Josephine Cox - Born Bad

‘Mammy! You have to come and see!’ Tom was insistent. ‘You have to come and help us feed the ducks!’

‘That’s enough, Tom.’ Harry could see how tired his wife was. ‘I told you we might have to leave it for another day. Your mammy needs to rest. We must take her home.’ Harry was desperate to get her settled and comfortable. ‘We’ll maybe go later – see if your mammy feels up to it then. All right, son?’

On the verge of tears, Tom nodded. ‘All right.’

As he drove away, all manner of things were running through Harry’s mind. Should he tell the boy today … tell him right now, or later when they were all together at home? No! The doctor said not to tell him until it was absolutely necessary. ‘No need upsetting him a minute before you have to,’ that was what he had advised. Yet Harry felt the weight of it like a mountain on his shoulders.

He thought it was wrong not to warn the boy, yet like the doctor, he was coming round to the idea that it might be best if he left it for a while – not too long though. Maybe it could wait until tomorrow, after Sara was back in the hospital.

Yes, that was it, he decided. He would tell young Tom tomorrow.

Giving Sara a reassuring squeeze of the hand, he headed out of the hospital grounds, towards home.

As they travelled along, Sara kept glancing in the rearview mirror; she could see the disappointment in her son’s eyes. Harry was right, she was tired, and she could hardly wait to see her home after all these weeks. But, it was so hard, seeing Tom’s forlorn little face.

Her mind was made up. ‘Head for the park, Harry,’ she said. ‘I really would like to go and see the ducks with you and Tom.’

Tom gave a whoop of joy. ‘I told you! I knew Mammy wanted to see the ducks. Please, Daddy. Please!’

‘Stop it, Tom.’ Harry couldn’t think straight. ‘Be quiet for a minute.’ Turning briefly to Sara, he asked, ‘Are you sure you’re up to it?’

Sara took a moment, before giving her answer. ‘You said this would be my day,’ she reminded him gently. ‘You said I could do whatever I wanted.’

‘I know, but I meant—’

‘I know what you meant. “Within the boundaries” is what you meant. But what’s the sense in having boundaries?’ She gave him a long, quiet look that spoke volumes. ‘If I don’t go right now, I may never get another chance.’

Harry knew she was right, but he could not bring himself to speak of it. Besides, there was nothing he could say that she didn’t already know; that they didn’t both already know.

Behind them, Tom was yelling with excitement.

‘I should have known the two of you would gang up on me,’ Harry groaned. ‘I never could get the better of you pair.’

The park was fairly busy, with young mums pushing their big coach-built prams along and occasionally stopping to point out the ducks and swans to the babies inside. People went strolling by and older men sat on the benches, enjoying their pipes and newspapers; and right there, leaning over the rails, a young woman was feeding her half-eaten sandwich to the clamouring ducks.

Having parked up, Harry switched off the engine and lifted the wheelchair out of the boot. ‘Stay where you are, Tom,’ he told the boy. ‘I’ll get Mammy out first, then we’ll go for a walk round the lake.’

‘I want to come out now!’ Tom was far too excited to remain in the car. ‘I want to show Mammy the duck with the hurt wing.’

‘Just hang on a minute, eh?’ Harry wagged a finger at him. ‘I can’t keep my eye on you and get your mammy out all at the same time.’

Shifting forward in his seat, Tom wound his arms round his mother’s neck. ‘Are you happy, Mammy? Are you glad we brought you to see the ducks?’

Sara took hold of his hands. ‘This is the happiest day of my life,’ she said, and kissed the small warm fingers.

When Harry lifted her into the wheelchair, she held onto him. ‘ You won’t forget your promise, will you? ’ Weak as she was, her hold on him was vice-like, and the steely look of determination in her eyes took him aback.

‘What do you mean?’ he said. He knew well enough what she meant; but he could not bear to think about it.

Sensing his dilemma, Sara’s heart was sore. The suffering had been long and hard, but right now in the depths of her soul, she was content – all but for one thing. ‘I need to know that you and Tom have a place to go, when …’ She paused, before going on more brightly. ‘If your friend Kathleen is half as wonderful as you described, I can rest easy, knowing that you and Tom will have someone who cares.’

Deliberately averting his gaze, Harry looked out across the lake. He didn’t want to talk about it, but it would not go away. It would never go away! A dark anger flooded his soul.

‘Harry?’ Her voice drifted into his thoughts. ‘ I need to know ,’ she repeated.

Still, Harry did not look at her. Instead he closed his eyes, taking a moment to recover, before placing his two hands on the arms of the wheelchair. He met her gaze with the deepest concern. ‘You mustn’t fret. I made you that promise,’ he spoke with quiet sincerity, ‘and I’m telling you now, hand on heart, you can be sure I mean to keep it.’ There! It was said, and the saying made it all the more real, and now the tears swam across his eyes so he could hardly see.

‘Thank you.’ With her slim, delicate fingers she wiped away his tears with a gossamer touch. Her smile was infectious. ‘Now then, my lovely, handsome man, before our son jumps right through the floorboards, can we please go and find these blessed ducks?’

Beside himself with excitement, Tom was leaping up and down in the back of the car.

A few moments later, Sara was settled in the wheelchair. Despite the warm July day, she was swathed in a rug with her feet tucked up nice and cosy; she remarked on the fresh sweet smell of the land and the water. Then she sat back, taking in the magnificent scenery, while Harry pushed her along the walkway and Tom skipped on ahead, shouting and laughing, and frightening every creature for miles around.

Sara’s pain was constant, but not yet unbearable, and for that she was thankful; though at the same time she was mindful of the medicine bag in the pouch behind her seat. Oh, but it was such a treat to be in the fresh air, where she could breathe easier, and the skies seemed never-ending. And what a joy, to see the wide meandering lake, and the mixed, colourful shrubbery beyond. ‘It’s so special here,’ she told Harry excitedly. ‘I don’t know if I ever told you, but this park has always been a favourite of mine.’

‘Mine, too.’ Tom fell over but soon jumped up again.

With Tom giving a running commentary, Harry pushed the wheelchair all the way round the lake, his attention evenly divided between his wife and his son. But all the time he was acutely aware of Sara’s medication, secreted away yet readily accessible.

Every now and then they stopped while Tom coaxed the ducks onto the grass with pieces of bread. When they waddled towards him at full speed, quacking and screeching, Tom would run away screaming like a banshee, making his mother laugh out loud.

When Harry got Sara close enough to stroke her fingers down the long slim neck of a graceful and unusually tame swan, she was beside herself. ‘Oh, Harry, he’s so soft … the feathers are so beautiful, just like silk!’

They had been there for no more than half an hour, when Harry caught Sara shivering. ‘Are you in pain?’ he asked immediately. As ever, he was right there for her.

‘No,’ she quickly assured him. ‘I felt a bit of a chill, that’s all.’