Anthony Trollope - 3 books to know Horatian Satire

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DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs in combination with the word jod or god, meaning "joy." It would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities.

DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.

DANGER, n.

A savage beast which, when it sleeps,

Man girds at and despises,

But takes himself away by leaps

And bounds when it arises.

Ambat Delaso

DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.

DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words Datum Romae. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.

DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper—the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.

DEAD, adj.

Done with the work of breathing; done

With all the world; the mad race run

Through to the end; the golden goal

Attained and found to be a hole!

Squatol Johnes

DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.

DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver.

As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet

Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,

Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,

Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;

So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,

Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,

Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,

And finds at last he might as well have paid it.

Barlow S. Vode

DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number—just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.

Thou shalt no God but me adore:

'Twere too expensive to have more.

No images nor idols make

For Robert Ingersoll to break.

Take not God's name in vain; select

A time when it will have effect.

Work not on Sabbath days at all,

But go to see the teams play ball.

Honor thy parents. That creates

For life insurance lower rates.

Kill not, abet not those who kill;

Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.

Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless

Thine own thy neighbor doth caress

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete

Successfully in business. Cheat.

Bear not false witness—that is low—

But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."

Covet thou naught that thou hast not

By hook or crook, or somehow, got.

G.J.

DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.

A leaf was riven from a tree,

"I mean to fall to earth," said he.

The west wind, rising, made him veer.

"Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer."

The east wind rose with greater force.

Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course."

With equal power they contend.

He said: "My judgment I suspend."

Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,

Cried: "I've decided to fall straight."

"First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral;

Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.

Howe'er your choice may chance to fall,

You'll have no hand in it at all.

G.J.

DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.

DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack.

DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps why they suffered him to beg his bread—a marked instance of returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he would certainly have starved.

DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment.

DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.

DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced.

DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.

DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world.

DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters.

All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee

The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;

For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,

Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.

Mumfrey Mappel

DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of dust.

"Chief Deputy," the Master cried,

"To-day the books are to be tried

By experts and accountants who

Have been commissioned to go through

Our office here, to see if we

Have stolen injudiciously.

Please have the proper entries made,

The proper balances displayed,

Conforming to the whole amount

Of cash on hand—which they will count.

I've long admired your punctual way—

Here at the break and close of day,

Confronting in your chair the crowd

Of business men, whose voices loud

And gestures violent you quell

By some mysterious, calm spell—

Some magic lurking in your look

That brings the noisiest to book

And spreads a holy and profound

Tranquillity o'er all around.

So orderly all's done that they

Who came to draw remain to pay.