Knowledge house - Oscar Wilde - The Complete Works

·97· lady hunstanton

Ah! that is always a nice distraction, is it not? Now, what are you talking about, Lord Illingworth? Do tell us.

lord illingworth

I was on the point of explaining to Gerald that the world has always laughed at its own tragedies, that being the only way in which it has been able to bear them. And that, consequently, whatever the world has treated seriously belongs to the comedy side of things.

lady hunstanton

Now I am quite out of my depth. I usually am when Lord Illingworth says anything. And the Humane Society is most careless. They never rescue me. I am left to sink. I have a dim idea, dear Lord Illingworth, that you are always on the side of the sinners, and I know I always try to be on the side of the saints, but that is as far as I get. And after all, it may be merely the fancy of a drowning person.

lord illingworth

The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

lady hunstanton

Ah! that quite does for me. I haven’t a word to say. You and I, dear Mrs. Arbuthnot, are ·98· behind the age. We can’t follow Lord Illingworth. Too much care was taken with our education, I am afraid. To have been well brought up is a great drawback now-a-days. It shuts one out from so much.

mrs. arbuthnot

I should be sorry to follow Lord Illingworth in any of his opinions.

lady hunstanton

You are quite right, dear.

[ Gerald shrugs his shoulders and looks irritably over at his mother. Enter Lady Caroline .]

lady caroline

Jane, have you seen John anywhere?

lady hunstanton

You needn’t be anxious about him, dear. He is with Lady Stutfield; I saw them some time ago, in the Yellow Drawing-room. They seem quite happy together. You are not going, Caroline? Pray sit down.

lady caroline

I think I had better look after John.

[ Exit Lady Caroline .]

lady hunstanton

It doesn’t do to pay men so much attention. And Caroline has really nothing to be anxious ·99· about. Lady Stutfield is very sympathetic. She is just as sympathetic about one thing as she is about another. A beautiful nature.

[ Enter Sir John and Mrs. Allonby .]

Ah! here is Sir John! And with Mrs. Allonby too! I suppose it was Mrs. Allonby I saw him with. Sir John, Caroline has been looking everywhere for you.

mrs. allonby

We have been waiting for her in the Music-room, dear Lady Hunstanton.

lady hunstanton

Ah! the Music-room, of course. I thought it was the Yellow Drawing-room, my memory is getting so defective. [ To the Archdeacon .] Mrs. Daubeny has a wonderful memory, hasn’t she?

the archdeacon

She used to be quite remarkable for her memory, but since her last attack she recalls chiefly the events of her early childhood. But she finds great pleasure in such retrospections, great pleasure.

[ Enter Lady Stutfield and Mr. Kelvil .]

lady hunstanton

Ah! dear Lady Stutfield! and what has Mr. Kelvil been talking to you about?

lady stutfield

About Bimetallism, as well as I remember.

·100· lady hunstanton

Bimetallism! Is that quite a nice subject? However, I know people discuss everything very freely now-a-days. What did Sir John talk to you about, dear Mrs. Allonby?

mrs. allonby

About Patagonia.

lady hunstanton

Really? What a remote topic! But very improving, I have no doubt.

mrs. allonby

He has been most interesting on the subject of Patagonia. Savages seem to have quite the same views as cultured people on almost all subjects. They are excessively advanced.

lady hunstanton

What do they do?

mrs. allonby

Apparently everything.

lady hunstanton

Well, it is very gratifying, dear Archdeacon, is it not, to find that Human Nature is permanently one.—On the whole, the world is the same world, is it not?

lord illingworth

The world is simply divided into two classes—·101·those who believe the incredible, like the public—and those who do the improbable——

mrs. allonby

Like yourself?

lord illingworth

Yes; I am always astonishing myself. It is the only thing that makes life worth living.

lady stutfield

And what have you been doing lately that astonishes you?

lord illingworth

I have been discovering all kinds of beautiful qualities in my own nature.

mrs. allonby

Ah! don’t become quite perfect all at once. Do it gradually!

lord illingworth

I don’t intend to grow perfect at all. At least, I hope I sha’n’t. It would be most inconvenient. Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects.

mrs. allonby

It is premature to ask us to forgive analysis. ·102· We forgive adoration; that is quite as much as should be expected from us.

[ Enter Lord Alfred. He joins Lady Stutfield .]

lady hunstanton

Ah! we women should forgive everything, shouldn’t we, dear Mrs. Arbuthnot? I am sure you agree with me in that.

mrs. arbuthnot

I do not, Lady Hunstanton. I think there are many things women should never forgive.

lady hunstanton

What sort of things?

mrs. arbuthnot

The ruin of another woman’s life.

[ Moves slowly away to back of stage .]

lady hunstanton

Ah! those things are very sad, no doubt, but I believe there are admirable homes where people of that kind are looked after and reformed, and I think on the whole that the secret of life is to take things very, very easily.

mrs. allonby

The secret of life is never to have an emotion that is unbecoming.

·103· lady stutfield

The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived.

kelvil

The secret of life is to resist temptation, Lady Stutfield.

lord illingworth

There is no secret of life. Life’s aim, if it has one, is simply to be always looking for temptations. There are not nearly enough. I sometimes pass a whole day without coming across a single one. It is quite dreadful. It makes one so nervous about the future.

lady hunstanton

[ Shakes her fan at him .] I don’t know how it is, dear Lord Illingworth, but everything you have said to-day seems to me excessively immoral. It has been most interesting, listening to you.

lord illingworth

All thought is immoral. Its very essence is destruction. If you think of anything, you kill it. Nothing survives being thought of.

lady hunstanton

I don’t understand a word, Lord Illingworth. But I have no doubt it is all quite true. Personally, I have very little to reproach myself with, on the score of thinking. I don’t believe in women ·104· thinking too much. Women should think in moderation, as they should do all things in moderation.

lord illingworth

Moderation is a fatal thing, Lady Hunstanton. Nothing succeeds like excess.

lady hunstanton

I hope I shall remember that. It sounds an admirable maxim. But I’m beginning to forget everything. It’s a great misfortune.

lord illingworth

It is one of your most fascinating qualities, Lady Hunstanton. No woman should have a memory. Memory in a woman is the beginning of dowdiness. One can always tell from a woman’s bonnet whether she has got a memory or not.

lady hunstanton

How charming you are, dear Lord Illingworth. You always find out that one’s most glaring fault is one’s most important virtue. You have the most comforting views of life.

[ Enter Farquhar .]

farquhar

Doctor Daubeny’s carriage!

lady hunstanton

My dear Archdeacon! It is only half-past ten.

·105· the archdeacon