Knowledge house - Oscar Wilde - The Complete Works

mrs. allonby

Ah, I never listen!

lord illingworth

My dear boy, if I didn’t like you I wouldn’t have made you the offer. It is because I like you so much that I want to have you with me.

[ Exit Hester with Gerald .]

Charming fellow, Gerald Arbuthnot!

mrs. allonby

He is very nice; very nice indeed. But I can’t stand the American young lady.

·32· lord illingworth

Why?

mrs. allonby

She told me yesterday, and in quite a loud voice too, that she was only eighteen. It was most annoying.

lord illingworth

One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.

mrs. allonby

She is a Puritan besides——

lord illingworth

Ah, that is inexcusable. I don’t mind plain women being Puritans. It is the only excuse they have for being plain. But she is decidedly pretty. I admire her immensely. [ Looks stedfastly at Mrs. Allonby .]

mrs. allonby

What a thoroughly bad man you must be!

lord illingworth

What do you call a bad man?

·33· mrs. allonby

The sort of man who admires innocence.

lord illingworth

And a bad woman?

mrs. allonby

Oh! the sort of woman a man never gets tired of.

lord illingworth

You are severe—on yourself.

mrs. allonby

Define us as a sex.

lord illingworth

Sphinxes without secrets.

mrs. allonby

Does that include the Puritan women?

lord illingworth

Do you know, I don’t believe in the existence of Puritan women? I don’t think there is a woman in the world who would not be a little flattered if one made love to her. It is that which makes women so irresistibly adorable.

·34· mrs. allonby

You think there is no woman in the world who would object to being kissed?

lord illingworth

Very few.

mrs. allonby

Miss Worsley would not let you kiss her.

lord illingworth

Are you sure?

mrs. allonby

Quite.

lord illingworth

What do you think she’d do if I kissed her?

mrs. allonby

Either marry you, or strike you across the face with her glove. What would you do if she struck you across the face with her glove?

lord illingworth

Fall in love with her, probably.

mrs. allonby

Then it is lucky you are not going to kiss her!

·35· lord illingworth

Is that a challenge?

mrs. allonby

It is an arrow shot into the air.

lord illingworth

Don’t you know that I always succeed in whatever I try?

mrs. allonby

I am sorry to hear it. We women adore failures. They lean on us.

lord illingworth

You worship successes. You cling to them.

mrs. allonby

We are the laurels to hide their baldness.

lord illingworth

And they need you always, except at the moment of triumph.

mrs. allonby

They are uninteresting then.

lord illingworth

How tantalising you are! [ A pause .]

·36· mrs. allonby

Lord Illingworth, there is one thing I shall always like you for.

lord illingworth

Only one thing? And I have so many bad qualities.

mrs. allonby

Ah, don’t be too conceited about them. You may lose them as you grow old.

lord illingworth

I never intend to grow old. The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.

mrs. allonby

And the body is born young and grows old. That is life’s tragedy.

lord illingworth

Its comedy also, sometimes. But what is the mysterious reason why you will always like me?

mrs. allonby

It is that you have never made love to me.

lord illingworth

I have never done anything else.

·37· mrs. allonby

Really? I have not noticed it.

lord illingworth

How fortunate! It might have been a tragedy for both of us.

mrs. allonby

We should each have survived.

lord illingworth

One can survive everything now-a-days, except death, and live down anything except a good reputation.

mrs. allonby

Have you tried a good reputation?

lord illingworth

It is one of the many annoyances to which I have never been subjected.

mrs. allonby

It may come.

lord illingworth

Why do you threaten me?

·38· mrs. allonby

I will tell you when you have kissed the Puritan.

[ Enter Footman .]

francis

Tea is served in the Yellow Drawing-room, my lord.

lord illingworth

Tell her ladyship we are coming in.

francis

Yes, my lord. [ Exit .]

lord illingworth

Shall we go in to tea?

mrs. allonby

Do you like such simple pleasures?

lord illingworth

I adore simple pleasures. They are the last refuge of the complex. But, if you wish, let us stay here. Yes, let us stay here. The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden.

mrs. allonby

It ends with Revelations.

·39· lord illingworth

You fence divinely. But the button has come off your foil.

mrs. allonby

I have still the mask.

lord illingworth

It makes your eyes lovelier.

mrs. allonby

Thank you. Come.

lord illingworth

[ Sees Mrs. Arbuthnot’s letter on table, and takes it up and looks at envelope .] What a curious handwriting! It reminds me of the handwriting of a woman I used to know years ago.

mrs. allonby

Who?

lord illingworth

Oh! no one. No one in particular. A woman of no importance. [ Throws letter down, and passes up the steps of the terrace with Mrs. Allonby. They smile at each other .]

Act-drop.



·43· SCENE—Drawing-room at Hunstanton, after dinner, lamps lit. Door L.C. Door R.C.

[ Ladies seated on sofas .]

mrs. allonby

What a comfort it is to have got rid of the men for a little!

lady stutfield

Yes; men persecute us dreadfully, don’t they?

mrs. allonby

Persecute us? I wish they did.

lady hunstanton

My dear!

mrs. allonby

The annoying thing is that the wretches can be perfectly happy without us. That is why I think it is every woman’s duty never to leave them ·44· alone for a single moment, except during this short breathing space after dinner; without which I believe we poor women would be absolutely worn to shadows.

[ Enter Servants with coffee .]

lady hunstanton

Worn to shadows, dear?

mrs. allonby

Yes, Lady Hunstanton. It is such a strain keeping men up to the mark. They are always trying to escape from us.

lady stutfield

It seems to me that it is we who are always trying to escape from them. Men are so very, very heartless. They know their power and use it.

lady caroline

[ Takes coffee from Servant .] What stuff and nonsense all this about men is! The thing to do is to keep men in their proper place.

mrs. allonby

But what is their proper place, Lady Caroline?

lady caroline

Looking after their wives, Mrs. Allonby.

·45· mrs. allonby

[ Takes coffee from Servant .] Really? And if they’re not married?

lady caroline

If they are not married, they should be looking after a wife. It’s perfectly scandalous the amount of bachelors who are going about society. There should be a law passed to compel them all to marry within twelve months.

lady stutfield

[ Refuses coffee .] But if they’re in love with some one who, perhaps, is tied to another?

lady caroline

In that case, Lady Stutfield, they should be married off in a week to some plain respectable girl, in order to teach them not to meddle with other people’s property.