had rung just like the stupid fake clock she brings into kindergarten with her to bully them. Ding, ding, ding, three short chimes. Linn giggles.

Mrs Mason steps out of her doorway. Anna’s murmuring turns louder. ‘Please, God, help us, make her not see us, make her not see us …’

‘Come out!’ Mrs Mason calls again. Anna slinks back further into the alley, praying in another language now, one Linn doesn’t understand. Teo is clutching Linn’s shoulders. ‘What do we do?’ he whispers. ‘She’s coming right at us!’

His brown eyes widen as he sees how close Mrs Mason is already, her flat shoes making funny sounds on the pavement. ‘Come on, Linn!’

Teo takes her hand and pulls her with him, following Anna, who’s already well ahead. They run down the narrow alley, pushing through the stifling heat, emerging on the other side into the parking lot of the supermarket. It is new and shiny, and they run up to it and inside and pretend to be looking at the sweets machine. The sweat prickles as it dries on their skin. Anna is looking so hard at the sweets, Linn is afraid her eyes will pop out like the chewing gums pop out of the machine. Teo keeps clutching her sleeve and Anna’s, and then Anna takes Linn’s hand. ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ is playing over the speakers.

Finally, Anna glances up and grins, in her pretty floral dress and her pretty ponytails. ‘Ding, ding, ding,’ she whispers, and the three kids start giggling until they are out of breath all over again. ‘Ding, ding, ding.’

When I wake up in the morning, I’m sticky all over. It takes my eyes a while to focus on the ceiling. And for my brain to remember what happened last night.

What I imagined, anyway. I lie in the damp sheets, breathing more heavily than I should. I did not expect the first night to be easy, but I will deal with the nightmares. I’ve dealt with them before. They are a price I am willing to pay. And the begonias look bright and purple in the daylight, and the deadly nightshade is buried deep in the nightstand drawer.

‘Good morning,’ I say to the begonias, determinedly cheerful, taking them to the bathroom to make sure they get their breakfast. Then I go down to put on the washing machine for the sweaty sheets. There is only a little detergent left. As I stand bent over my parents’ old machine, in that basement, naked light bulbs casting dark shadows into the corners, I tell myself that I cannot feel fingers of sweat on my body. On my eyelids.

Hurrying back upstairs and into the bathroom, I tell myself I can still try and find a hotel in the area, should the nightmares get worse. Although that would be too expensive, I fear. And there are no friends I could bother.

There were only ever the three of them, really, weren’t there? Anna, Jacob, Teoman.

One of whom has come back, too.

Teo.

Standing naked in the bathroom, waiting for the water to turn hot, I watch the frost flowers on the windows while I remember them. Teoman and Anna and Jay. My best friends for as long as I could remember.

Teo. The only one the police ever arrested.

Involuntarily, I shiver. The Detective Inspector let him go the next day and said all the evidence pointed to a stranger. Maybe the DNA sample could have helped, but it was contaminated. Got mixed up in the lab. Human error. All too human.

I never asked Graham what made him take Teo in. What made him let him go.

I didn’t want to know.

Besides, it didn’t matter, did it? We thought it was a stranger.

Now, things look a little different.

Every muscle in my body cramps up. As I step into the shower, I resolve to speak to Graham as soon as I can. Find out what he thought about it, about them: Anna, Jacob, Teo. And we all went to see Miss Luca, too, afterwards, so she’s someone to speak to.

After the shower, I make some porridge with the blueberries I brought from London, listening to my favourite Dresden Dolls song, ‘Girl Anachronism’. Some of the blueberries are already mouldy. Today, groceries, no matter what. When I’ve breakfasted, I put on a pair of wellies, grab the car keys from the mud room and go out.

The cold folds around my body like the clammy sheets in the night. Lifting my shoulders, I wrap my coat more closely around me. It’s a city coat. Useless. But at least the fog has lifted. I can see the hollow lying before me, the front porch surrounded by dead grass covered in hoar frost, and the brown circular driveway up to the top. The wood of the porch creaks under my shoes, the soles loosening thin splinters of wood.

My hands are still cramping as I get into the car, no matter how forcefully I rub my palms. I start up the engine, go up the drive and onto the main road. It’s Sunday, so Graham won’t be at the station. Where did Kaitlin say Miss Luca lived? Corner of Meadowside and Foster Lane, wasn’t it? Maybe it’s time to pay her a visit.

I thought of her as old back then, but she can’t have been much older than thirty. She wrote me a letter, after Oliver and I had moved, recommending a few therapists close to his university, but I never phoned them up. I know what you must think, but I was already struggling to feed our fish. Even though the aquarium had been my idea. As I sit in the car, the corner of my mouth twitches upwards as I remember. I’d wanted something to care for, some company, too. We had one fish we’d called Buttercup, a big yellow one, our favourite.

When I found Buttercup swimming upside down three months after we’d moved in, Oliver suggested I get rid of the aquarium and try with a cactus first. He grinned as he said it, but his eyes were worried, and I knew what he was thinking: I wasn’t even capable of taking care of a fish. How would I take care of myself?

I turn into Meadowside and make my way past the kindergarten. There is a kindergarten not far from our flat in Leyton. I remember how Oliver would stop at the playground to watch the children. He had worked at a children’s hospital for a few years, bringing home drawings all the time, of small stick people with blond and black hair holding the hand of a stick person with no hair at all, laughing at his own baldness.