Thulani Tomose - Liberation after 20 years of war in my head

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The Lost Sister

In December 1999, my brother and mother flew to South Africa during the winter holidays. Unfortunately I couldn’t join them as I had only two weeks off from school. I called my sister, my brother and my mother at Christmas and got the great news that I would become an aunt. My sister was six months pregnant. I was very happy for her and congratulated her cordially. I also tried to reach everyone for New Year’s Day, but the net was overloaded. I celebrated the New Year with friends in Lucerne. On January 1, 2000, I tried again to reach my mother but she didn’t answer the phone. And my sister had her phone turned off. I tried it afterwards at my aunt’s house. There I reached my cousin Aphiwe. I was relieved, because I was beginning to feel worried. I greeted her and wished her a happy new year. Subsequently I asked about my family and told her that I hadn’t reached anyone yet.

She cried and said nothing. I tried to calm her down so she could tell me why she was crying, but she said nothing and cried on. I decided to end the phone call. Afterwards, I called my Aunt Nozintombi on her cell phone. She didn’t answer and that was very weird. I hung up, fearing that something was wrong and finally rang Thomas. He had already tried to reach me several times in the morning, but I was still asleep and hadn’t called back yet. He answered the phone and was relieved that I called him back.

He said I should come home. I wanted to know why, because it was New Year’s Day and he had allowed me to go out with my friends and celebrate and come home first thing in the morning. I told him I’d come home later, that I was angry and I didn’t understand why I had to be back so early although we’d made another arrangement. Still, I set off, and he said he’d come back for me and pick me up at the station. A friend of mine was with me, and I told him he didn’t need to pick me up at the station.

When we arrived home, Thomas insisted that my girlfriend should go home. He’d prefer to be alone to talk to me. I replied that I had no secrets from her so he could talk. But Thomas was not to be talked to. My girlfriend might come back later, but now he wanted to be alone and talk to me. My girlfriend left and Thomas told me to sit down and asked if I wanted a glass of water.

He put a plane ticket on the table. I took it and looked at it. My name was on the ticket. I looked at the envelope and saw that the flight was already for the next afternoon from Zurich to East London via Johannesburg. I was so happy, I jumped up and hugged him. I told him that he really managed this surprise. “What have I done to deserve this?” I asked him, still in disbelief.

He just looked at me and gave free rein to my joy, without interrupting me. I asked him what Mommy would say about that as I had just one more week of school holidays. My mother would agree, Thomas replied and I shouldn’t worry. He also said he’d talk to my teacher. I was so happy and could hardly wait to deliver this great news to my friend.

Then Thomas said he had something to talk to me about. Suddenly I saw him crying. I got scared and asked what was going on. He replied that something had happened to my family in South Africa.

I also started crying and wanted to know what was going on. Why was he crying? “Is something wrong with Mommy?”

He told me about an accident and that my sister had been shot. She died in Sylvester’s night.

I got sick. I ran into the bathroom with my legs trembling and vomited into the toilet. Thomas brought me a glass of water wanted either to sit or lay me down. He helped me up and took me back to the living room. I didn’t want to believe it. I screamed, I cried my eyes out in frustration but it didn’t help. Thomas held me and tried by all means to get me to calm down.

At some point, I didn’t have any more tears. I asked where and why it had happened. I stayed seated and I wanted to know everything, but I couldn’t take it anymore. My nerves couldn’t deal with it. I collapsed into myself and I don’t know what happened next. I woke up the next morning and Thomas was sitting next to me. I was in the hospital. I asked Thomas what was happening and why I was here. I didn’t feel sick. He told me I’d had a nervous breakdown and had passed out.

I wished so badly that it was all just a nightmare, but unfortunately it was the bitter reality. I felt a little calmer inside and noticed that I had been sedated. I wanted to go home and be alone as soon as possible. Thomas accepted my wish and spoke with the doctors, who agreed to my early release. They offered me other tranquilizers. I refused because I’m not a friend of pills. We drove back home and Thomas made me a soothing tea and prepared breakfast. I couldn’t eat. I just drank the tea and urged Thomas to tell me that none of this was true.

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